Need some "legal" advice.....

[racing_gurl07]

I dont know if anyone here works for family services or social services or anything along those lines...but i do have a little bit of a conflict....
As you all know i am about 4 months pregnant...and I was with the father of this child but then it didnt work out, he turned into an alocholic, and i dont want him around me while im pregnant or this child after they are born. but he is trying to talk to me about who gets this child for holidays and things like that. but what do i do, where do i go, so i can get full custody of this child. I know it might be too early but its never too early for advice. I dont want him around at all, i know it might seem bad but if you would know how he treated me and how much he drinks :(
so if anyone has any advice..please let me know...thanks!

[Cataholic]

Take this for what it is, free advice.

You have full, legal, and the only custody of the baby. The father has no legal rights in this situation until he has them established. This is done through paternity testing, or by affadavit.

I would encourage you to get in touch with a local women's group to work issues out. For starters, I would tell you the following: do not have him sign the birth certificate, do not give the baby his last name, and do not get all embroiled with who gets whom over holidays. It is too early. A lot can happen in 4-5 months, not to mention a newborn is usually better served in the mother's custody for the first several months.

If you know now this is not a relationship you wish to be involved in, I would stop all communication with him. He has no 'rights' to speak of until after the baby is born, and has to have them established.

[moosmom]

I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate either.

Great advice, as always Cataholic!!

[racing_gurl07]

thanks for advice! am i a bad person for not letting him be around this child?

[Catty1]

No you are not being bad for not letting him be around his child!

If he cleans up his act, and starts to behave like a father, that might be another thing.

But until he does, he qualifies only for the position of Past Sperm Donor.

Think of it the other way - letting your child be around him! NOT a good idea AT ALL.

Take care of you and your baby, and contact some of the resources suggested.

hugs!

[moosmom]

Absolutely not!! You know what's in the best interest of the child. I wouldn't let my daughter go with my aunt, because she would drink and drive. So no, you're doing the right thing.

[Laura's Babies]

Cataholic's advice is 100% correct so follow that as it is good advice.

[racing_gurl07]

thanks for all the advice gals! :) it makes me feel so much better knowing that im doing the right thing.

I have a new boyfriend now that supports me 100% with this pregnacy, he wants to be there for everything. (well so does my ex but i dont want him there) and my boyfriend now wants to be the real daddy in this childs life...wants to be a father figure. but the child still needs to know who their real father is right?

[Pam]

I am glad Cataholic saw this thread and responded. She has given you sound advice. Regarding your new boyfriend.... I imagine he has only been in your life a couple of months since you were still with the baby's father four months ago. I wouldn't rely on any feelings (yours or his) or statements from him. It is way too early to think about his part in the baby's life. Lots can change over time. What won't change is that you are about to be a mom and that new little one should be your only concern. Good luck!

[carole]

Maybe in the future if you and your boyfriend are solid, adoption by your new partner might be an option, it has already been said, it is far too early probably to be making any firm decisions yet, but i happy to hear your new partner is ready to step up and be a daddy to your baby. :)

I can only give you some advice on my own experience and i am not sure it will help, my ex husband was also an alcoholic and i parted with him when my son was about 16 months old, he was not a bad person and he had sought help for his problem, he saw my son for about a year and had remarried taking on four other children, i later met someone who wanted to adopt my son, but the relationship ended, my son's father had decided to stay out of the picture and let it go ahead and sign his rights over,however he chose not to re-enter my son's life,even though i gave him the opportunity telling him the relationship had finished, i have since married and my son was legally adopted by husband.,at the age of ten years old.

I am not sure if i made the right decision to this day, but my son considers my husband his dad, and has no desire to ever look up his biological father, he is now 25 yrs old, however i do think it affected him, no matter the situation they feel abandoned by them, and it does hurt them,you can only do what you feel is right for your child,good luck.

[Marigold2]

How about giving the baby up for adoption. This way you never have to deal with him ever again and you can start a new life without being a single mom which by the way is one of the hardest things to do. Not just time wise, but money wise as well. His parents can down the road make your life hell along with him and the rest of his family.

[catnapper]

I would meet other women in your position and talk with them. You already know the father isn't good for you. Thats a step many women take too long to take. There is a lot of help out there for women who are escaping bad relationships with children. They have heard it all and know how to help. Go seek them out.

[Cataholic]

How about giving the baby up for adoption. This way you never have to deal with him ever again and you can start a new life without being a single mom which by the way is one of the hardest things to do. Not just time wise, but money wise as well. His parents can down the road make your life hell along with him and the rest of his family.


What? Give a baby up so that the woman doesn't have to deal with the man again, and start a new life?

It is hard? So, give the baby up? Being a single mom is not the hardest thing to do. In fact, I am surprised at how easy and uncomplicated my life is. Raising Jonah is probably the greatest thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing, and I get to do it full-time, all 'alone', and totally without regret.

Maybe that is because I am focused on my one and only priority- raising my son. My wants/needs/desires(LOL on that one, he he he...I mean it in the most innocent of terms) all take a second chair, gladly. I don't want/need/care for having another adult in my life.

Racinggrl- I don't think I would begin to get involved with anyone at this point. Your life, as you knew it, is going to be flopped upside down. Frankly, I can't imagine you having the time/energy to devote to a new relationship, other than the baby. I would prolly stop focusing on what life is going to be like in 6 months, and who, besides your baby, will be in it. Please don't p*** away your pregnancy and first few months with a newborn on some new "love". It is time you will never get back, and chances are good, sadly, that your new "love" won't be there in another 6 months.

[JenBKR]

I am glad that you realized that the father is no good for you now. I agree with catnapper that too many women take too long to figure that out. I'm glad that the new boyfriend is stepping up for you. I also agree that it might be good for you to find other women in the same position as you - I am sure that you could find a support group or even an online forum that would be good. I do know that you have a good support system, so I am happy for that.

