Our PT joke thread

[CathyBogart]

OK, the other thread has gotten a bit out of hand - so here is our shiny new joke thread! I'll start with my favorite political joke. :P

George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, and Bush's most trusted cabinet members are having their weekly intelligence meeting. They are going over the usual things, troop movements, terrorist activity, and the like when Cheney says, "Mr. Bush, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush looks at Cheney, and visibly pales. "Oh my God," he says. "OH MY GOD. This is terrible! What are we going to do? How could something like this happen? Who is responsible?" His cabinet members see tears in his eyes as, shaking and muttering, he lowers his head into his hands.

A few long minutes pass while the President regains his composure. Finally, he sets his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and calms himself. He takes his head from his hands, looks up at Dick, and says, "OK, first things first... How many is in a brazillion again?"

[Catty1]

LOL! I hope Karen makes this a sticky!

Here's one!

Phone keeps ringing - The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Phone Won't Stop Ringing?

Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

[CathyBogart]

Michael Vick's jury has been chosen...

http://www.southbayriders.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=94920&d=1187822324

[Karen]

Oh, gosh - I LOVE that cartoon!

[trayi52]

I love all the jokes, and the cartoon!!!!!!!!!!!

Willie

[Ginger's Mom]

Michael Vick's jury has been chosen...

http://www.southbayriders.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=94920&d=1187822324
Hahaha, cute. :D

[jackie]

:D Far side comics!

http://johnfenzel.typepad.com/john_fenzels_blog/images/2007/03/24/jerks.jpg

[Catty1]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the hostages, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You were an executive at Enron, weren't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL..

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[CathyBogart]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine:
'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine:
'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER !)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

[cassiesmom]

You all have probably heard this before, but it makes me smile because I'm a geriatric nurse.

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various subjects. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or I had just awakened!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"


And one musician joke: What did the drummer get on his SAT test? Drool.

[lizbud]

Loved this one. LOL :D :D


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

[theterrierman]

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds,

" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -


__________________________________________________ ______________


A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."

[Karen]

Hee hee! Gotta love those musician jokes!

[jackie]

^^ LOL @ bass solo!

[cassiesmom]

How do you define perfect pitch for a piccolo? Over the edge and into the Dumpster without hitting the side!

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb; one to pull the ladder out from under the one doing the changing; and three to complain about how much better they could have done it.

[jackmilliesmom]

Brave Men Jokes

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling
of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're
next, fatty."

********************************




A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange
juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee
and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor
belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

[Randi]

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

[CathyBogart]

Dear Technical Support,
I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Dear Troubled User
This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
Best of luck,
Tech. Support.

[CathyBogart]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listento me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ************************************************** *************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[sparks19]

AH HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man some of these jokes are good.

My customers here must think I am nuts. I am giggling out loud.... I can't help it. Too funny.

I especially like the "cos you're ugly" one lol that's funny.

And the egg flipping one lol

[kittycats_delight]

SNIFFER

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied,
"He just found a bomb!"

[kittycats_delight]

Dinner With The Girlfriend

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute andwhen she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies,
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[kittycats_delight]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


This one is fabulous. I have to forward it to my uncle who is retired from the army. Too funny. I loved it.

[CathyBogart]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the
amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to
the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*


(Wait for it)

*


*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)


*

*

*
"He should've quit when he was a head!"

[ratdogg]

"He should've quit when he was a head!"

LMAO. nice :)

here's my contribution. not really a joke, but a witty saying.

"Every dog has its day, only a dog with a broken tail has a weak-end"

[CathyBogart]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE



A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled
engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[CathyBogart]

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds? AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday.

[CathyBogart]

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You 're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[CathyBogart]

Just one more...sorry, got a bit carried away. :)

FALL CLASSES FOR WOMEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To be quiet while the TV is on
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
Spiders, physical dimensions and fragility.
Extermination techniques demonstrated, (Shoes and brooms available for rental).
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Mirrors, how they work, use of Spouse to dispute
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Being a passenger, how to refrain from critiques, The proper way to be invisible.
Advanced course on restraint from adjusting the stereo
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Refrigerator Storage and priority.
Beer temperatures explained
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Tolerance, understanding that your spouse is compelled to ogle young women.
Explanations and diagrams disputing that looking at young tight bodied men is not the same for you.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Tools, hazards and dangers of use without direct supervision.
first quarter explaining how to identify a Phillips screwdriver
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Driving, returning home with the car in the same condition it left.
Cell phones are not a head rest explained.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

[CathyBogart]

The evolution in teaching math since the 1950s

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2006
Un ranchero vende una carretera de maderapara $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

[CathyBogart]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

[critter crazy]

Warning: Bathroom Story



(If you've had children, or taken care of them, this is hilarious!!!)

A 3~year~old tells all from his mother's restroom stall
By Shannon Popkin
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive~thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just~turned 3~year~old, and you never have to ask him to turn up the volume; it's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not~so~audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to last stall:

"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"

At this point, I started mentally counting how many women had been in the restroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full. 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies, aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh, Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh, I see dem! Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You ARE gonna get some candy!"

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming n ew born when you need one? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. T rying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some.

"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: Okay, there are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

"Mommy! Would you get off t he potty, now? I want you to be done doing stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me.

Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at da wady's feet?"

More laughter.
I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"

I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found, standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?" But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, "I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as 'Mommy' to this little fellow."

Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public rest-rooms with her 3~year~old in tow.

[Catty1]

I rear-ended another car this morning.

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad
day!

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!

He was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, then, which one ARE you?'

That's how the fight started ----------------

[critter crazy]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, "AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him...

[CathyBogart]

George W. Bush is taking a stroll around Washington, DC, when he sees a boy sitting on his front porch with a box of puppies. "Say, son," says Dubya, "what sort of puppies are those?" And the little boy says, "Why, they're Republican pupplies, Mr. President." Bush thinks, how about that? He goes home and excitedly tells Karl Rove about the boy with the Republican puppies. They clear their schedules and a few days later go back to where the boy is with the puppies. The boy is sitting on the porch and Bush says to Rove, "Get this." He walks up to the boy and says, "Son, can you tell me what kind of puppies those are.' And the boy says, "Why, yes, they're Democratic puppies." Bush says, "Hold on now. Just a few days ago you said they were Republican puppies." "Well, they, were, sir, but now they've had their eyes opened, so they're Democratic puppies."

