Am I making too much of this?

[Catty1]

This is a family site, so I will try and write this neutrally.

BF has a nice new house, first time on his own since his wife died several years ago.

This is wonderful - he is really starting to enjoy adding more decor, landscaping, shrubs, Persian/India hall rugs...hardwood floors. All just the way he wanted it.

Downstairs is a complete guest area - microwave and kettle, a toaster I think. Full bath, several guest rooms, a living area with couch and a fireplace. Also, guest room upstairs for elderly relatives or friends who aren't as limber as they once were.

I have been there several times...before my surgery, we got "close". (That's as direct as I will get).

Instead of shuffling off to the main room upstairs, I was shuffled each time to a guest room downstairs. I asked 'why' once, and got some reply about the 'item of furniture' on the main floor being 'too high'.

We rarely get to see each other in person, though we talk on IM very well. I have raised this question for more discussion later. I want more on the "why".

If that room is yet too "special" for us, then I think that denotes a change in direction and behaviour where the two of us are concerned.

I feel like I am "relegated" to the guest room, and I am ANNOYED.

Am I bugged over nothing? What do you think? :confused:

[Cataholic]

I have memory issues, as I couldn't remember your last post about him. Here it is:

Oops - didn't clarify.

My BF likes and loves his dog, but is not tuned into them the same way I and others are.

After my surgery, I had time to reflect and while things are very good with my BF and I, I noticed things that were fine now - but were another thing to deal with when two people were under the same roof long-term! Since a relationship can possibly become permanent, I have wanted to be honest about the small and important thing below. I had IM's him a link to Kfamr's thread with the gecko on the dog's nose! LOL

The rest of his response and the conversation follows:

BF Yes, the dog. That is a difference between you and I (and differences are okay) I'm not 'into' pets as much although I enjoy them on a basic level. That message board on pets always surprises me .. how much people share about their animals. But to each their own!

Later in the post....
LOL. Whadya think? Finally got to mention this in IM...


Me BTW just back to pets for a second...
BF yes?
BF Oscar, as I have said, always sleeps at my feet on the bed, as does Cole if he shares the space with Oscar. Early morning, Oscar loves to snuggle beside my head on the pillow and groom me, purr, and nap again! But I told you that (my poor nose!). So while I really like that and other idiosyncracies about my cats, I don't know that a partner would. Again, differences are fine, until one has to live with them. So when Oscar gets snuggly, that does cross my mind. Of course...he might enjoy grooming TWO people! lol
Again, a point to consider, as I would not discourage him from doing that, silly though that may sound.
BF I really should get myself some dinner (my biggest meal) and ready to leave. This has/is most pleasant and I always enjoy. Just wanted to ask what the state of the union is with your friend etc...

I think he is telling you just what he wants you to hear. He isn't into things like you are at the current moment. I can't see spending much energy here, until HE decides he is ready. Just my honest, and detached .02.

You did mention later in that post that you thought maybe he was going to come back to the issue and discuss it. Did he?

[lizbud]

What's wrong with asking BR this question? Why tip toe around about it?

[catnapper]

Hmmmm.... if I am following this as clearly as I think I am, this guy must still feel guilty of cheating on his wife, despite the fact that she's been gone for a while now. It could mean two things, A) that he's a sweet guy who takes commitment seriously and is battling himself with knowing that he has to move on in order to live the life he has. Or B) he's just incapable of having a strong emotional connection, which denying access to his private room would demonstrate.

Of course I do not know the entire story, nor should I know the entire story. The thing is, if you feel annoyed, then its an issue. I know you're trying to get a different perspective (I often do this myself to gauge whether I'm over reacting emotionally when there's really nothing to react to) so this is a good step.... see if there's a reason to be annoyed. If not, then still speak with him and let him know you need a little something to soothe your wounded womanhood ;) :p :)

[kuhio98]

Well, I had an answer -- you're making too much of it -- but then I read catnapper's response. I've obviously misunderstood something. I thought BR meant Brother. Who, exactly are we talking about here? :confused: :confused: :confused:

[catnapper]

It could be that I misread it too! I thought BR was the guy's initials! :eek:

[Catty1]

SORRY - I meant BF!

Cataholic...He did address this the next time we spoke on the phone, and said he very much respected - and mentioned that he really meant this - the care that my mom and I each have for our pets.

Interesting thought about trying to move on - the "should" - vs the guilt, ie, what IS and real.

It's not me, it's him. :p

He asked what my dreams and hopes were. So from my gut I said to have a place to foster cats, and to collect and edit the road musician anthology I have always wanted to do.