[Marigold2]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.
What? Give a baby up so that the woman doesn't have to deal with the man again, and start a new life?

It is hard? So, give the baby up? Being a single mom is not the hardest thing to do. In fact, I am surprised at how easy and uncomplicated my life is. Raising Jonah is probably the greatest thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing, and I get to do it full-time, all 'alone', and totally without regret.

Maybe that is because I am focused on my one and only priority- raising my son. My wants/needs/desires(LOL on that one, he he he...I mean it in the most innocent of terms) all take a second chair, gladly. I don't want/need/care for having another adult in my life.

Racinggrl- I don't think I would begin to get involved with anyone at this point. Your life, as you knew it, is going to be flopped upside down. Frankly, I can't imagine you having the time/energy to devote to a new relationship, other than the baby. I would prolly stop focusing on what life is going to be like in 6 months, and who, besides your baby, will be in it. Please don't p*** away your pregnancy and first few months with a newborn on some new "love". It is time you will never get back, and chances are good, sadly, that your new "love" won't be there in another 6 months.

[catnapper]

Marigold, I'm sorry you had to go it alone. Being a single mom is never glamorous. I wouldn't wish to be in any young mom's shoes. The fear, uncertainty, the overwhelming reality of it all.

but....
Who said this girl IS alone? Who said she's only making $8 an hour?

Ashley is a single mom. She is a college student. She WILL finish school and WILL make a good life for herself and Cameron. Her FAMILY and FRIENDS will make sure she's got enough money and support to make it happen in the meantime. She did NOT need the baby's father. She certainly did NOT need to give the baby up. I swear, the baby saved her life on soooo many levels. She now has focus and priorities and knows who is here for her.

racing_gurl, I reiterate, please find a support group with people who understand. Their knowledge and support can help in so many ways.

[Marigold2]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............:eek: :eek:

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.:eek:
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown

[carole]

This thread seems to have changed some, i don't think she was asking advice on whether to adopt her child out or not, i believe that is not even an option for her, as she has never said so,she just wants advice on how to keep the father out of the picture.

Marigold i do respect your opinion and see where you are coming from, and yes you do have a ton of experience and like me have been on both sides of the fence,i have been a mother for 25 years, and i too was a solo parent for almost ten years and it was not easy by any means,and i was married, however adoption is not always the answer either,i am sure it has not even crossed her mind.

As for her new partner not being there in a six months time ,well none of us know that ,probably not even her,but i am sure she is thinking on the positive side with her new relationship, hoping not to go it alone and have a good father to her baby, only time will tell i guess in the long run,at least she has found someone she trusts and cares for, who also appears to feel the same for her and her unborn child, that is not always easy to find, i wish you the best of luck with everything and sincerely hope it does work for you both.

[catnapper]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............:eek: :eek:

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.:eek:
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown
Hmmm.... you have not considered medical reasons for saving her life have you? They found MAJOR issues that they would have never found without him coming into the world. He saved her life by being born and her being in the hospital at the time. She has to have testing from now til eternity every 6 months to make sure the problem doesn't return. Nice sarcasm. Speaking of maturity, that was very mature on your part.

As for having a baby hoping to grow up... I agree. She didn't think this would suddeny make her an adult. She was terrified out of her mind. She CHOSE to grow up and accept the responsibility. She has been rewarded a thousand times over for that choice.

Ashley's maturity didn't happen overnight either. Its not as if she went to bed with a one day old infant and woke up the next day with a new level of maturity. In fact, it seemed as if she regressed the first few months. She was a helpless child herself. Scared. Lost. Uncertain. It took the past 12 months for her to blossom into a mature young woman... a young woman I am VERY proud of. She'll only continue on this bright new path and become an even more amazing young woman and mom.

Cam's father? Ha! He decided to remain as immature and selfish as ever and is reaping the seeds of what he has sewn. Having a baby did not in any way make him grow up. He made the choice to ignore his responsibilites and remain immature. Sucks to be him.

[Roxyluvsme13]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.
Just to comment on this..

My mom is a single mom. We almost lost our house. We lost our car. We had to walk places. We couldn't pay the bills, we went without electricity for two + days until my mom finally decided to ask for help.

But.. we got through it all. And it sucked.

Life isn't going to be a fairytale, even if you have a car, a job, a house, food, etc. And just because you're a single mom doesn't mean anything. There's a lot of strong single moms out there, including my own, and really, I think being a single mom makes you stronger. It makes you fight harder for what you do and care more about your kids.

And Jen, I don't think you should put your baby up for adoption. I can't even believe people are suggesting that.

[Twisterdog]

Wow ... what a thread! I don't even know where to begin!

I have mixed feelings about the father of the baby not being able to see the baby. I obviously don't know any details, none of us do, so it's impossible to give really good, informed advice. But I will say this from my own experience - what I thought and felt about my son's father four months after we split up was skewed, to say the least. I hated that man, and saw only the worst in him. As I'm sure he did in me. However, time heals all wounds and changes all things. He really wasn't the son of Satan that I thought he was at the time, and he certainly grew out of the bad habits he had in his early twenties. He is my son's father, and while he hasn't been the best father, he hasn't been the worst, either. And by knowing his father, my son has learned many things ... including the kind of father he does not want to be. Obviously, if this baby's father is a true creep, this is not applicable. But I'd be careful making hasty judgements about a man you just broke up with when you are both young. That baby and that man have the potential for a lifetime together as father and son ... with the rough places and good alike that come with any human relationships. Don't be too quick to erase that potential.

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

[cyber-sibes]

I commend your choice of having the baby rather than not. I also agree that letting an irresponsible alcoholic "father" have any rights would be insane. I'm not sure how the legal system is these days, if he actually has any rights or not. There are probably social services where you can talk to a lawyer & find out for sure.
In spite of some tough times, raising my sons was the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And I did it as a single parent for many years. The ongoing hell of dealing with an ex who is fighting over the kids is just awful, so don't get roped into some legal arrangement with the baby's father unless you really want to complicate your life for the next 21 years.

