Help us old folks understand....

[catnapper]

I know a lot of PTers are parents of teens and young adults, and their actions are confounding us. Can some young people shed some light on us? I'm sure you all do some stuff that make your parents shake their heads and ask themselves what on earth you're thinking.

My kids do some incredibly stupid things. I know ALL kids do. Its a part of learning and growing to become a good adult. I get that part. What I don't get is WHY do you continually repeat the same mistakes. And HOW would we best get through to you that you're heading down a path that will have life-altering repercussions?

We as parents have tried yelling -- we all know it doesn't work, but we resort to it because it seems sometimes you don't hear us otherwise. We've tried guilt. We've tried showing facts. We've tried heart-to-heart talks where we don't accuse, we just are concerned. We've tried letting you figure it out for yourself. It seems none of those tactics are effective. What would be the best way to get through to you? I'll give you some scenarios and perhaps you can help us apply a resolution to our own kids.

Scenario 1:
Talking to a guy on myspace/facebook/AIM that you don't know outside of his profile. He wants to chat. You chat for a while then some day he wants to meet. All parents are cringing here but it happens a LOT.

Scenario 2:
Staying out late with friends... just hanging out, no drugs or drinking. Your grades suffer, and you end up failing a class. Now you either lose scholarship money or don't get accepted into your college of choice.

Scenario 3:
Drinking. One or two beers at a friends. No big deal, right? Same for pot or other drugs.

Scenario 4:
Stealing. You "borrowed" a $20 from mom's wallet. Or you accidentally forgot to pay for the sweater at the mall.

Scenario 5:
Cheating. You "borrowed" someone else's paper. You copy homework more often than not.

Come up with more scenarios if you'd like... these are just the common ones we parents don't understand. They seem harmless at glance but all can lead to more destructive behavior. We parents just want to know how to talk to you in a manner that lets you know we care and want the best for you without making you feel like we're condemning you. We were kids once too and did stupid things.... well not me, I was perfect ;) :p

[Alysser]

Well, too tell you the truth, I've never done any of those. ;) Except maybe hang out late with friends, but my school work really hasn't suffered. In fact, I was just about to go study for a math test I have tomorrow, but I felt the need to come on the internet.

[Twisterdog]

It is a biologically prove fact that the part of the human brain which controls impulsive behavior and risk taking is fully developed by the teen years, while the part of the brain that controls rational, delayed decision making and long-term cause-effect relationships develops much more slowly - not completely until the early twenties.

I try to repeat this to myself every time my teenagers do something stupid ... again and again and again.

[CountryWolf07]

Honestly, I never did that as a teenager. I'm a late bloomer if you will.. but I did#1 but I was so young.. and I learned from it!! Now I'm 23, wonderful boyfriend, good grades, everything so I'm pretty happy. However my two brothers, who are 18 and 20, are those.. I never started drinking until I was 20. My brothers both started at early age, probably 15-16.. so I think it is different with every teenager on the planet! lol..

[Giselle]

Let me just say, it doesn't matter what you do. It all depends on personal experience.

Your kid has to learn for him/herself. Speaking from personal experience, a vast vast majority of teenagers have done/are doing what you wrote. I myself have done several of the 'stupid' things you wrote. Do I regret it? Not at all. You learn from mistakes, but it takes a certain level of maturity to actually gain experience from your mistake and to learn not to repeat them.

However, you can't force maturity or wisdom into a child. S/he has to learn for him/herself. It's a part of growing up. Drinking, cheating, stealing? I admit I'm not angel and I cannot say I haven't done any of that. Yet, it's the ability to make a mistake, to feel guilt, and to learn from that mistake that makes you more than a petty teenager. Unfortunately, many kids and adults are still living in that nebulous stage.

You learn from personal experience and you create wisdom and maturity from your experiences. Nobody can ever instill that in you.

FWIW, my parents never knew that I did any of this. I simply stopped because it hurt myself to know that I was so immature as to subject myself to these negative situations. It's a matter of personal maturity, and, unfortunately, that takes a lot of time and individual growth.

[moosmom]

As my father always told me, "You'll understand why I do the things I do for you when you have children of your own." By God he was right!! And I told him so and gave him a big hug. His response, "I know!!" with a smirk on his face.

I feel your pain, Kim. I only wish kids would come with an instruction manual and a money back guarantee.

[sparks19]

Well... I never went out and drank behind my parents back... mostly because my parents never made it "taboo". I was allowed to have a drink... maybe even two during holidays like Christmas or new years or whatever when I was in my early teens... always at home and only if I wasn't going anywhere after. I know that is a hot button topic but I NEVER felt the need to go out and sneak around and get loaded behind my parents back because they didn't make it a totally taboo issue.

As for the meeting someone over the internet..... I met my husband over the internet actually...of course I was also 23 years old at the time lol. I was safe about our meeting. Everyone knew where I was going to be... I had a friend with me... and I even had his dog tags from the army so I had ALL of his info including his SS#. Turns out he was a WONDERFUL man. I remember my grandfather calling me when I was going to move to the States to be with him and he was very concerned and my dad actually got on the phone and told him to stop worrying because he had met him and he was a great guy. While I definitely appreciate my grandfathers concern.... he just didn't have a chance to meet him and now that my grandparents know him... they love him.

of course my parents were a little concerned that I was meeting a guy from the internet... but I was 23 and they couldn't really do anything to stop me.... so they tried to at least be somewhat supportive so that I wouldn't just cut them out of the loop. Now they see what a great man he is and that it really wasn't a mistake. Honestly, is meeting a man over the internet any worse than meeting a man at the bar that you hardly know? (I know that is how many girls meet a guy and they are usually scum) Girls (and guys) just need to realize that they need to be more responsible with these meetings.

ETA: My mom and I definitely had our issues when I was younger.... and YES now that I have a child of my own I really truly appreciate her. Although we have gotten along wonderfully for many years now I have a totaly different respect for her now. I speak to her everyday and other than my husband she is my very best friend. I regret the years I caused her grief. I love her so very much and appreciate everything she did for me... I wish I had always shown her that respect.

[mruffruff]

Unfortunately, no matter what a parent does or says, it has a 50/50 chance of sinking in. Some kids just have to have extreme repercussions before they "get it".

My daughter still hasn't---and she just turned 43. She drinks daily, chooses not to keep a job long, can't keep the bills paid and if she wants something, she buys it. Her house is always a mess because she's so disorganized. Not a good role model for her 12 year old daughter.

She's smart enough to know what she should do, but emotionally still a rebellious teen. All my talks and hints and trying to be a good example are a waste of time and energy.

All we can do is to provide them with the information and tools. Then step back and hold our breath.

[lizbud]

However, you can't force maturity or wisdom into a child. S/he has to learn for him/herself. It's a part of growing up. Drinking, cheating, stealing? I admit I'm not angel and I cannot say I haven't done any of that. Yet, it's the ability to make a mistake, to feel guilt, and to learn from that mistake that makes you more than a petty teenager. Unfortunately, many kids and adults are still living in that nebulous stage.

You learn from personal experience and you create wisdom and maturity from your experiences. Nobody can ever instill that in you.




I hope you are not saying that a child must experience all bad behavior
in order to gain maturity? There are some young people who seem to avoid
the pitfalls of growning up without damaging themselves in the process.