[Hellow]

George W. Bush is taking a stroll around Washington, DC, when he sees a boy sitting on his front porch with a box of puppies. "Say, son," says Dubya, "what sort of puppies are those?" And the little boy says, "Why, they're Republican pupplies, Mr. President." Bush thinks, how about that? He goes home and excitedly tells Karl Rove about the boy with the Republican puppies. They clear their schedules and a few days later go back to where the boy is with the puppies. The boy is sitting on the porch and Bush says to Rove, "Get this." He walks up to the boy and says, "Son, can you tell me what kind of puppies those are.' And the boy says, "Why, yes, they're Democratic puppies." Bush says, "Hold on now. Just a few days ago you said they were Republican puppies." "Well, they, were, sir, but now they've had their eyes opened, so they're Democratic puppies."

LOL i LOOOOOOVE this joke thread!!!!!!!

[Catty1]

Comments on Gen. David Petraeus from TV

Many of the senators commented to the general. Senator Barbara Boxer said Petraeus was overly optimistic; Mel Martinez of Florida thanked the general; Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said, "There's something about a man in uniform."
- Jay Leno

Gen. Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate. After the testimony, Senator Craig said, "You may not know this, general, but right now I'm saluting you." - David Letterman

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

3 men went to a "wishing-swimmingpool".

The first one went on the springboard and exclaimed "WHISKEY" !! :)
And yes, the pool was now filled with whiskey!
The second one loved a good glass of red wine, so he exclaimed "VINO" !!!
The water was now filled with red wine :)
Then the third man, who was such a clumsy one, climbed on the springboard.
But then he slipped and exclaimed "Oh, Poop" !!!

................... :eek: :p ;) .................... :D

[Jenn&Dean]

I have a joke... It's a one liner, but well worth it.



What is red and bad for your teeth???






A BRICK!!!


LOL, I get a kick out of it everytime.

[Catty1]

Therapeutic Advice

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

[Freedom]

The Wal-Mart Cat




A
blonde
was
weed-eating
her
yard
and
accidentally
cut off the tail
of her cat
which
was
hiding
in the
grass.

She
rushed her cat,
along
with the tail, over
to
WAL-MART!







Why
WAL-MART?







HELLOOOOOOOOO!











WAL-MART
is
the largest
"retailer"
in
the
world!!!

[cassiesmom]

A Christmas joke ...
What is red and goes, "Oh, oh, oh!" ?
Santa Claus walking backwards :rolleyes:

[Freedom]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot
of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya
breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly
gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver,'
but I ain't niver seen nobody do it."

[anna_66]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your *ss in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

[cassiesmom]

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away his chair. :rolleyes:

[Freedom]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who rea lly is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted."

[Catty1]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't
got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young
man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too
hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway
carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The
old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke do you not understand?

[cassiesmom]

What did the cave man give his wife for Valentine's Day?

Ughs and kisses. :rolleyes:

[lady_zana]

What's black, lays on the water, and yells "KNICKERS!"?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
CRUDE OIL!!

[beeniesmom]

Hope this one isn't too risque'...

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the Goatee.

:p

[beeniesmom]

And another... EWWWwww

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but when another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. :eek:

[beeniesmom]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast" Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Pam]

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by
himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

[Randi]

Great one, Pam! :D

[kittycats_delight]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[kittycats_delight]

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b74/PTCRAZY/kids2.jpg
Newfoundland Valentine's Poem
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b74/PTCRAZY/ATT0000111.gif

Fer Me Wife ...
I writes ta say I loves ya b'ye!
Cause I don't say it very much...
Everytime I tries ta cuddle ya
Ya says GET A WAY, DON'T TOUCH!


I tried ta be more gentle
Took me rubbers off outside...
When I tells ya where I was last night
Ya always tinks I lied!


Ya knows I loves me Fishin'
Ya knows I loves me boat...
But you're da life preserver
I needs to stay afloat!


So I got ya sometin' really nice
How much, please don't ask...
But you'll find it a lot easier now
When ya goes ta cut da grass!


Just pull da cord, and stand behind
Steer her as you go...
Next Valentines I'll get ya sometin'
Dat helps ya shovel snow!


So keep up da cookin' and cleanin'
You're de only one I got...
To keep me duds all washed and clean
And me coffee always hot!


You knows dat I appreciates
Your home made buns & bread...
And I hope dat it continues on
Till one of us is dead!




I loves ya b'ye!

[Pam]

Bank Job

A man walks into a bank, gets in line,
and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.

To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him and kills him.
The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."

[columbine]

What do you call a police officer's overtime pay?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Copper Nitrate.

[luv my cats]

HIS ASHES
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

[luv my cats]

OWN BLANKET
A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."
;) ;) ;) ;)

[luv my cats]

How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"? :eek: :eek:

[Pam]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room
seriously discussing a Living Will.
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


She's such a b**ch....

[Medusa]

A Native American paid a visit to a doctor and said "Doc, I have something that's been bothering me all my life and I need to talk to you about it. I have no nipples." The doctor said "Well, let me take a look. Hmmm, how unusual. Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The Native American said "Yes, all of us have no nipples." The doctor was surprised, to say the least, and he said "Is that so??? Is there anything else that's strange or unusual in your family?" The Native American said "Yes, there are always only 500 people in our tribe. As soon as one is born, another immediately dies, so that the number always remains at 500." The doctor was shocked and said "What's the name of your tribe?" The Native American replied "The Indian Nippleless 500".

[Moesha]

LOL That one made me laugh.

[Catty1]

"The Indian Nippleless 500"

GROOOOANNNNNNNNNN....................:rolleyes::D

[cassiesmom]

A man picks up a ringing cell phone in his country club locker room. It is his wife.

"Hi, sweety, I am at the mall and I just found a fabulous bargain on a teeny bikini swimsuit for only $150! What do you think?"

"Okay," the man agrees.

"Oh, and I took the BMW in this morning and they have the newest ones with all the bells and whistles for only $75,000 ... and they have the one I reeee-ally want," she gushes.

"Okay,' the man again agrees.