Only you can decide what you think is the right course of action, but know that many of us offer advice based on life experience...but

Please, rethink starting a new relationship at this time, you already have so many changes going on in your life. This baby should be the only new relationship that is a top priority right now. It is a relationship that will last the rest of your life, and it's going to take all your energy & time for a while. "Motherhood" totally redefines "full time". Plus the emotional changes you'll experience, (you can't imagine :rolleyes: )... throw a new man in the mix and you may find yourself very mixed up. Your baby needs you 100% now.

Good luck!

[Karen]

Good wishes for you and the new baby. I am glad for you and the baby that you realized the father was bad news, and hope you can find the lgeal help you may need. I would reccomend to take it slow with the new relationship, just in case. After all, your hormones are, of course, doing funny things right now, and that affects one's thought process!

That said, I do know one couple who started dating when she was pregnant with an ex-boyfriend's baby. They have since married, and "D" is the only father all three of their girls have ever known. Some day, "C" will probably explain to her eldest daughter why she looks so much different than her sisters, but the family is just that - a family.

[JenBKR]

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby :( So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

[mruffruff]

My daughter decided to keep her baby girl and raise it alone. The father wanted no part of his daughter. My granddaughter is the light of my life and gave my daughter focus. She had the courts prove paternity and has child support deposited to her checking account every month. They don't have a lot but they have each other and me. Dad has only seen his daughter once when she was 3 months old--12 years ago. Now my granddaughter wants to know why. I don't have any answers.

Give yourself time to really think about what can happen in the future. Your child will be affected by your decision as much as you will be. If this person is truly not redeemable, maybe you should cut him out of your life. But most people can change. Even if he isn't a good example to your child, he can be a lesson of what NOT to become. And the law says he WILL support his child.

I would hope that this child would be spared any dramatic confrontations. Screaming matches (or more!) scar little ones.

The future holds no guarantees. Going it alone will be tough but you can do it if you are strong and think things through before making any decisions.

[Cataholic]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

Surely, you weren't referring to ME as someone acting like a two year old, not wanting to share her barbie, were you?

You sound angry, resentful, and bitter. Maybe you are, maybe you are not. I dunno. But, I do believe having those traits could make ANY money one has meaningless. It can't be about money.

I make a modest income, have health benefits, two weeks paid holiday, and live in my own home (well, the bank and I...). I am, like many people, subject to homelessness, loss of benefits, and the like, with not much more than the loss of my job. Married, a hundred years old, or single, not much changes the fact that most of us, if we lose our jobs, would be in a dire situation. It can't be about money.

Probably, it is this particular comment of yours that gets under my skin:


Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave.


I guess this means that 1) if you do not stay home with your child you cannot be a good mother; 2) if you do not have a car, you cannot be a good mother; 3) if you do not have good medical coverage, you cannot be a good mother; 4) if you are not part of a 'loving family', by which I read into- married, you cannot be a good mother.

Stunning, insulting, outdated, and generally, hurtful.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby :( So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

Jen, if I'd waited until I reached Marigold's high standards of parenthood I wouldn't have had almost 18 years with the most beautiful, kind, caring, thoughtful child that was ever born. Children need love, food, security, warmth and clothing not all the fancy clobber that "adults" seem to think is important

[racing_gurl07]

I didnt mean to make this thread to start any agurements or anything. I just wanted some advice so the babys father isnt in the picture. Yes i know most of you dont know the whole situation, but let me explain so you can understand better....

The father of the baby, lets call him T, well T...when i first met him he drank ALL the time. spent all of our money on acholol, we were broke...and we worked our butts off, but every penny he made he had to buy beer or whatever. About 4-5 nights a week he was Drunk, full out wasted. i wasnt pregnant at the time so i delt with it. When we found out we were pregnant...i made him promise that he would try and stop, well atleast cut down, but never did and never did. At that time we had to move in with his dad, I only lived there for about 2 weeks. What really set me off was...i was gone for about 5 days with my family i come back and he said he has been durnk for 2 days straight..well thats just great. and about 3 nights after that, he went out and bought more..he told me i could of told him to not buy it, but its not MY problem..its his..he has to deal with it. but anywy..that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping) I was upstairs sleeping, but couldnt because of his screeming to himself. Me and his sister left...i came back and told him i had enough so i got my stuff around 1 am and just left..i drove 2 hours to my parents. So thats that. I ve been living here at my rents for about 2 months now, i have a job (i dont make much but its money) im saving money up to get my own place, I am going to school either this fall or next spring, but that is all covered. With living with my parents they support me...i dont have to pay rent, food or anything, just have to clean up after myself. And after the baby is born its going to be the same way if i live with them. And if i dont live with them, they willstill help me anyway they can.

so anyway....thats my story about the Ex. and yes i did meet someone new, but he does support me, he hleps me out anyway i can. he comes to the doc appts with me, he knows hes not the real dad but id radther have him there than the real dad.....

Hope my story is clear now

[Cataholic]

Your story is your story, your business. Hope it wasn't anything I said that made you feel a need to explain. If you say the guy is a jerk, then, he is a jerk, and for now, can sit on the side lines. Doesn't mean he can't have a relationship, shouldn't have a relationship, can't change, won't change. For now, your numbero uno (did I spell that right? LOL) priority is Y.O.U. That is, up until the baby is born. Then, it is B.A.B.Y. Followed by you. Hard to say how a newbie male will fit into all that. If you can make it work, great.