He is truly kind and thoughtful, and frequently refers to our time together as "be nice to Candace day".

Thanks for feedback and do post more IF you want. I don't want to make all decisions inside my own head! :D

[kuhio98]

BF ~ Thanks! That helps. I was going to say (if it was your brother) that you were making too much of it 'cuz you probably figured out by now that you had a weird brother. :p

Boyfriend seems to be giving you all the signals that he's going to only "allow" you in just so much into his life. I think you should stop "pussy footing" around (sorry, I couldn't resist) and go anywhere you want. Plop yourself down in the middle of the room and make yourself at home. If he blows a gasket, well let him. If he's going to be the one setting all the rules -- and you're always having to prove yourself or audition for the role of girlfriend.......... well, that's gonna get old real fast and you may find it wasn't worth the effort.

Maybe it's the menopause kicking in, but I don't have time for people like that anymore. I'd tell him that you are the way you are. Nothing wrong with you. And he's on notice that he needs to prove himself to you that he is worth any more of your time. 'Cuz the clock is ticking!

Now, if you're happy with the majority of the relationship (is this the only thing he tries to control in your life?) then let it go. But, if this is just an example of one of the walls he has up......... Buh-bye now. We're gonna miss you. Thanks for playing and we have some lovely parting gifts for you. :D

[Catty1]

Well, if I have learned nothing else in my 51 years on earth, it is that my gut tells the truth.

If I feel he is putting on an act in an honest attempt to move himself forward, then I am right. Sometimes I feel I am dealing with the 'real' guy. Other times, not so much. He is working a good job, driving semis at night (second career which he loves as he is out of the office career now), trying to balance visits from bits of a huge extended family, and time with me.

We live about an hour from each other. This was ok til the summer got busy.

Anyway, no sense rambling on. I think he is stretching to meet and succeed in all areas of his life - work, family, 'relationship' - and he is too stretched. Certainly too stretched for a relationship. How can that even evolve with 8 hours together every 2 months?

Consider that a rhetorical question. :p

If I had a brother...I would HOPE he'd be weird. Hey, does Wom need a sister? :D

Thanks. :)

[wombat2u2004]

If I had a brother...I would HOPE he'd be weird. Hey, does Wom need a sister? :D

A sister ???? Nawwww. A kissin cousin would be good tho :D
Anyway.....if I was your brother, I'd probably be hunting all of these would be suitors away, and introducing you to important people, like my mate Pete, and maybe......Davy. :D :D
Wom

[Catty1]

Anyway.....if I was your brother, I'd probably be hunting all of these would be suitors away, and introducing you to important people, like my mate Pete, and maybe......Davy.
Wom

And I thought a one-hour drive was a lot! :eek: :eek: :eek:

I do have a good email from BF after I addressed this and a few other things.

Off to write 'the reply' and get 'the answer'. The good thing here is we communicate well...none of these juvenile tamtrums!

(not yet anyway... :p ...)

ETA: Seriously, wish me luck here. I am too old and tired of putting up with less than I deserve, and in turn, taking time away from the best that someone else deserves.

[wombat2u2004]

And I thought a one-hour drive was a lot! :eek: :eek: :eek:

I do have a good email from BF after I addressed this and a few other things.

Off to write 'the reply' and get 'the answer'. The good thing here is we communicate well...none of these juvenile tamtrums!

(not yet anyway... :p ...)

ETA: Seriously, wish me luck here. I am too old and tired of putting up with less than I deserve, and in turn, taking time away from the best that someone else deserves.

I do wish you luck, and I hope whichever way it goes for you it will turn out the best for you. ;) Wom

[moosmom]

I'm glad I'm single. :rolleyes: :p

[Catty1]

So am I glad!!! No lawyers, no money! :D

And Oscar can still snuggle on my pillow in the morning. :)

Anyway, wrote my reply and feel so much better. Off to pick up MY birthday present which is FOR the cats. Who else? :p

[wombat2u2004]

Anyway, wrote my reply and feel so much better.

No no no.....you have to discuss this sort of thing face to face, preferably privately, so if you don't get the answers you want, you can kick him in the cobblers and get away with it. ;)
Wom

[kitten645]

As you said, trust your gut. It never lies to you! And as Suze Orman says "Never put yourself "on sale"!" You deserve only the best. Don't sell yourself short. There are worse things than being alone!
Just as an FYI, I just kicked a BF to the curb when he said that Smudge was old and I should have him put down. Hmpf! I told him, he was here before you and he'll be here when you are long gone! Seeeeeyaaaaaa! ;)

[kimlovescats]

Candace, this is the first thread I have read about your relationship with your BF. My gut feeling right now though, is that he is not looking or at least not ready for a serious relationship right now. I know for a fact that I would not be treated like a guest in my BF's home! It's a new house, a fresh start ... not the place that was home to him and his former wife .... so what is sacred about his "furniture"?