"And, sweety, that gorgeous house at the end of the cul-de-sac - the one with the in-ground pool and the huge outdoor kitchen - it's been reduced to $3 million - should I make an offer?"

Once more, the man agrees, "Okay." She tells him she loves him and rings off.

Holding up the phone, the man announces loudly: "Does anybody know whose phone this is?"

[Catty1]

Too good not to pass on......

A 5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very
own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new
house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f--kin' sheet rock...'




Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn 't it?

[Trisst]

lol.

I hope no-one here is offended by blonde jokes but im blonde and i like saying them anyway so...
Heres one:
Two blondes were walking back from the market together both having bought chickens. One said to the other "if you can guess how many chickens i bought, you can have both of them"
"Okay" said the other blonde " ummmm...three?"

[Trisst]

Heres one to make you think...

An irishman was captured and was about to be executed.
His captors said" make a statement,
If its True we will shoot you
If its False we will hang you"
"Then here is my statement" said the irishman" I shall be hanged"

Think about it...

[Medusa]

I haven't read this entire thread so if this is a duplicate, I apologize.
************************************************** ***

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends
late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock', the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup', replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch', the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole!
It's one-fifteen in the morning!'

[Donnaj4962]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[cassiesmom]

I was reminded of this today. It's so long that I won't copy it, just the link.


http://www.badpets.net/BadPets/CatRules.html

[Catty1]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started...

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************************************************** **************** *

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[Catty1]

A man boarded a plane with six children. After they were settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leaned over and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No m'am. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."

[Catty1]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.


'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you! You have no legs!'

The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'


The wedding is scheduled for Sunday ...

[Hellow]

This pic makes me laugh:
http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/political-pictures-barack-obama-gas-daughter.jpg

[Catty1]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

[CathyBogart]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little e later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted

[lizbud]

The Male Brain vs The female Brain :D


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY MAN WHO YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! ;)

[Catty1]

How do you know when an obscene phone caller is Canadian?

He starts by saying, "I'm sorry, am I calling at a bad time?"

:D

[RICHARD]

Barack Obama is on the campaign trail when his limo drives through a low income neighborhood in his hometown of Chicago.

As he travels down a block with run down homes along it, he spies a family of four sitting on the lawn, plucking blades of brown grass and eating them.

Barack yells at the driver to stop and go back to the lawn. Barack throws open the door and walks over to the family who stop eating and turn to the presidential candidate. "My goodness, what are you doing?", he asks.

"Eating grass", the father says, "I lost my job as a bank manager, my wife was laid off and my kids are starving!" THe mother tells BO that there is no food in their home and the only thing that will stop the children from crying with hunger is to eat the dried up lawn at the front of their home.

BO looks at his wife and says, "I cannot stand by and watch people struggle, I was a community organizer once and have always tried to look out for the welfare of the community and the people in it. I can't stand by and watch people starve!"

He turns to the family and tell them to get into the limo, "I won't let you starve by eating that brown dried grass! I am taking you home so you can eat there!"

The family surround BO and shower him with hugs and kisses. As the family gets into the car, the father hangs back to thank BO. THe man begins to cry and mutter his thanks-BO puts an arm around him and the man stops and asks, "You are the greatest man on the planet, You are kind. thoughtful and generous-I cannot believe you are taking us home to have a meal there..."

BO sheepishly smiles and says to the man, "Sir, you do not have to thank me, The pleasure is mine and no one has mowed my lawn for a few months."

[Freedom]

Oh, this is just TERRIBLE! (I probably should post in Dog General)

>
>
>
>
>
>

My friend's Dog, Minton, just swallowed a shuttlecock!
>
>
>
>
>
>
Bad Minton!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[RICHARD]

Oh, this is just TERRIBLE! (I probably should post in Dog General)

>
>
>
>
>
>

My friend's Dog, Minton, just swallowed a shuttlecock!
>
>
>
>
>
>
Bad Minton!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D


THAT was funny, I love the bad ones!

[cassiesmom]

I saw this on another animal forum. Here goes:

12. But it SMELLS like food.

11. The cat did it.

10. What say we all drive down to Dairy Queen?

9. Explain this 'heat' thing again.

8. Mind if I sit there?

7. You gonna eat ALL of that?

6. I don't smell anything.

5. Could I see the menu?

4. FETCH THIS!

3. Next time, I pick the bitch!

2. This isn't a mess, it's ambiance!

And THE number one thing your dog would say:

1. You are going to cut off my WHAT?!?

[mustlovedogs]

lol, I like the bad minton one :p

[Sugaree]

Hehe. I just read this whole thing, you guys are great. :D

[cassiesmom]

My pastor used this in his homily this morning...

Boxer Muhammad Ali was traveling on an airplane. While the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.

The champ refused, saying, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"

Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied, "Superman doesn't need an airplane, either!"

The boxer buckled up without another word.

[cassiesmom]

"The Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal."

(I apologize in advance if this offends anyone. I love play-on-words stories like this.)

[lizbud]

Never Argue with a Woman


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Catty1]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a**-holes!

[cassiesmom]

Why couldn't the teenage pirate go to the movie with his friends?
Because it was Arrrrh-rated

[cassiesmom]

I played at my brother's church today (he's the choir director at his church and needed a flutist today). Between the services, the little daughter of one of the ladies in the choir told this joke.

Q: How does a tree get on the Internet?
A: Log in.

[blue]

1.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
2.
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight sta rted.....

************************************************** **********************
3.
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
4.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes

from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
5.
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************
6.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *********************
7.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
8.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
9.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many =0 Ayears ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** ************
10.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
11.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......

[paulana]

http://www.catsizeentertainment.com/img/FCPspy.jpg

[paulana]

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc257/lightguy84/pencil-neck.jpg

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc257/lightguy84/my-talking-cat-005.jpg

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc257/lightguy84/funny-cat-engineer.jpg

[Catty1]

Are You Lonesome Tonight? AARP version

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

[cassiesmom]

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!!!

[blue]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the r obot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?

[RICHARD]

Three New Navy Ships
USS REAGAN

http://webmail.aol.com/28563/aol-1/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.24750025&folder=NewMail&partId=4

Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective.. ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:

Shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling.

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet.

Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 8,150 meals served daily;
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).



USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.

http://webmail.aol.com/28563/aol-1/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.24750025&folder=NewMail&partId=5

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President."
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tom Cat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board..


This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .



USS BARACK OBAMA

http://webmail.aol.com/28563/aol-1/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.24750025&folder=NewMail&partId=6


Defense: "water pistols"

[Catty1]

The Invisible Man married The Invisible Woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

[cassiesmom]

in honor of Thanksgiving...

a dumb blonde preparing to host her first Thanksgiving calls the turkey hotline for some guidance.

"Turkey hotline, may I help you?"

The blonde asks, "Can you tell me how long it should take to roast a 14-pound turkey?"

"Just a minute," the hotline operator says, flipping through her reference guide to the appropriate page.

"Great! Thanks!" answers the blonde, and hangs up the phone.

[kokopup]

Go Git-Cha Momma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator ) responded, "Son, I dunno. I

ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order . Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year -old blonde woman stepped out.

The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Boy.........go git cha Momma..............."

[RICHARD]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[momcat]

What's stuffed with cheese, covered in sauce, and only comes out during a full moon?

Wolfmanicotti.

[Grace]

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and
all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that,
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday
morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they
missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next
day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a
test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool,
they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be
easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________




If you have nothing smart to say, don't say anything...

[cassiesmom]

Q: Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
A: So he can ho, ho, ho! :rolleyes:

[RICHARD]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened
the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't
believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the
approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men,
which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of
course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns
and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up
behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he
was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, Those are my emergency flashers!'

[lizbud]

Hey , where is the photo that goes with the joke? I,ve seen it before.
very funny.:)

[lizbud]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.


He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

“Pick me up..”

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

“Pick me up..”

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous
because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

“Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.”


****With age comes wisdom *****:D

[cassiesmom]

Had the last rehearsal this evening for the children's Christmas program tomorrow afternoon. One of the kids told us this Christmas joke. (He's 7... get ready :rolleyes:)

Knock knock, who's there?
Harold, Harold who?
Hark, the Harold angels sing...

(groan)

[Grace]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[wombat2u2004]

THE FUNERAL PROCESSION

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the man walking the dog & said, "I am so sorry
for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked & killed her"

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[wombat2u2004]

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day. All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14.... 14....14'...

[wombat2u2004]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

[lvpets2002]

:D Yup Wom I can see you have returned.. Good Jokes.. Keep them coming..:p

[wombat2u2004]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


There are two lessons for us all here:


Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

[Smarties]

Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them! :p


What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!

:p:p:p:p
OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

[lvpets2002]

:p Good Wom.. Now you forgot to say Lesson #3 Is Also Dont Mess With Texans.. :D
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


There are two lessons for us all here:


Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

[wombat2u2004]

Knock Knock. who's there ? Amos. Amos who ? A mosquito.


Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them! :p


What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!

:p:p:p:p
OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

[wombat2u2004]

:p Good Wom.. Now you forgot to say Lesson #3 Is Also Dont Mess With Texans.. :D

You heard the one about the Texan tourist who went to Australia for a holiday ????
He was on a bus trip in the outback with a bunch of Aussies.

All of a sudden, they passed a herd of cattle.
Texan: "What are those things ????"
Aussie: "Oh, they are probably Herefords or some kind of beef cattle."
Texan: "Yer kiddin.....we got longhorns in Texas twice the size of those."

The bus drives on further.
All of a sudden, they passed a herd of sheep.
Texan: "What on Gods earth are they ???"
Aussie: "Sheep, they are our prime wool sheep."
Texan: "You gotta be jokin pardner, we've sheep in Texas that make your sheep look like dwarfs."

The bus drives on further.
All of a sudden, a kangaroo bounds past the bus.
Texan: "Doggone, what in hell was that ??"
Aussie: Probably just one of our field mice."

[wombat2u2004]

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland, from Toronto.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an Insurance agency

to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'



The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in

Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario !


The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*

[wombat2u2004]

SCAM FOR OLDER MEN - BEWARE





Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace...

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Hardware, Home Depot, Canadian Tire or Costco customers, this one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works...

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Zellers and bought them out.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Hardware, Home Depot,Canadian Tire and Costco.

[Grace]

Yearly Exam

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

“How much do you weight?” she asked.
“145,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 190.

The nurse asked, “Your height?” “5 foot 8,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5’6”.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I am short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch!

[wombat2u2004]

A man owned a small farm in P.E.I.. The Government Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Farmer.

[wombat2u2004]

An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

[Catty1]

Marrying a Canadian Woman

The first man married a woman from Houston ,Texas. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[wombat2u2004]

Marrying a Canadian Woman

The first man married a woman from Houston ,Texas. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Thanks Candace,
Your name has now been officially relocated on my "Most Preferred to Marry in the Future" list. You are now at No.86 instead of No.5. Hee hee

[Catty1]

Well, Wom, ya know what they say...if ya can't take the heat.... :p;):D

[cassiesmom]

Every ten years the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by, and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."

Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."

It's the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare, and says, "I quit."

"I'm not surprised," the head monk answers. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

-----
And one of my all-time favorite Cubs jokes:
A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up. The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling, he said, "Why, it's just like Chicago in spring."

So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said, "No problem, this is exactly like Chicago in summer."

This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum. The man removed his shirt and tie and said, "Hey, it's just like Chicago in August!"

The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peeked in the man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically....

"The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!"

[wombat2u2004]

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you
are.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds,
and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped
my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!! Humpffff !!!!

[wombat2u2004]

When a woman Will Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No.."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes.." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.



Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

[RICHARD]

I was traveling with my friend to Las Vegas and we were in the middle of the desert when my friend turned to me and said that he had to go to the bathroom rather badly.

I asked if he could wait for a few miles to get to the rest stop. He agreed.

About five minutes later he turned to me an with a rather painful look on his face, asked me to pull over and he'd run out to a bush and do his business. I agreed and began to look for an appropriate place to let him out.

He was fidgeting like mad when I finally saw a large bush off in the distance.

I pulled off the side of the road and he practically exploded from the car. He took a few steps, turned and asked me if I had some toilet paper. I didn't.

I told him to use a dollar that he had brought along to gamble with.