I would stay with your 'rents as long as you can, and just chill out. Time has a way of showing us alot. Good luck, and know that you CAN do this, and WOW what a freaking blessing it is. Even though I have only been a parent 2.75 years ( :rolleyes: ), I can tell you that time has been like no other. I might just about explode when I have ten years under my belt! :p

[Vela]

While being a heavy drinker is not a good thing, you also have to think of the child. Good or bad, this man is the father. That child needs a relationship with its father, unless that man is actually harming the child. No drinking isn't good, but a child needs to know its parents. It can severely mess a child up not knowing who the father is, as they get older. You need to try to have some sort of viable relationship to this person. You liked him enough at one time to get pregnant, so you need to give him a chance to be a father, even if you don't like him. It IS his right, as the father, to have the chance to be one unless he is harming that child. I know you think it's easier and better for you with him gone, but it's not only your choice and it's not only about you now. I think a child also has the right to know who their parents are, even if they aren't good parents, the child should at least know who they are. I am definitely NOT saying this in a rude way at all.

Hopefully in the future you can manage to have civil conversations with the actual father of the child and get along peacefully for that child's sake. It is not okay to cut him out of the child's life because you don't like him. I completely understand about his drinking, but not at least knowing who their real father is and trying to forge some sort of relationship, can really really cause problems for kids as they grow up.

I agree with Johanna's post above too, you and that baby are the #1 priority, but you do need to make allowances for a relationship in the future with the father, if he chooses to want to try to be one.

[angelbow20]

I know how you feel. I was with my sons father for over 3 years, once I got pregnant he wanted me to abort my baby or he would break up with me well I chose to break up and when I was 8 months pregnant we broke up.. He never signed the birth cert. and my son has my last name, However I do let Aidens fathers mom see Aiden and he is aloud if he wants to, even though he barely does spend anytime with him. Take your ex to court for custody, get child support( he cant spend all his money on beer if he has to pay for his child and if he doesnt pay he goes to jail) You will never regret being a mother. My son is 3 yrs old now and I dont make much money at all but I live with my parents and that helps alot until I really get on my feet with being a young single mom. I admit its hard sometimes and I still want to cry sometimes but I know it will get easier and I love watching him grow to an amazing little boy. Also I forgot to add you can go to court to let his father get visitation rights but you can be with the baby when he see's the baby that way he is supervised at all times.

[Catty1]

that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping)

Vela, the above indicates to me that certainly emotional harm would be done...his daughter might be used to this, but it will stay with her in a bad way...at 6 years old, that would be scary. Of course, we are not talking overnight visits with the unborn one.

If the dad can have sober visits in the future, that is one thing. I think maybe the grandfather has custody of the daughter?

Yes, a child may well have a right to know who their parent is...but that parent has to earn a bit of that priviledge.

JMO

[Vela]

I don't disagree with you that seeing those things could be harmful, but she is trying to write this guy out of the book right now, and he does deserve at least a chance to try to grow up and be a father to this baby. I would never suggest sending a child over to stay with someone who is drunk, etc., but she basically wants him to disappear and that's not the right thing to do either. It's a sticky ugly mess actually, it can't be cleaned up easily by just wanting the guy to go away, especially not if he WANTS to be a father to this baby. She needs to go to court, get child support etc., and then they can go to court to see about visitation. I didn't see my father for 17 years, after he left when I was 8, and that was very damaging to me, even though he isn't a great father or any knd of father to me at this point, I never speak to him. But I needed to know who he was at the very least. Every child needs to know that so she can't just make the decision for herself because she doesn't like the guy. That's all I was trying to point out.

[racing_gurl07]

There is no way in heck i can maintain a relationship with this babys father. He wont even talk to me now, i try and call him to talk about our money situation that we have to get straighted out, but he wont talk to me. Is not that i dont want this child to have a father but he has a serious problem that he has to fix before anything else happens. he is drunk around his 6 year old! hes not getting visitation rights until he goes to AA and sobers up or something. I am doing what is best for this child, I dont want their father to see them and take care of them when they are completely drunk. And drinking isnt his only problem...he has another but i dont want to go into that. I know what is best for my life and this childs life and it doesnt involved their father. And...if he didnt have serious life threating problems yes he would in in this childs life even if i didnt like him....

[sparks19]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby :( So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?


Great Post Jen.....

My brother and his wife have FOUR children. They have a VERY modest income and live in a very tiny and very modest home. My sister in Law works during the day and my brother works during the afternoons. They almost NEVER have time together..... it's mostly about making money to survive and raise their kids. They don't have all the fancy trimmings, Three of the kids share a room right now while the baby has it's own nursery.

BUT..... they are one of the greatest families I have ever known. Those kids are so loving, helpful, and happy. Is it hard for the parents? You bet it is. But is life ever easy for any parent? They don't have top of the line clothes..... they don't have the best of the best. But they have A LOT of love. They are such an inspiring family and I hate to think that they would have given up those wonderful children just because they didn't make the big bucks. I don't think those kids could have found a greater home than the one they were born into. Those parents work so hard everyday to give those kids a great life... even if they don't have the MONEY to "buy their love"

My mom was also a single parent when she had my brother..... and her and my father ended up divorced when I was only a couple years old.... so she was basically a single mother then as well. She did not EVER ask my father for child support.... mostly because he was still very much in my life..... I am so glad she did not decide to give me or my brother up for adoption just because she didn't have a brand new vehicle or didn't have a phat bank account.

I find it very sad that anyone thinks money makes a good home for a child and if you don't have the big bucks you should give up YOUR child. That child is not missing out because you can't afford the latest video games or have the best vehicle on the road. That child is only missing out if you are not able to give the LOVE you should be giving. THAT is what makes a great parent.

Of course, I am not a parent yet technically so I guess my uninformed opinion doesn't matter.

Marigold, are you saying that if you had a chance to raise your kids all over again as a single parent you would give them up for adoption because it wasn't all sunshine and roses?