Good luck and I wish you well, just don't want to see you hurt!

Kim

[Craftlady]

It was mentioned in the first post explaining the situation that you rarely get to see each other in person.


It appears that he doesnt feel this is a serious relationship either when you are together. Making you feel like a "guest" in his house speaks volumes that this guy is NOT on the same wave length as you in considering the relationship "boyfriend/girlfriend" and/or committed relationship to date exclusively.

The great communication via IM is more like best friends which is ok IF that's what you want from him but I sense that's not the case.

My advise, If someone nice wants to take you out, I'd go for it.
Waiting for this guy to commit isnt going to happen.

[Catsnclay]

It was mentioned in the first post explaining the situation that you rarely get to see each other in person.


It appears that he doesnt feel this is a serious relationship either when you are together. Making you feel like a "guest" in his house speaks volumes that this guy is NOT on the same wave length as you in considering the relationship "boyfriend/girlfriend" and/or committed relationship to date exclusively.

The great communication via IM is more like best friends which is ok IF that's what you want from him but I sense that's not the case.

My advise, If someone nice wants to take you out, I'd go for it.
Waiting for this guy to commit isnt going to happen.

Wow.....I couldn't have said this better!

It sounds like your 'relationship' is purely IM's and maybe a phone call once in a while. He wants a 'buddy' not a girlfriend.

BTW- does he refer to you as his 'girlfriend'???

Sorry Candace, But I think you are reading more into this relationship than he is.......

I had a BF that did this to me, but we did sleep together :eek: well, thought I'd get right to the point, but anyway he made it perfectly clear in the beginning that we were just going to be 'friends' and nothing more. After 5 years of putting up with that s*** I decided enough was enough, shortly after I dumped him I met my husband and I knew from the start that HE was the one. When former BF found out about new BF all of a sudden he was in 'love' with me and wanted me back.......HA!

Any way the moral to this story is: sit down, in person with BF (or whatever) and ask him directly - where is this relationship going??? What are WE doing? If he hyms & haws, dump him. He is not worth your time, and I think you know this already.........sorry.

PM me if you want to talk more, I'm always here for you Candace! And I want to see you happy!!

[Catty1]

Any way the moral to this story is: sit down, in person with BF (or whatever) and ask him directly - where is this relationship going??? What are WE doing? If he hyms & haws, dump him. He is not worth your time, and I think you know this already.........sorry.


Cats - that is exactly what we just did. While I cared about him, I had stopped caring about any relationship a while back, because I was tired of waiting. That's exactly what I said. I also acknowledged that his new life, with new job and all, had him stretched...and that was not good either. I said that this type of situation does ANY relationship no good at all.

He replied, and said that perhaps nothing had changed - just that it was out in the open. We do like each other, and enjoy each other's company. He's not looking, but I can "look" (which I am not). He said that he just can't give me the time I deserve (DA-DA!).

We are taking the friendship part and keeping that.

This may not sound like so much in words, but it is a huge relief. No more putting square pegs in round holes!

Reading more into it? LOL I was reading a BLANK SHEET and wanting to discuss with the other writer. As far as my feelings I wasn't in a relationship any more.

He thinks that with all he has going on right now, he should stay single. AMEN. I agreed.

Am glad this all cleared the air...even if I had to have the cojones to do it!


No no no.....you have to discuss this sort of thing face to face, preferably privately, so if you don't get the answers you want, you can kick him in the cobblers and get away with it.

Now, now...friends don't kick each other in the """""""! :D

[wombat2u2004]

Good on ya mate.....I'm glad you got this all sorted out with him, and that now you know exactly where you stand....that is really important in any relationship. ;)
Wom

[Rachel]

Well, if I have learned nothing else in my 51 years on earth, it is that my gut tells the truth.



That is what I was thinking. Your gut was telling you something that I'm not sure you wanted to hear, hence you were coming here seeking another opinion.

[Catty1]

Your gut was telling you something that I'm not sure you wanted to hear, hence you were coming here seeking another opinion.

More like - validation that what I was feeling/thinking was correct. I'd already sent the initial email before posting here.

Thanks, everyone. :)