With that help, he disappeared behind the shrub only to reappear a few minutes later looking at his hand while flicking it towards the ground.

I watched with interest as he approached the car and got in.

I looked at his hand, which was covered in poop, I asked him how he ended up like that.

"I took your advice and used a dollar" he answered, "The first three quarters worked fine, I got into trouble with the two dimes and the nickel......."

[wombat2u2004]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where did you get the crappy hair-do?"

[RICHARD]

LOL, good one!

--------------


Why do bagpiper's walk while they play?


To get away from the noise!;):eek::D

[wombat2u2004]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa..

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”

[wombat2u2004]

LOL, good one!

--------------


Why do bagpiper's walk while they play?


To get away from the noise!;):eek::D

And that's probably the truth....LOLOLOL

[wombat2u2004]

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science..' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet
they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're
not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going
and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the
emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me … half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

[wombat2u2004]

The Daily Tribune

OBITUARIES

EBERT WALTERS

February 2, 2010

DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER FROM WYOMING THAT, IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUNPOWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING. HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS, AND HE DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104.

EBERT LEFT BEHIND 12 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

[cassiesmom]

A rancher had a prize that stopped performing. The rancher when to a local veterinarian, who prescribed medication for the rancher to administer to the bull. (This was way before the existence of the "little blue pill".) The results were astonishing: the bull pursued every receptive cow he could find.

The rancher was at the feed store one day and ran into a friend. "Say, Willie, I've got a bull that can't... uhmm... er..." The friend stammered on, "Didn't your veterinarian give you something to help one of yours? What was it?"

Willie tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?" his friend asked.

"Nope," replied Willie, "but they sure did taste like chocolate..."

[cassiesmom]

Why do bagpipers walk while they play?

To get away from the noise!;):eek::D


Q. Why do bagpipers always walk while they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

I love flute jokes because that's my instrument. A few favorites:
Q. How do you get two flute players to play in tune?
A. Shoot one of them.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch on a flute?
A. Into the Dumpster without hitting the side!

Q. Why do you rarely see a concert flutist take a breath when she's playing?
A. Because she's already got enough air in her head.

My nephew plays percussion. Here is a drummer joke he told me.
Q. What did the drummer get on his SAT?
A. Drool.

[wombat2u2004]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

[wombat2u2004]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as

· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE



First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2..5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

[wombat2u2004]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the icehole."

[RICHARD]

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the icehole."

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice.

Line with peas.

When the bear comes to take a pea?

Kick him in the ice hole.:eek::D


When we go on our comedy tour, your name can go first.;)

[Grace]

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Catty1]

Grace, that is HILARIOUS!!!!

[wombat2u2004]

The Pay Raise


The Italian maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So........... how much do you want?'

[Scorpio]

My sense of humour is notoriously weird. I come from the land of Python, Son of Goons, Son of Marx (Brothers). See if this tickles in the right place.

In Mr. Williams' general stores, the kind that sells everything in a small town, a young man was hired as assistant. As it was his first day, he cleaned up and stocked shelves whilst Mr Williams dealt with the customers.
A man came into the shop, and Mr Williams said to the boy, "Selling stuff is easy, lad. Watch what I do!"
The man came up to the counter and asked for a packet of grass seed. The sun had turned his lawn into a wasteland. "Certainly, Sir," said Mr Williams, "we have the very best there is." He produced the packet of seed, but then, leaning on the counter and speaking in confidential tones, he warned,"Of course you do know what this seed can do?"
"What do you mean?" asked the man. "Well, this seed grows overnight. You'll have a new lawn in a couple of days, but you have to cut it regularly, or it will be a jungle in no time. Do have the lawnmower for the job?"
"Well, er ....."
"We have an offer this week on the most effective lawnmower you've ever seen."
Within ten minutes, Mr Williams had sold the man a lawnmower.
"You see, boy? That's how it's done."
Shortly after, a new customer, also a man, came into the store and the apprentice was given the task of dealing with him.
"Yes. Sir? What can I do for you?" So far so good.
"I'd like a packet of Tampax, please. "
"Certainly Sir. Could I interest you in a lawnmower?"
"Why on earth would I want a lawnmower?"
"Well, I thought that seeing as the weekend is ruined, you might might as well cut the grass!"

[wombat2u2004]

Hee hee.
At my age, all I ever look forward to, is cutting the grass ;)

[wombat2u2004]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Grace]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and
gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy
bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have
any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison
dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

[lizbud]

>
> A little evening humor... :D
>
> Sitting together on a train was Obama,
> George Bush Jr., a little
> old lady, and a young blonde girl with large
> boobs.
>
>
> The train goes into a dark tunnel and a
> few seconds later there
> is the sound of a loud slap. When
> the train emerges from the tunnel,
> Bush has a bright red hand print on his
> cheek.
>
> No one speaks.
>
>
> The old lady thinks: Bush must
> have groped the blonde in the
> dark, and she slapped him.
>
>
> The blonde girl thinks:
> Bush must have tried to grope me in
> the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
> slapped him..
>
>
>
> Bush thinks: Obama must
> have groped the blonde in the dark.
> She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
>
>
>
> Obama thinks: I can't
> wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
> Bush again.
>
>

[lizbud]

Warning.......... Sexist Joke Coming. (very funny):)


Don't send a man to the grocery store.


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65

[Catty1]

I've heard her before! She's GREAT!

[Grace]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the young lady waiting in line became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, " How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'"

The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally, I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[momcat]

Hi Lizbud,
That is great!!!! I'm still laughing!!! :D:D:D

[wombat2u2004]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million... Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut. :D

[cassiesmom]

Read all the way to the bottom ...

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE - THE INVISIBLE KILLER!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.

What are the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide?

Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Facts

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the Greenhouse Effect.
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Alerts

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Uses

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

.as an industrial solvent and coolant.
.in nuclear power plants.
.in the production of styrofoam.
.as a fire retardant.
.in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
.as an additive in certain junk-foods and other food products.