[racing_gurl07]

Dont get me wrong...I would love to see T in this babys life...he does great with his 6 year old daughter, but i just want people to understand that a baby cant be around somenoe who drinks. and if and when he sobers up, he then can ahve visitation rights like he has with his daughter. But it would be for the court to decide. I just hope he can get some help for his problems

[sparks19]

Dont get me wrong...I would love to see T in this babys life...he does great with his 6 year old daughter, but i just want people to understand that a baby cant be around somenoe who drinks. and if and when he sobers up, he then can ahve visitation rights like he has with his daughter. But it would be for the court to decide. I just hope he can get some help for his problems

Hey I don't blame you. I would not want someone like that around my child either... father or not. And if he won't change for that baby that just shows you how deep his problem is. He has to make the decision to get help and until he does I do not blame you one bit for not wanting him around that baby.

But it sure says a lot about you that you are willing to take on this endeavour even without him. You are a very strong woman and it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing :D

[Cataholic]

What money situation do you "have" to get straightened out? Why would you maintain ANY relationship with a man that does all these bad things? It is WAY to mama drama sounding to me. Way.

The father has no "rights" until the baby is born. Let. it. go. IF he chooses to do something after the birth, great. Worry about it then.

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

I have no intention of Jonah "knowing" his father. Now, that might change, since I can't control the father's actions, but, *I* won't initiate the call. Do I think my son will suffer? No. It is all in the manner it is explained, dealt with, and even then, it could just be the child is bound to have issues over something with or without 'knowing' his parent. Many a child has issues, and knows both parents inside and out.

The law provides a mechanism for paternity, and relationships between parent and child. It takes two to tango, and if someone wants to establish their rights, do it. Don't blame the person left holding the baby for NOT doing something.

[racing_gurl07]

well the money thing....we are in some debt now...but im only paying my half...im having the banks work it out...my parents said they will help me as much as they can so i dont have to worry about it.

but anyway....I really hope T can straighted out..if he loves this child like he says he does already, he will. But right now like you said, dont worry about him. If he wants to be in this childs life he will when the child is born.

[Vela]

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

Adopted children often have emotional issues BECAUSE they were adopted. It does not mean they didn't have a good life, and I never said this child wouldn't have a good life, but I still beleive that it is still important, when it is possible, for the child to at least know their parents. Many adopted children, many, look for their birth parents when they ar older.

If a child loses a parent to death, that is not something that can be helped, but you darn bet it causes all sorts of emotional trauma.

If parents divorce, and one parent disappears, you bet it causes emotional trauma and issues as the kids get older, especially once they enter school.

I would never tell "only someone who wants the baby's father gone" that a child ought to know who its parents are. I would say that for anyone, that ONLY whenever possible, that child know who its parents are, and if possible have some sort of relationship with said parent, as long as the parent is responsible enough to see that child. I don't lay it only on the "one stuck holding the baby". Not at all. But in her very first post she said she just wanted him not to be involved at all. That has since changed in her later posts, she did say she wanted him to be involved IF he could be sober and straighten out, and I agree with that 100%. I wouldn't want my child around a drunk person either. But that isn't what she said at first and I was only responding to the original post because she hadn't stated that she did want him to be involved if he straightened up when I posted.

I stand by my opinion, which is all it is, that a child does need to know who both of its parents are, and if possible have a relationship with both parents, becuse it does leave a big hole as that child grows up and becomes an adult. If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

I also never said children don't have emotional issues even if they know and have relationships with both parents, but that isn't really relevant, because I was only speaking about the emotional issues that arise from not knowing them. Things like this are always on a case to case basis, you have to take everything into account. Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.



Racing-gurl, I sincerely hope that after your baby is born he straigthens up and stops being a jerk so he can be involved in your child's life. If he doesn't, and continues to be the way he is now, then I don't blame you for not wanting him around. Just don't close the door completely on the possibility that some day your child might want to find him, and maybe someday he will grow up out of what he is doing now and actually be able to be a father. I do hope it all works out for the best.

[Cataholic]

If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.




Working backwards, I don't think we should ever 'close the door' on something like this, because, we don't know. We change, other people change, situations change. We can only say what we think/feel now, and live the life we live.

I get all riled up when someone starts the "a baby has to know..." as that simply isn't so. I could marry someone tomorrow (okay, pick yourself up off the floor now, people) and I don't think Jonah would 'suffer' one iota. As it stands now, I don't believe he would suffer one iota. A strong, loving home is what is important, not what the home consists of, people wise.

And, I do agree with you that people seem to have issues with the lack of parental involvment. I find it usually stems from some partial involvement, and then abandonment, or, from some woman (usually) trying to cram paternity down some man's throat, and surprise, surprise, the man (or, whatever we might term him) reacts poorly.

Walking away from a bad situation can be alot less stressful than 'bucking up.'

[Alysser]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

This is your idea of a loving home? A home is somewhere where you get love, support, comfort, etc. If she can support the baby, then she can, it doesn't have to be the most fancy stuff and it doesn't have to ALWAYS involve money. Sure that is a huge factor, but I know plenty of examples of people who aren't the richest and they are always the most happy in the end. Just because you can't always provide the best, it doesn't make you a bad parents. I can't believe adoption was even suggested... :eek:


By the way, do you think every single mother or middle class-lower class family should put their kids up for adoption? If we all lived by your standards no one would have kids.

[Maresche]

My opinion on the "missing parent" issue is children will only look for a missing parent if there is a parent missing. If a single mom or dad is enough of a parent to account for a mom and dad (and most, in my experience, are) then the child won't feel there is a void and won't feel a need to fill it. If the single parent isn't enough and there isn't a grandparent/aunt/uncle/family friend whatever, to pick up the slack, then they child will go looking for what is missing.

My experience--My folks divorced when I was very young. My Mom is one hell of a Mom and we never wanted for anything important. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years. Since my daughter's birth, my father has wanted to get involved in our lives again and honestly, I don't want him there. I don't feel a void in my life of having him not play a role in it so now he is extraneous to my life. In fact, the worst times in my life are when my Mom thought she should provide us with a Dad, not with someone who made her happy.

[sparks19]

By the way, do you think every single mother or middle class-lower class family should put their kids up for adoption? If we all lived by your standards no one would have kids.

