sunscreen and a stubborn 15yr old daughter.

[carole]

You are all probably wondering what on earth the two have anything to do with one another, but let me tell you i am at my wits end with my 15 yr old daughter at the moment.

We have many issues it seems these days, i guess we are like chalk and cheese these days, we hardly agree on anything and we have constant battles,what was once a close loving relationship seems anything but.

I cannot seem to get through to melissa the importance of wearing sunscreen, we live in a country that has the worst rays in the world,she is fair skinned,blonde and blue eyed and although she does tan well, she has some of my scottish fair skin as well.

Last year it was a bit of a battle as well, but she relented and did wear it daily, all of sudden it is not a priority and no-one else she knows wears it, i even went and spent a good thirty dollars on a very good sunscreen that feels just like a moisturiser,some of them i must admit are very sticky and horrible,so no excuses there.

I worry myself constantly about this and it is taking a toll on me,has anyone any ideas how i should handle this, i am open to advice from everyone,mothers,single people and teenagers.

She claims she does not spend any time in the sun, well she may not be actively sunbaking as such, but she has to walk from the bus stop in town to school etc, she cannot stay out of it completely, i have tried to tell her about the aging facts too, but she say's she is not vain and does not care. HELP PLEASE.

[BitsyNaceyDog]

Does she wear make-up? Maybe you can convince her to wear make-up that has sunscreen in it. She'd at least then have some on her face.

[carole]

She used to wear make up , but rarely does these days, sometimes a foundation,but not often.,but thanks for the suggestion.

[mina'smomma]

carole maybe it would help if you point out that you know someone who contracted skin cancer from not wearing it. (me)

I was 16 when I contracted skin cancer on my face, neck and arms. I thought a lot like your daughter did. I'm not out in the sun that much so I don't need sunscreen, but unfortunately I'm also fair skined and contracted skin cancer anyways. It is a very painful thing to treat and she could end up scared for it. I was fortunate and have a few scars on my arms from it, but I've seen what it did to others who were younger than me. I also contracted it again when I was 20 thinking that you can't get it twice. Wrong!!!

Now I don't leave my house without it on. If she doesn't want to wear actual sunscreen or make up there are a lot of moisterizers and facial cleansers that have it in there. I personally hate wearing make up so I use a moisterizer in the morning, and a lip balm that has SPF in it as well. I'm also only 28 years old and look like I'm early thirties.

[joycenalex]

carole, on this one, let it go, this is a battle you cannot win. she's 15, you gave her good values, standards and ethics. save your energy, and develop stratagy for the much larger battles ahead. few things are as difficult to deal with as an aggrieved teenaged daughter trying to emotionally seperate from her mother. keep the bottles of sunblock around, and in your purse, let her see you using it, be the example, not the fussing at her voice and she's much more likely to come around. kindest regards

[Catlady711]

I'm a fair skinned person that doesn't tan and I get sun poisioning or 2nd degree burns if I'm in the sun too long. At one point I had to have prescription sunscreen as a child.

While I don't have a teenager of my own, I certainly remember being one clearly. As a teenager I hated wearing sunscreen and fought with my mom (whom I'm very close to) many times over wearing it. In the end mom had other things she'd rather go to the mat with me on and let this one slide. After getting badly burned or embarassing red spots from not wearing sunscreen I eventually learned to put it on myself with no prodding.

The way I see it you have two choices:

1) MAKE your daughter put it on every day before she's allowed to leave the house, even if it means she's late for school because she's fighting you on it, you are the parent and have every right to put your foot down when it comes to something important, someday she might thank you for your stubborness.

2) Choose your battles, if there are other things with higher priority that you are battling her with right now (ie; curfew, boys, drugs, smoking etc) then a battle over sunscreen pales in comparison. You can't go to the mat on every issue or eventually she'll just learn to hide many things from you.

[Marigold2]

Maybe she will go for the Goth Look, heavy white makeup, red lips and all cloths in black black black.

I do understand however, my daughter is 21 now and 15-20 something is SUCH a difficult time for mom's and daughters. It does get better however. Until then I agree with the other posters, choose your battles wisely. If she isn't smoking, drinking, doing drugs and having sex count yourself luckly, most 15 year olds are doing at least one and hiding it from their parents. Good luck. Reading some Erma Bombeck might put a smile on your face.

