When to leave an abusive husband?

[M&M's Mommy]

My girlfriend came to stay a night with us yesterday after she had a big fight with her husband, and he turned abusive. :( (He yelled & cursed at her, then punched her arms).

I know her & her husband for a long time. They are both very good friends of ours (we often went on vacations together). Her husband is not a bad man, he's just a man with VERY hot tempers. Normally when he's not angry, he's a nice & hardworking man who adores his wife & loves his family, but according to her, when he's in rage, he could kill her.

She was telling me through her tears that she still love him very much, and believes that he is a good man at heart. He just lost his temper, and that tomorrow will be a better day. Whatever made him anger will be gone, he'll be back to normal, she will forgive him, and they will be happy again.

After our talks, she went on to sleep, but I couldn't sleep the whole night. I cannot help but wonder what it were like to be in her situation, and if it's possible for them to ever be happy as before again, and when is enough is enough? When should a person leave an abusive situation? Can & will her husband change or next time, his rage will accelerate (sp?) to something bigger, and more harmful to her?

This morning, she left for work from my place without stopping by her home. I assumed her husband would call me to ask for her whereabout (at least I hope he'd do so, since his wife went missing since yesterday night), but he hadn't call yet. :mad:

Thanks for listening to my vent. I feel so sad for my friend & for me, too. I feel like I just lost a friend (her husband) because I don't think I could think of him as a nice person & respect him like before anymore. :(

[Karen]

They both need counseling, now. Is there a trusted clergy-person you could turn to, or some other professional who could point them in the right direction? The situation will only escalate if nothing is done. He needs to learn to deal with his anger in a non-abusive way, and she needs to learn when to leave, before she gets hurt.

[Catsnclay]

You ask when is enough, enough?????

That is a very good question, enough is when the person who is being abused has had their fill of being abused. Although a good nudge by a family member or friend does help.

Can or will her husband change? Sure, but they usually go back to the abusive ways after awhile. Why?? Because they know they can.

My parents stayed in an abusive relationship for 48 years before divorcing. Wow you say?! YES, but their reasons for staying together were laughable. They had every excuse in the book, but they really didn't know how to be on their own, until now, and you know what?....they like their lives now!

In this situation they both were abusers, she would nag until it pissed him off, in turn he would lash out, and that was the attention she wanted.....sick, huh?!

The only way to stop the abuse is to get away from it.

Yes, you will be helping your friend, but just be warned, this could also turn against you. Her husband could easily make up with her and then turn her against you.

So my advice to you is be there for your friend, but SHE is the one with the decisions.......becareful what you say to her, even though it is they truth!

Good luck!

[sparks19]

You ask when is enough, enough?????

That is a very good question, enough is when the person who is being abused has had their fill of being abused. Although a good nudge by a family member or friend does help.

Can or will her husband change? Sure, but they usually go back to the abusive ways after awhile. Why?? Because they know they can.

My parents stayed in an abusive relationship for 48 years before divorcing. Wow you say?! YES, but their reasons for staying together were laughable. They had every excuse in the book, but they really didn't know how to be on their own, until now, and you know what?....they like their lives now!

In this situation they both were abusers, she would nag until it pissed him off, in turn he would lash out, and that was the attention she wanted.....sick, huh?!

The only way to stop the abuse is to get away from it.

Yes, you will be helping your friend, but just be warned, this could also turn against you. Her husband could easily make up with her and then turn her against you.

So my advice to you is be there for your friend, but SHE is the one with the decisions.......becareful what you say to her, even though it is they truth!

Good luck!


Very good post. It is true.... you cannot tell someone they are being abused. You can be there for her but in all reality she will see the situation the way she wants to. if she truly believes he will change and it won't happen again.... you won't change her mind and if you push too hard she will start to push you away or as mentioned he will alienate her and convince her you are in the wrong.

it is a very touchy situation and I always wondered how someone could possibly stay in a situation like that and not see what is being done to them.... after being in a abusive relationship (not physically but verbally and emotionally) you don't really KNOW it's happening.... they brainwash you to believe it is your fault.... and you believe them.

So just be there for her and gently alert her to what is going on but ultimately she has to wake up and see the light in her own mind.

[dukedogsmom]

I disagree with counseling. If she doesn't leave him, she'll more than likely end up another abuse statistic. But, until she's had enough, she won't leave

[Catty1]

She can love him.

She can hate his behaviour.

She needs to leave yesterday, or he will never have the slightest reason to change.

IT WILL GET WORSE - ABUSE NEVER GETS BETTER!

At least get HER to see a counsellor.

Prayers for her and him...they both need help.

[lizbud]

Verbal abuse is still abuse. Seems the abuse has just been escalated. :(

She should not just let this slide, but She's the one who has to make it
really plain for her husband that it is totally unacceptable. He needs to
get counseling to channel his anger properly. She might love him very much
but she needs to love & respect herself first.