Nor would half of the families looking to adopt. Many people looking to adopt live very modest exsistences. So by those standards they would not qualify to have those children.

[carole]

Maresche you made a very good point and i have to agree,. my son has never wanted to look up his biological father,i was both parents for over ten years and then my husband took over the role of dad, and has been ever since, as far as he is concerned he was the one who helped looked after him when he was sick,fed and clothed him, read him bedtime stories, scolded him when needed,et etc, that is what makes a real father for sure.

The only point i would raise is that no matter what ,they do feel abandoned by the other parent, no matter what the reasons maybe and that if they ever see that parent they feel they are owed something by them,it might even be financial, well that is what the counsellors tell me anyhow, and i tend to believe that.,but that is merely my opinion, and in my son's case is how he feels, each child is different i suppose.

You may indeed choose for your child's father to be in their life, if and when he cleans up his act and becomes responsible,until then i think you are making the right choices and your new partner sounds terrific, i hope it really does turn into a long time commitment if that is what you are seeking.

[Marigold2]

Seems like I am under attack here for my opinion.

First off I never said anyone needed a luxury car, I said a SAFE car. Every child deserves a safe car to ride in.
Every child deserves a clean and safe home without gun fire, drug dealers and crime outside their front door.
Every child deserves to be able to go outside and play without mom worried about them being shot, raped or beaten.
Every child deserves good meals.
Every child deserves good medical care. Braces are not a luxury they are a necessity often for the good health and growth of the mouth, teeth and gums.
It goes without saying that every child deserves love, understanding, compassion and laughter. That's why I didn't mention it. I didn't think I needed to state the incredibly obvious, just the merely obvious.

The reason I brought up adoption is because I think it is a wonderful, unselfish, and very brave thing to do. The baby is in a good home, the adoptive couple gets to love a child they want ever so much and might not ever be able to have, and a young woman can go on with her life.
Adoption is not an ugly word.

Not every 15 year old has a supportive family that will help her to raise her child. Many a 15 year got this way because they were neglected, abused, or just in the way, many a 15 year old is being brought up by a drug addicted parent. I have heard these girls say when asked, "why do you want a baby at 13,14 15 and their reply was " I want someone to love me". They just want someone to love them and no one does. They are crying out for love themselves and for them to try and be a parent is horrible for all involved. They have no decent role models, no support, no help, no education or money and sadly most have no hope. Adoption is a blessing in these cases.

No you don't need money to be happy. But it helps. No parent wants to lay awake at night and worry how they are going to pay for food, water, rent and shoes. No decent parent wants to raise their child in provety. Love only goes so far when you are standing out in the street corner in the freezing rain with no where to go and a two year old on your arm.

How many grown woman would say "Yes I am glad I got knocked up at 15"
No one would say that, no one. Adoption is a lovely chance for all.

Yes many of you might have been raised by single moms in loving homes, but if you ask your mom if she would do things differently I am sure she would say "yes" No one wants to be poor and having a child at a young age without an education almost makes that a promise.

And no I am not angry or bitter. I am just surprised that more of you would rather see a child starve in the projects then be adopted.

[sparks19]

Marigold..... why is it you think the poster is living in poverty and is just some 15 year old looking for someone to love them?

if you don't.... then I fail to see how your point is relevant. I just think it is silly that you mention adoption just because she is having issues with the father. Sure my mom may have chosen a different path for herself.... but I think if she went back and the same thing happened.... I doubt she would give me or my brother up just because it was hard for a while. And NO braces are not a nessecity. I had braces.... were my teeth healthy other than being crooked? yes they were.... was I able to eat, talk and function? yes I was.

If you could go back in time would you give your children up for adoption instead of having the wonderful children you have today?

[Twisterdog]

How many grown woman would say "Yes I am glad I got knocked up at 15"
No one would say that, no one. Adoption is a lovely chance for all.

Yes many of you might have been raised by single moms in loving homes, but if you ask your mom if she would do things differently I am sure she would say "yes" No one wants to be poor and having a child at a young age without an education almost makes that a promise.

And no I am not angry or bitter. I am just surprised that more of you would rather see a child starve in the projects then be adopted.

You cannot be serious. I know MANY women ... my friends, relatives, customers ... who are most definately not only glad, but blessed, elated and overjoyed every day of their lives that they got "knocked up" at fifteen, sixteen, twenty, whatever. Because that is their CHILD. I am absolutely 100% glad to have been "knocked up" at twenty-two, as a single parent. My son is without a doubt the most wonderful thing to ever happen in my life. My best friend, who was "knocked up" at sixteen would tell you her beautiful daughter was the best thing that ever happened to her.

And as a single mom for fifteen years I can tell you without a single doubt that NO, I would NOT do anything differently. You are so "sure" of what every single mother would say, are you? You are very, very wrong. How do you presume to speak for an entire segment of the population?

I'm quite sure, of the millions of babies born to single parents, that actually a very tiny percentage of them are actually "starving in the ghetto." That's a bit dramatic, eh? I highly doubt racing_gurl07's baby is going to be starving in a ghetto.

[catnapper]

Oh my Marigold, you say you're not bitter but you sure sound it!

My mom will sing to the heavens that she was thrilled to be knocked up at 19. Her children are what makes her life worthwhile and complete. Are you going to say my mom is missing out on something greater because of that? Are you suggesting I am a lacking person because we didn't always have 3-course meals growing up? Or that we had a true clunker of a car? Or that we were just seconds from the city with its gangs and drugs? I played outside. I thought it was SO COOL to get free food with our food stamps... I had no idea it was something to be ashamed of. I remember my childhood as being perfect. It was far from perfect but mom and grandmom made me feel so safe and loved that I never noticed the imperfections outside my front door.