Stop the horror - Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

Some of the products and places where DHMO is used, but which for one reason or another, are not normally made part of public presentations on the dangers to the lives of our family members and friends. Among these startling uses are:

-as an additive to food products, including jarred baby food and baby formula, and even in many soups, carbonated beverages and supposedly "all-natural" fruit juices
-in cough medicines and other liquid pharmaceuticals,
-in spray-on oven cleaners,
-in shampoos, shaving creams, deodorants and numerous other bathroom products,
-in bathtub bubble products marketed to children,
-as a preservative in grocery store fresh produce sections,
-in the production of beer by all the major beer distributors,
-in the coffee available at major coffee houses in the US and abroad,
-in Formula One race cars, although its use is regulated by the Formula One Racing Commission, and
-as a target of ongoing NASA planetary and stellar research.

APRIL FOOL! WHAT IS DHMO? You know it better as H2O = water!!!
Gotcha!! Describing water as dihydrogen monoxide is correct according to chemical nomenclature, but almost never done.

Check out this utterly serious Web site ...
http://www.dhmo.org/

[wombat2u2004]

Thankyou Elyse.....I really needed that this morning....hee hee

[cassiesmom]

My pastor told this joke this morning as part of the opening to his sermon on how Easter changes one's life...

A family from a very rural area are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father and son are in the hotel lobby, when they notice the gleaming bank of elevators.

"What's that, Pop?" the boy asks.

"I've never seen anything like that in my life," answers the father.

Seconds later an old, frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a gorgeous, smartly dressed young woman.

The father looks at his son and says, "Son, go get your mom!"

[wombat2u2004]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me.
" She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.
Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
" St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued,
"Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

[cassiesmom]

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
A. EGG-cercise!

[wombat2u2004]

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
A. EGG-cercise!

Oh ha ha :D:D

[wombat2u2004]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows everything!

[cassiesmom]

A Western business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the ill man feebly. The Westerner desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath.

Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."


(source: Reader's Digest article, "The World's Funniest Jokes")

[RICHARD]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'O...h,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President OBamas clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan"


Badump!

[wombat2u2004]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." :p

[wombat2u2004]

An Israeli doctor says:

'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says:

'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says:

'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor from Texas , not to be outdone, says:

'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[lvpets2002]

:p Picking on Texas again are you?? I am still laughing my butttt off.. What would we do without little Bushy Bush people??:D
An Israeli doctor says:

'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says:

'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says:

'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor from Texas , not to be outdone, says:

'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out five pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked...
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money... Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Pawsitive Thinking]

The following are supposed, "actual" responses to paternity determination questions for Detroit child welfare services.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application For
Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote
in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
to access my computer is required.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old
woman)

'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE 'US SENIORS' !!!!!


And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They
don't like being old in the first place, so it
doesn't take much to set them off!!

[wombat2u2004]

One day in heaven, Jesus' secretary says "Sir I think you have been working too hard. You need to get out and meet people."

Jesus agrees and goes for a walk down the streets of gold.

Presently, from a side street he hears the rhythmic sound of sawing and spies an old bearded carpenter in his workshop.

"Sir," Jesus says, "why do you labour so? This is heaven and your days of hard work are behind you."

The old man, face dripping with sweat, replies, "I had a son on earth whose birth was a miracle. I haven't seen him since he died. He knew I loved working with wood, and I thought if I made enough noise, he might hear it and find me."

A look of stunned realisation comes upon Jesus' face.

The carpenter sees it and stops sawing. As he gazes at Jesus' eyes beginning to mist up, their eyes lock,

Jesus says, "Father?"


The old man replies........












"Pinocchio!"

[wombat2u2004]

A guy goes hunting. He leans his gun against a tree. Just then, a gust of wind blows, the gun falls over and discharges, shooting himself in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, but there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't urinate in your eye." :p:p

[wombat2u2004]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
Give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
Any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[cassiesmom]

A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

[wombat2u2004]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress........................!!!!!!!! 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us????!!! Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?!!!!!!!! The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'!

[Catty1]

A girl from Boston, MA and a girl from the West Coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The Boston girl, being friendly and all said,"So, where ya from?" The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know ...better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."The girl from Boston, sat quietly for a few.. moments and then replied: "So, where ya from, bitch?"

[Pawsitive Thinking]

"Pinocchio!"

That set me off in a fit of the giggles :D

[wombat2u2004]

That set me off in a fit of the giggles :D

I actually fell on the floor and started to froth at the mouth :p

[wombat2u2004]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor yell, "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get"?

[cassiesmom]

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.

"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.

The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.

"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.

"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."

[Catty1]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
...
Judy Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say...

[wombat2u2004]

So, there's this yellow cane toad wandering around in the bush, kinda crapped off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other canetoads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple kangaroo hopping about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple kangaroo, "I can't pull any Roo-esses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The kangaroo looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the kangaroo replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........




"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "

[wombat2u2004]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[wombat2u2004]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."

[Grace]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[wombat2u2004]

I love you in 5 languages!



English - I Love You

French - Je T'aime

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Nin

Australian - Nice Butt, Get in the truck :p

[cassiesmom]

Patient: "Doctor, I've broken my arm in two places!"
Doctor: "Well then, stay out of those places."

Doctor: "Nurse, what is the progress of the child who swallowed a dozen coins?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

A patient in the hospital noticed her doctor walking around the unit yelling, "Influenza! Pneumonia! Shingles! Pertussis! Tetanus! Diphtheria!" She asked the nurse the reason behind the doctor's words. The nurse explained, "Oh, the doctor likes to call the shots around here."

[RICHARD]

How you know when love fades?

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "---- You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

[Catty1]

The largest condom factory in the U.S.A. burned down.

Nancy Pelosi is woken at 4 a.m. by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week".

Nancy Pelosi: "Oh damn, the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We're going to have to ship some in from Mexico "

Telephone voice says: "Bad idea....the Mexicans will have a field day with this one."

She says: "What about Canada "?

He says: "I'll call Stephen Harper, and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans".

Three days later, a delighted Nancy Pelosi runs out to open the first box of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. She finds five million condoms, 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, just as requested ..... all coloured red and white with small writing on each one.

'MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM'

[Grace]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:


You have to love this lawyer........


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.



(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."


Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):



"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"


The loan was immediately approved.

[Catty1]

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:


1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

[cassiesmom]

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

[cassiesmom]

A nurse in a hospital was making her morning rounds. She entered Mr. Smith's room and found him finishing his breakfast.

"How was your breakfast, Mr. Smith?" she asked.