[M&M's Mommy]

.

it is a very touchy situation and I always wondered how someone could possibly stay in a situation like that and not see what is being done to them.... after being in a abusive relationship (not physically but verbally and emotionally) you don't really KNOW it's happening.... they brainwash you to believe it is your fault.... and you believe them.

So just be there for her and gently alert her to what is going on but ultimately she has to wake up and see the light in her own mind.

I think you're right. She kept telling me that had she stop talking back at him & left the room before he could get to the point of hitting her, she could have prevented it from happening. She thinks she must have provoked him somehow, otherwise he wouldn't be hurting her.

[dukedogsmom]

I think you're right. She kept telling me that had she stop talking back at him & left the room before he could get to the point of hitting her, she could have prevented it from happening. She thinks she must have provoked him somehow, otherwise he wouldn't be hurting her.
That is common thinking from battered women, as I understand it. That is incorrect, also. No one can make someone do something else unless it's predisposed in themselves. If she doesn't get out of the relationship, more than likely she'll end up dead.

Quote:
Victims often go through a period of blaming themselves for their partners’ violence. In reality, we are each responsible for our own behavior. In their efforts to avoid responsibility for their actions, batterers can be quite adept at deflecting blame onto the victim, telling her and others how things she did or failed to do “made” him do it. Unfortunately, there are some traditional cultural ideas that support his reasoning and that are still embraced by some members of our society. That such notions exist in the culture at large, makes it easier for the victim to internalize blame and harder to fight the deflection of responsibility, especially when other people echo the batterer’s excuse-making. Besides being illogical and profoundly unfair, victim blaming traps the victim in a cycle in which she keeps trying (and failing) to avoid abuse by satisfying, and even anticipating, the abuser’s every whim and mood. She fails, of course, because only he is responsible for his behavior. End Quote.
From here: http://www.wcwonline.org/joomla/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=622&Itemid=208

[Catsnclay]

She kept telling me that had she stop talking back at him & left the room before he could get to the point of hitting her, she could have prevented it from happening. She thinks she must have provoked him somehow, otherwise he wouldn't be hurting her.


Ah...........the common misconseption of a battered person: "If only I had............"

No matter how hard you try, it will never be good enough for them.

She needs to get out now, and fast.

[Marigold2]

I am sorry to hear of your friends pain. In all my years I have never heard of an abusive husband or wife stopping the abuse. The only way I have ever heard of it ending is one one or both are dead. Lets hope your friends wises up and leaves today.

[king2005]

My dad wasn't always the greatest dad.. when he got mad, he got really mad.. he never hit us, but his yelling was scary...

He didn't know his anger was out of control, until mom kicked him out... He went to the dr. for help & they gave him some meds to calm him down... they worked for a few years, then he started again.. I freaked on him & called him a psycho... He went back to the dr. & has been the bestest dad in the world!!!

Sometimes nice people have something loose in their heads that can be fixed with medication...

Its the people who are always mean are the ones that medication wont help.

Pass this on to her, as it might be the cure to his strange temper.

[crow_noir]

Have they talked? Is he willing to talk?

Can he change? Does he WANT to change? If he does then they need to get to counseling ASAP.

If they can't get through that "flow chart" with all yes answers than she needs to leave.


---
As a former abusee (from my father) I have no pity for the hurt feelings of those. No egg shells. They need a walk up call and for a good friend to be blunt. If they can take the abuse of their spouse they can take a few harsh words from a friend. (This is my own personal feeling on the matter. While what others are right in the possibility of alienating a friend and doing more harm than good, this is the approach I take.)

As an former abuser I know what it's like to want to change. It's a long hard struggle. There is something that separates the type like me though from real abusers... Some of us just have anger issues. We're willing to change. Real abusers are pathological and have control issues. They don't have any desire to change and usually are far too gone to change. What helped me get back to being the kind sweet person i once was? Support from a very loving caring significant other. Together we changed me (when the system failed.) What helped most though was my dedication to becoming a better person.

And again... as an almost former abusee... Sometimes they don't realize they have a problem... Sometimes the stress of their life gets to be way too much with no outlet. S.O. has always been the kindest sweetest guy ever... life caught up to him and with out meaning to he snapped at me and yelled about the tiniest little things. We were getting into fights every ten minutes it seemed like. He picked up an individual sport and he was brand new all over again. It was like he had never been angry. Males NEED physical activity... besides work.

[mina'smomma]

She should be out the door now and he needs to be in counseling. I use to have an anger problem, and counseling was the only thing that helped. I was physically abusive, but I'm ashamed to admit I was verbally. He may be all fine and dandy when he isn't upset, but when he is could do some real damage. The next time he could kill her or someone else. Please encourage them both to seek counseling now.