[carole]

You all make a lot of sense, and i know i need to choose my battles, and there will be much harder ones ahead, i fully understand this, i guess i am as stubborn as she is when it comes to her well being, it just eats away at me thinking that she is putting herself at risk like this.

Yes my friends have said just let it go too, so i just wanted to come here and get a variety of points of views, and see what the outcome was, i do appreciate everyone's honesty and opinions,i can remember only a few years ago she saw a programme on skin cancer and was horrified and she was so diligent then after watching it, but she was only about 11 then, i have told her if she got it she could be disfigured by it,but she just say's i'm not vain , i don't care.

Ok well i am going to just try my darn hardest to forget about it,as i certainly am not going to get anywhere with her anyhow,it will be hard to do,but i am not doing myself any favours worrying all the time,thanks for all your advice.

I have already raised a son , who will be 26 this year, and we had our battles too, but i have to say i am proud of how he has turned out, i can only hope my girl turns out as well adjusted as he is now.,but oh how stubborn she is lol. :)

[sweetpatata6]

Being a teen myself, I do not wear very much sunscreen tho my mom earges me to. I am very tan, tan easily, and have ever burnt once in my life, but my mom earges me about the aging thing. My friend gets burnt a lot, and she's learned to put on sunscreen every half an hour when we're at the beach.

[carole]

Even though you tan you are still at risk, you know tanning is merely skin damage, and it will age you,(cannot put a wise head on young shoulders,)listen to your mom please, she really does know what she is talking about.i am glad you do listen to her some of the time and put it on.

NZ has really vicious sun rays, one of the worst in the world,we really need to be careful.

[slick]

Skin Cancer

My dad loved the garden and spent alot of time there when I was growing up. Later in life he developed Basal Cell Carcinoma. The treatment at that time was to burn it off. Every few months a new spot turned up and after treatment he went through alot of pain and discomfort. When he died, he had spots all over his upper back, neck and face where the spots were removed. He also had bits of his ear missing where they had to cut away some spots.

Tell her to read what Mina'sMomma wrote. If that doesn't convince her, nothing will.

I'm quite fair and have never been a sunbather. It never bothered me to be healthy and pale than wrinkled and weatherbeaten (no offence intended to anyone)

[sweetpatata6]

Even though you tan you are still at risk, you know tanning is merely skin damage, and it will age you,(cannot put a wise head on young shoulders,)listen to your mom please, she really does know what she is talking about.i am glad you do listen to her some of the time and put it on.

NZ has really vicious sun rays, one of the worst in the world,we really need to be careful.


Oh yes, I know, and I've been a lot more careful about it.

Also, my aunt was just like me ((Tans easily, except she burned, and never put on sunscreen)) and she develpoed skin cancer, so I'm learning from her mistake.

And, I NEVER "lay out" to tan, or go out tanning, but tan really easily ((Example: wore sunscreen to a parade was out for an hour, but got a HORRIBLE farmers tan, but two weeks later, it's gone :), didn't do anything but my normal sports activities))

[Marigold2]

Oh that is so sad about your dad.
Skin Cancer

My dad loved the garden and spent alot of time there when I was growing up. Later in life he developed Basal Cell Carcinoma. The treatment at that time was to burn it off. Every few months a new spot turned up and after treatment he went through alot of pain and discomfort. When he died, he had spots all over his upper back, neck and face where the spots were removed. He also had bits of his ear missing where they had to cut away some spots.

Tell her to read what Mina'sMomma wrote. If that doesn't convince her, nothing will.

I'm quite fair and have never been a sunbather. It never bothered me to be healthy and pale than wrinkled and weatherbeaten (no offence intended to anyone)

[carole]

I am so sorry to hear about your dad too slick, and i am afraid young un's just think it will never happen to them,even your sad stories would not make any difference i know, i have tried everything,so you can imagine the fustration that has built up inside of me, i will keep trying to get the message through, it's all i can do really, i cannot understand why all of a sudden she has become so silly about it all, and darn pig-headed.

Ignorance is not bliss, as i keep telling her.,and she could be one of the unlucky ones who will indeed pay a dear price for it,and i sure as heck don't want that. :(

[emily_the_spoiled]

I don't know if this will help, but there are a number of clothing lines out there that market themselves as sun protectors and have some of the same ingredients as sunscreen. Maybe she would consent to wearing clothing? Type "sunscreen" and "clothes" into google and you will get lots of hits.