If my mom stayed with my father, we would have had a "wealthy" life. Instead she packed her bags and returned home with my grandmom and all 4 of us lived together helping each other out, much like I'm not doing for my own daughter. Is it hard? you bet! Is it worth it? A million times over. That little boy is such a pleasure and joy I can't describe it. and I am determined to show him the same level of love and acceptance I had. He doesn't need to know we have gangs a block away. We'll hide all the unpleasantries from him and make sure he only knows what love is and how safe he feels inside our family.

My husband teaches in an inner city school. Most of them are 10 times poorer than we are, yet they all are beautifully cared for. They all get better food than my kids do because of free lunches and food stamps. They all get better healthcare (including those precious braces!) because they are all on state health insurance. Finances don't determine whether you're fit to be a parent.... if family can't step up to help raise a child, then the state will. There's no sin in accepting help.

I feel sorry for the women who think its some perverse form of pride to refuse help. Thats what its there for! Whether the help comes from a family member, friend, the father, or state aid, its help and a child needs it. The only sin of accepting help is to become complacent and not move forward to better your situation for yourself and your child. Its not impossible to go to school, work, and raise a child all at the same time. Its HARD and stressful, but the payoff in a few years will blow your mind.

[lizbud]

Not every 15 year old has a supportive family that will help her to raise her child. Many a 15 year got this way because they were neglected, abused, or just in the way, many a 15 year old is being brought up by a drug addicted parent. I have heard these girls say when asked, "why do you want a baby at 13,14 15 and their reply was " I want someone to love me". They just want someone to love them and no one does. They are crying out for love themselves and for them to try and be a parent is horrible for all involved. They have no decent role models, no support, no help, no education or money and sadly most have no hope. Adoption is a blessing in these cases.

No you don't need money to be happy. But it helps. No parent wants to lay awake at night and worry how they are going to pay for food, water, rent and shoes. No decent parent wants to raise their child in provety. Love only goes so far when you are standing out in the street corner in the freezing rain with no where to go and a two year old on your arm.

How many grown woman would say "Yes I am glad I got knocked up at 15"
No one would say that, no one. Adoption is a lovely chance for all.

Yes many of you might have been raised by single moms in loving homes, but if you ask your mom if she would do things differently I am sure she would say "yes" No one wants to be poor and having a child at a young age without an education almost makes that a promise.




Although I've never faced trying to raise a child alone, I do see the
sense in what you are saying. For what it's worth, I agree with you. :)

[Cataholic]

Let me ask myself your question- Self, would you do anything differently?

Self answers, nope. He is my pride and joy, and I can say my only regret is not doing it sooner. I would have known the happiness alot earlier that way.

You cannot know every single woman's heart.

[moosmom]

ANYONE can be a father. It takes a very special man to be a "Dad".

[Pembroke_Corgi]

First off I never said anyone needed a luxury car, I said a SAFE car. Every child deserves a safe car to ride in.
Every child deserves a clean and safe home without gun fire, drug dealers and crime outside their front door.
Every child deserves to be able to go outside and play without mom worried about them being shot, raped or beaten.
Every child deserves good meals.
Every child deserves good medical care. Braces are not a luxury they are a necessity often for the good health and growth of the mouth, teeth and gums.
It goes without saying that every child deserves love, understanding, compassion and laughter. That's why I didn't mention it. I didn't think I needed to state the incredibly obvious, just the merely obvious.

The reason I brought up adoption is because I think it is a wonderful, unselfish, and very brave thing to do. The baby is in a good home, the adoptive couple gets to love a child they want ever so much and might not ever be able to have, and a young woman can go on with her life.
Adoption is not an ugly word.

Yes, children should have these things. But, assuming that someone (who you have never met) will be unable to provide these things is incredibly arrogant. I find it amazing that you are so willing to hand out judgment and suggest a life-altering course to someone you will most likely never meet.

[Hellow]

I need to vent, sorry in advance.

But I AM being raised about 5min away from a city, I eat chicken and potatoes for dinner, I need braces, i am trying to work to make mony to pay off a two month old vet bill, my dad has to pay for $100 for meds for my mom's seizures. I live in a small trashy house. My dad makes $10 an hour working at a car lot. My family rides in a old trashy Aerostar that could fail at any time. My computer is trash, i am on my bosses computer. I may not have the best stuff, but at least its stuff. And is my family giving up? HELL NO! As long as im livin and my family is livin, nothings wrong.

Sorry everyone, but i had to vent before i shouted it out loud.

[sasvermont]

This topic is a hot one for sure.

I can only say that I wish more people would have protected sex and not create as many problems for themselves.

What were they thinking when they were locking lips with some creep and now they are "with child"? What's wrong with this picture?

I have friends (single parents) and they are for the most part, doing just fine, but they have good jobs and supportive families and have thought through the rearing aspect of having a child or three.

It makes my head hurt to hear the struggles left with the men and women after having created a love child, if you will, for the sake of using birth control.

These situations usually take on a life of their own and all works out. Unfortunately, the children are the ones taking the brunt of it all, if it all falls apart.

Let me to take some more Tylenol for my head.

I love kids too much to create them and not have the means to support them etc. and to create them without fore thought.

(((((((((((((((((kids)))))))))))))))))))

[sandragonfly]

vela, I can feel you, parental damage - it took me a while to deal with this trauma. it's normal to feel that way afterall I didn't had parents, but it's better than living with a drunk father every night. safer and stronger. like I am today. that all will be up to the child later as well too.