"Well," he answered, "everything was delicious but I just can't get used to the taste of this Kentucky jelly."

"'Kentucky jelly'?" replied the nurse. "What is that? Was it on your meal tray?"

Mr. Smith reached over to the side of his breakfast tray and produced a packet labeled ... KY Jelly.

[wombat2u2004]

　
　
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
Sermon complete, he sat down..
　
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[Grace]

Real Man



A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.





No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.......



Never mind.

[Catty1]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[CatsMeow]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine:
'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine:
'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER !)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won


Har har har har ahahaha!

[CatsMeow]

　
　
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
Sermon complete, he sat down..
　
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'


AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Har har har HA!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh that's so HILARIOUS! :D

[CatsMeow]

how you know when love fades?

A man was sitting on the sofa watching tv when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "what would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

he said, "thank you; i'll have chicken."

she said "---- you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

ahahahahaha har har ahahaa

[wombat2u2004]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked "

[lvpets2002]

:p:D Too Funny Good One


A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked "

[Catty1]

A new supermarket opened here recently.

It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows moo and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.

In the sea-food area the scent of salt water and the sound of waves lapping a...t the shore and sea gulls calling over-head.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked read & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[cassiesmom]

Q: Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah was sitting on the deck ...

(rim shot)

[cassiesmom]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

[wombat2u2004]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration...

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[wombat2u2004]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.


After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.



A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."



The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Grace]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man

gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, is standing in the pouring rain, is

asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it’s 3:00 on the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked the wife

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks.

“No I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it’s pouring rain out there!” “Well, you have a short memory,” says the wife.

“Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still here?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer. “do you still need a push?” call out the husband. “yes, Please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

[wombat2u2004]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[cassiesmom]

A gentle Halloween joke...

Q: What did the ghost find in his bag lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich!
:rolleyes:

[Louie and me]

A man turned on his computer and was horrified to read:
YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH THE AMISH VIRUS!!!!!
Until he read:
Since the Amish don't have computers, this virus depends on the honor system. Please start deleting all your files immediately.
Thank you.

[momcat]

A gentle Halloween joke...

Q: What did the ghost find in his bag lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich!
:rolleyes:

Hi Elyse,

Q: What do ghosts like to eat for breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties and evaporated milk.

[wombat2u2004]

Two Aussies, Bob and Wombat, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Wom stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the
lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Wom immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean
into Fosters beer."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Bob looked disgustedly at Wom whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Bob said,
"Nice going Wom! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[SWHouston]

Walter and Thibodeaux had served in the Military together, but when they got out, Walter returned to Colorado, and Thibodeaux to southern Louisiana.

One day, Walter was reading the paper, and saw where they had widened the Bayous for two way traffic, in the Parish that Thibodeaux lived in, and called him.

Tee-Boy, Walter ask, WHY in the world have ya'll been widening your Bayous,
those Pirogue you row around in, aren't that big !

Shoenough Walt, Thibodeaux said, it ain't for de Pirogue,
it be fo de Alligators !



Have a good Day ! :)
S.W.

[Grace]

This should prove helpful to everyone -


Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[kokopup]

> ----->Giving Up Chocolate

>
> I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
>
> I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'
>
> 'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.
>
> 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
>
> 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
>
> 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
>
> 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
>
> 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
>
> The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
>
> I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
>
>
> Now don't laugh.
>
>
>
>

[lizbud]

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... ???


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.


In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL

UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!

[Cataholic]

@Lizbud...omg. I can now retire for the evening, with laughter in my heart. :)

[wombat2u2004]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psyc't. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
How much do you charge?'
Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.
I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'


'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'


SCREW THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER

[wombat2u2004]

A Little Christmas Story


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.



The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.

Isn't this a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Not a lot of people know this.

[cassiesmom]

http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/adae8211-ff46-42b2-9f2e-f9bc012f4cbb.jpg

[Lilith Cherry]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
---------------------------

[Lilith Cherry]

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have.....

Disturbed You,
Troubled You,
Pestered You,
Irritated You,
Bugged You,
or got on your Nerves!!
So today, I just wanted to tell you....

Suck it up Cupcake! Cause there AIN'T NO CHANGES Planned for 2011

[wombat2u2004]

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have.....

Disturbed You,
Troubled You,
Pestered You,
Irritated You,
Bugged You,
or got on your Nerves!!
So today, I just wanted to tell you....

Suck it up Cupcake! Cause there AIN'T NO CHANGES Planned for 2011

Bummer :p

[cassiesmom]

Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs!

[wombat2u2004]

Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs!

ROFL :p:p

[cassiesmom]

I heard this joke today and I have to admit, it took me a minute!

Why don't acrobats perform in the winter?
Because they only do somersaults!

[Grace]

AIRPORT SCREENING STATISTICS

Year to date statistics on TSA airport screening -
from the Department of Homeland Security:




Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

[SWHouston]

AIRPORT SCREENING STATISTICS

Though those numbers are fairly accurate,
don't forget that 11 of those people were individually responsible,
for having 4 or more of the noted items.

[cassiesmom]

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
A: I'm stuck on you!


(:rolleyes:)

[Grace]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[cassiesmom]

And now, a St. Patrick's Day joke...

Q: Why did the guy from Chicago start speaking with an Irish accent on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because he wanted to go for brogue.

(groan)

[cassiesmom]

A henpecked husband who's had a few is driving home one night when he's pulled over by a police officer.

"Excuse me, sir; may I ask where you've been tonight?"

"Why, out for an evening, officer," stammers the man.

"That's what I thought," says the officer. "It looks like you've had a little too much to drink this evening."

"That's possible," answers the driver.

"Did you realize," asks the police officer, folding his arms across his chest, "that your wife fell out of the car two traffic lights back?"

"Oh, thank heavens," the man sighs in relief. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[cassiesmom]

So a Pi Day joke...

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?

Pi a la mode


(I :love: ice cream!)

[wombat2u2004]

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[Grace]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"


Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.


"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....


(I just love this part....)


"Your badge, show him your BADGE........!!"

[Marigold2]

Why is it good to have Alzheimers during Easter?