[carole]

No she would not consent to clothing, she is very definite about her own style, she has to wear a uniform to school.,but thanks for the thought. :)

[Miss Z]

I got shivers reading your first post, carole, as you pretty much summed up the relationship between myself, the fifteen-year-old, and my mother. We don't always get on. :o

I would say that from your daughter's point of view, she probably doesn't appreciate being told directly (kinda silly, but mood swings I suppose :p ). I know I'd be more inclined to do something if it was implied I did it. For instance, if I did happen to not want to wear suncream, and my mum said "Zara, put this suncream on now!", my gut reaction would be to create an excuse, i.e. "But it'll stop me getting a tan!" or something of that nature. Argument follows.

I know I'd be far more likely to do that if, instead of demanding me to put it on, my mum said something along the lines of "You look really nice today, Zara. The suncream's just on the table by the door for you to pick up as you go out." That's set me in a good frame of mind and I'm most likely to oblige as it's, more-or-less, my own choice of action.

Of course, not saying this will definitely work, but just thought I'd add my own experiences as a teen. :) Remember she probably regrets the arguments more than you (I know I do).

ETA: I also wouldn't use the often-heard 'you'll regret it later' scenario with her, yes, you're right in what you're saying, but I know if it were me it would make me feel even more spiteful and less inclined to obey. Just a thought.

[carole]

Thank you for you input, it was very much appreciated,yes well we used to have a great relationship, or so i thought, but since she turned 14 things have changed, believe me it is extremely hurtful to us mothers, we ache inside, well i do anyhow, i will try your approach, i must admit i have a very do as you are told approach, or else, it was how i was raised, but i am way more tolerant and easy going than my parents, but i guess to melissa it does not seem that way, it is only because i care about her and love her so much, but she just does not get that, she would rather i did not care, or so she would have me believe,is it not human nature to always want what you don't have,in other words, she wishes she had parents who cared less and let her do what she likes.

Again thanks for taking the time to stop by and post , i really wanted to hear it from a teenagers perspective as well, it helps me to figure out what makes her tick. :)

[jennielynn1970]

I could send you some pics of my dad before and after his surgery for squamous cell carcinoma... he was a farmer all his life, and never wore sunscreen. He ended up having Moh's surgery and an Abbe Flap procedure this past January and is still regaining feeling in his upper lip area that they had to do plastic surgery on. He lost his entire upper lip from the corners of his mouth, up to the bottom of his nose. They had to flap skin from his chin to fashion an upper lip area for him. He was lucky he didn't lose his upper palate or his nose. He still had to put a cream on his face after the surgery to kill all the precancerous cells.. it was technically chemotherapy in a tube. His skin had to bubble and cook off and get fresh skin underneath. It was absolutely horrible to look at, and I imagine it hurt just as bad.

If she wants a wake up call, just let me know, and I'll send you some pics. It scared me enough that I NEVER go without sunscreen, even in the winter.

[carole]

Thanks for the offer, but she has seen television programmes with skin cancer being removed etc, at that time she was younger and it really did have an impact on her, but now she is over that, and just simply does not care, so she tells me, so you can see what i am dealing with here, and how fustrated i feel,she is more prone than a lot of people because of her colouring too, which concerns me even more so,yes it can be very disfiguring alright,sorry to hear your dad had to go through all of that.

[carole]

Well guess who came home sunburnt on her face and all around her neck today, it has been an overcast windy day in NZ with bouts of sunshine, one of those days you really have to be extra careful as you don't even realise you are getting burn't.

I did not notice initially, as she came in and went to her room, i caught her putting on makeup ,something she does not do very often, and especially not after school, she was trying to cover up the burn on her face, she was very sheepish about it when i mentioned her sunburn,i told her oh well i am not buying anything to help it if it gets sore, that's up to you.

There were no arguments, just some smiles on both sides,mine a smile of i told you so without actually saying that, and her's of guilt.

She has gone off to her old primary school gala, and i said well what about the sunburn, she said i will wear a hat, and i have put moisturiser with sunscreen in it, and she wore a jacket to help the bit in the front, i am sincerely hoping folks this will be a breakthrough, melissa is a smart girl and surely she will realise now that what i have been saying is right, here's hoping but not holding my breath. :)