I didn't had a mother.. I didn't had a father.. 16 years out of 20 and I don't care for them anymore now. why? if you ask because they never were my 'parents' like they were suppose to be. plus, because of the 'mother' and 'father' who I had taught me love. it's all about love and respect, not biography, violence or money. racing girl, it could be this, your new boyfriend who wants to be a father - not having the same DNA does not necessarily means the child is or will be disorder in any way, emotional, finanically or mental.

the day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes
an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.

that being said, and if the child in a later age doesn't understand that it was best s/he grows/grew up without a biography father, and with racing girl's love shown here, s/he will have the help s/he needs. on other hand, it also really depends on adoptive parents as well. and by the way, I don't think racing girl is shutting him out completely, just holding the door for now for how he's around his six year old daughter still.

marigold, I can agree with you on some of parts but I am not sure why you think those mothers are like her..

racing girl, I applaud you on this decision, and safety of the newborn baby - I would do the same, definitely. I am sorry he acts like this at stake and hopefully he will be father enough soon so the child even can have a better life. and a lot stress off you too. stay on strong and safe.. wishing all best for you and the baby. how is that exciting?? :) do you know the gender or desire name yet?

obviously, I'm not the mother yet so I don't know what month they can tell you the sex. :o

[Marigold2]

I totally agree. I also loved my children too much to have raised them in poverty. Kids deserve better.
This topic is a hot one for sure.

I can only say that I wish more people would have protected sex and not create as many problems for themselves.

What were they thinking when they were locking lips with some creep and now they are "with child"? What's wrong with this picture?

I have friends (single parents) and they are for the most part, doing just fine, but they have good jobs and supportive families and have thought through the rearing aspect of having a child or three.

It makes my head hurt to hear the struggles left with the men and women after having created a love child, if you will, for the sake of using birth control.

These situations usually take on a life of their own and all works out. Unfortunately, the children are the ones taking the brunt of it all, if it all falls apart.

Let me to take some more Tylenol for my head.

I love kids too much to create them and not have the means to support them etc. and to create them without fore thought.

(((((((((((((((((kids)))))))))))))))))))

[sparks19]

I totally agree. I also loved my children too much to have raised them in poverty. Kids deserve better.

But why OH Why do you think this child is going to be raised in poverty.... Of course no child should be raised on the street or in a shack.... but I am not sure WHERE you get the idea that this child is going to be raised in poverty and not be provided the nessecities of life.

I don't think anyone is disputing the fact that a child should not be raised in a home that cannot feed it or cloth it or keep a roof over the childs head.... but WHERE do you get that THIS is the case in this situation? You see the reason people are questioning your viewpoint is because your accusations that this child will not be cared for are totally baseless. There has been nothing to indicate this child will not have the care and love it needs to thrive and be happy.... In FACT I think this thread shows this child is indeed in loving caring hands that would not put the child in that position.

[Catty1]

I think the point raised - which slightly distracted the thread - is that there are thoughtless men and women who don't take measures to prevent pregnancy (I still recall the letter to Dear Abby YEARS ago where this woman was going to have sex with her boyfriend, but didn't want to ask him to share the cost of birth control because she thought she didn't know him well enough :rolleyes: ). Even so, birth control can fail.

In a perfect world, every couple - married or not, old or young - would talk out and plan what to do in the event of a pregnancy. Most don't. And this has been a fact of human life for centuries.

As John Lennon said: "All of us were born out of a bottle of whiskey on Saturday night." (Okay, he was a tad cynical ;) )

Now, back to the original poster here. She has support, financial and otherwise. I agree she needs to focus on her health and life with the baby on the way, and not worry too much about her present relationship with this wonderful guy. Friends are great to have right now, but she will have another major full-time relationship in a few months! :)

JMO. Let's give her some support here, ok?

[Marigold2]

I long ago stopped talking about any one member here. I was speaking in general about 15 year olds, which does not even apply to this PT member. As far as I know this young woman has family and friends to help. She is older and in school.

Again Sparks the merely obvious was what I stated but for you the incredibly obvious is needed.

[Catty1]

I agree, Marigold, so referred to the many people who do this, and don't have even basic support for the baby.

Racing Gurl, I hope you don't feel that you personally were being bashed. This kinda wound up being two topics in one thread.

hugs!

[Marigold2]

I agree, Marigold, so referred to the many people who do this, and don't have even basic support for the baby.

Racing Gurl, I hope you don't feel that you personally were being bashed. This kinda wound up being two topics in one thread.

hugs!

Dear Racing, Yes please except my my heartfelt apology if anything I said here hurt your feeling. My first post referred to you to consider adoption, all later posts where generic. If my daughter who is 20 was in your situation I would also talk to her about adoption. She has no desire or want of a child right now, she is too busy being 20, buying the latest nail polish, new in purse, going to the movies, going out to eat, going to get her hair down, travling, having dinner parties and working on her career. She is young, single and free and living it up. A baby would not be wanted or needed by her. She wants to focus on herself and frankly I think that is great. Plus she gets to keep her cute figure. Smart girl.
Your feelings are your own, as is this decision. I wish you the very best of luck and much happiness.
My posts were aimed at America in general and young woman in general.
At least here in america we can choose, we have a voice and we alone can decide to keep our child. Each woman has to live with that decision and hopefully she never regrets it. I have not regreted mine. My only hope is that fewer 15 year olds have to make that decision.

[lizbud]

Again Sparks the merely obvious was what I stated but for you the incredibly obvious is needed.


LOL :D :D


I thought everyone was expressing their views on single moms in general.
It would be very hard to give advice (except law ) to someone you didn't
know personally.

[sparks19]

I long ago stopped talking about any one member here. I was speaking in general about 15 year olds, which does not even apply to this PT member. As far as I know this young woman has family and friends to help. She is older and in school.

Again Sparks the merely obvious was what I stated but for you the incredibly obvious is needed.


LOL .... nice snarky comment there ;)

You started out with how she should adopt.... then went on to explain that those who live in poverty should give their kids a better life..... how that applied to this thread I have no idea. forgive me for needing the obvious stated.... but I was not the only one that felt you were assuming this member was not capable of raising her own child.... afterall you stated she should adopt out and then stated reason for adoption is poverty and being a child and having "better things to do" than raise your child.

had you started out saying that those who are in extreme poverty and cannot provide the nessecities of life were the ones who should adopt out (instead of saying it in direct relation to the OP).... perhaps you wouldn't have gotten the reaction from everyone that you did.