You can hide your own Easter eggs. :p

[pomtzu]

Not really very funny or appropriate to post here, especially since there is at least one PT member whose father has this heartbreaking disease. :( Maybe it wouldn't be so amusing if you had to live with it and care for a loved one everyday who is afflicted with it. :mad:

[caseysmom]

Not really very funny or appropriate to post here, especially since there is at least one PT member whose father has this heartbreaking disease. :( Maybe it wouldn't be so amusing if you had to live with it and care for a loved one everyday who is afflicted with it. :mad:

Thank you my father suffered from this for 10 years before he died. It was heartbreaking and not something to joke about in my opinion.

[Asiel]

Why is it good to have Alzheimers during Easter?





You can hide your own Easter eggs. :p



:eek: :eek: :eek: :( One of my best friends started showing signs of the disease 3 yrs ago and is getting progressively worse. Our next door neighbour was in a home for 8 yrs just exisiting until his death. It saddens me to see someone make light of this cruel devastating disease.

[Marigold2]

This joke was told to me by one of our patients. His wife suffers from Alzheimers. This is his way of coping and who am I to say he is wrong.
Maybe he learned the joke at a support meeting. Anyway he felt close enough to tell me the joke, I have known him and his wife for 8 years and adore them both. And yes it was funny as all get out.
My mother in law whom I loved dearly had Alzheimers too. But funny is funny and if you lose your ability to laugh in the face of tragedy well that is a whole different type of death of the brain, the spirit and life.



Why is it good to have Alzheimers during Easter?





You can hide your own Easter eggs. :p

[pomtzu]

This joke was told to me by one of our patients. His wife suffers from Alzheimers. This is his way of coping and who am I to say he is wrong.
Maybe he learned the joke at a support meeting. Anyway he felt close enough to tell me the joke, I have known him and his wife for 8 years and adore them both. And yes it was funny as all get out.
My mother in law whom I loved dearly had Alzheimers too. But funny is funny and if you lose your ability to laugh in the face of tragedy well that is a whole different type of death of the brain, the spirit and life.

Laugh at tragedy??? - not me - so I guess I'm dead! :mad:
But I don't find it surprising that YOU would find it amusing. You - who has referred to certain people as "veggies/veggie salad", and one who thinks that someone breaking into a car should take a bullet to the head...........well - that tells me just what kind of insensitive and radical individual that you are.
If you found that "joke" - "funny as all get out" - then fine. But you should have kept it to yourself and not posted it here. This isn't the place for your kind of humor, and I'm sure that anyone that has dealt directly with a person suffering from this disease, finds it cruel and insensitive. I did - and I'm not afraid/ashamed to say so. I'm sure that the majority of people that might have read it, feel the same, even if they didn't state their opinion here.
I truly believe that you don't have one ounce of compassion in your body. :mad:
Laugh when tragedy strikes YOU - not others.

[Asiel]

Very well put and I can say I agree with everything said here.

I just can't imagine what kind of person would hire an insensitive cruel person to work in an office when they get their jollies making fun of other people's tragedies, and yes, Alzheimer's is a tragedy. Just because the husband tries to cover up his real feelings of sadness does not give you the right to make a mockery of it on forums. Maybe search your soul for a bit if understanding and compassion before mouthing off about something you don't seem to know a whit about.
Maybe it's time you went back to school and studied up on a few things.

[wombat2u2004]

Come on kids. Lighten up now.
It's Easter time.
This forum has been argument free for a while, and it's been good, so lets not open up old wounds.....k ???? ;)

[Bonny]

Actually things are really smoking in here & the smoke alarm went off in my computer besides. :eek:

I don't have Alzheimer's (anyhow I don't think I do?) but it has taken me half a year now to find some dog collars I put up on some deer horns, that were hanging right in front of me. Go figure the older you get the worse it gets. :confused:

[Catty1]

From "Crazy Things Parents Say" :D

Me: So why does the older generations have so many more children?
Gran: (Who has 3 sisters and 4 brothers) Well, there wasn't much to do back then.

[Asiel]

Come on kids. Lighten up now.
It's Easter time.
This forum has been argument free for a while, and it's been good, so lets not open up old wounds.....k ???? ;)


I don't see any argument here Wom. Simply differing views on a subject. While some may think it's fine to ridicule Alzheimer's patients or any other form of mental illness I view it as a form of abuse, insensitivity and cruelty and that's what I stated. People are up in arms over the abuse of pets yet abusing humans is considered acceptable?? Not in my view and that's all I stated. I've witnessed these people in all stages of this devastating disease and sincerely can't say that I find anything funny about it. And I don't know anyone else who can find humour in making fun of them or anyone with any kind of mental illness for that matter.

I challenge you to spend a day in a facility for Alzheimer's patients or any other form of disorder and come home saying that was a fun day. Would you teach your own children to ridicule anyone with a mental disorder-- What about our soldiers who come home mentally disabled because of injury , physical or mental trauma etc...do you find anything funny about them also...? Or are they just cast away veggie salads? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive.

[wombat2u2004]

I don't see any argument here Wom. Simply differing views on a subject. While some may think it's fine to ridicule Alzheimer's patients or any other form of mental illness I view it as a form of abuse, insensitivity and cruelty and that's what I stated. People are up in arms over the abuse of pets yet abusing humans is considered acceptable?? Not in my view and that's all I stated. I've witnessed these people in all stages of this devastating disease and sincerely can't say that I find anything funny about it. And I don't know anyone else who can find humour in making fun of them or anyone with any kind of mental illness for that matter.

I challenge you to spend a day in a facility for Alzheimer's patients or any other form of disorder and come home saying that was a fun day. Would you teach your own children to ridicule anyone with a mental disorder-- What about our soldiers who come home mentally disabled because of injury , physical or mental trauma etc...do you find anything funny about them also...? Or are they just cast away veggie salads? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive.

Awww...it was a harmless little joke mate, and I doubt it was meant to offend anyone. I mean, most jokes have a shot at something or someone, right ???? ;)

[Catty1]

Link to a Google search for "disabled comedians"...and guess what they laugh about?

http://www.google.ca/#hl=en&source=hp&biw=1920&bih=879&q=disabled+comedians&aq=0&aqi=g2g-v6g-j1g-m1&aql=&oq=disabled+comedian&fp=4f06745222af36bd