Is it me???

[moosmom]

One of my best friends from high school is having a yard sale this weekend. She asked me if I wanted to come by after work ande see if there's anything I'd like. I told her I had to work but would be by afterwards. She told me to plan on staying for supper.

She's married and her hubby is not the most friendliest of people. I got there and we chatted for a bit. We went inside to start dinner and were just chatting away. Suddenly, he walked in and said, "Ready??" She asked him what he was talking about. He said, "I'm hungry, let's go, we're going to dinner." Showing him the salad she was preparing, she looked at him and said, "I'm preparing it." He said, "No, we're going out to eat", and walked out of the room.

Well, I was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. Sara was totally mortified, from the look on her face. She apologized and asked me if I wanted to take some salad home. I said no thank you.

I was a little annoyed. No, I was pissed. I always call Sara at work because when she's home, it's like she can't talk because he's there. There's something about him that rubs me the wrong way. He hardly EVER talks to me when I'm there visiting, which isn't too often.

I thought he was VERY rude and insensitive.

So, I went home and made leftovers.

What would YOU have done???

[Catty1]

Recommended a good counsellor for her! Life's too short to be bullied for all of it! :mad: That idiot...

[Cataholic]

Given her the name of a counselor?

[Laura's Babies]

Catty1 wrote

Recommended a good counsellor for her! Life's too short to be bullied for all of it!
She is right 100%!

He probably treats everyone like that so she probably has no friends.... and he would have caused a scene if she had refused to go and she knew it.. You can bet he knew you were invited to stay for dinner too and that is why he did that.

I would let her know I didn't appreciate being put on the spot like that, it is her life and she can live that way if she wants to but please leave you out of being treated like that again! Then add, and I will cook you dinner when you have had enough of that jerk and leave him!

[Edwina's Secretary]

Sorry...I disagree...your friend knows her husband is a jerk. One time I gave a friend my opinion about her husband (and she had asked!) She went back with him and never spoke to me again.

I would decide whether I want to be friends with her in spite of her husband....but I don't offer unsolicited (or solicited) advice to anybody when it comes to relationships. If I decided to continue the friendship it would be non-judgementally.

[kuhio98]

What would YOU have done???Same thing you did. Just leave. This isn't your battle to fight. It is hers. Until she's ready to make a change, there is nothing you can do. But, I would call her later and let her know that if she ever needs someone to talk to, you're there for her.

It sounds like he's so insecure, he's trying to isolate her from others.

[Catty1]

Not only a jerk...but abusive, perhaps?

The 'invisible wounds' they talk about...

Depending on how well you know her, you might meet her for coffee and ask if she is ok...if there is any help she needs. Just offer, and let her decide.

If you can Google a short list of symptoms of an emotionally abusive spouse and the abused one's symptoms...you might just want to hand it to her.

Maybe you'll lose a friendship. But maybe you'll save her life.

This looks good... http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

[wombat2u2004]

Hmmmmm....whilst I feel for your friend, I think his arrogance was aimed at you Moosmom.....sounds like he doesn't want to share his wife with anyone.
I think tho, that you did the best thing by accepting the situation and just going home. We all get our fair share of pigs in life....best just leave them be !!!!
Wom

[dukedogsmom]

I'll bet she's emotionally abused from the sound of it. I've experienced it and it's horrible. They do like to isolate you and it also beats down your self esteem. He might even be physical with her or others. My ex beat on Duke but not me. It was a horrible time in my life. But I also agree that she has to make the decision she's had enough. Until then, you can't help her. It didn't take me long to decide I'd had it. The guy sounds horrible. No wonder you only want to talk to her while she's at work. That's probably the only freedom she has. I was hardly allowed to go anywhere by myself. I hope she decides on a better life soon.

[Kalei]

Wow, I would say a guy like that, the relationship is only to go downhill and end badly. I hope you friend will realize what's going on soon. I feel bad for her.

[wombat2u2004]

Wow, I would say a guy like that, the relationship is only to go downhill and end badly. I hope you friend will realize what's going on soon. I feel bad for her.

Trouble is tho...some women accept that sort of treatment as the norm all of their lives, and they just live with it until it's too late to do anything about it.
My partners ex used to sit on her on the lounge room floor, and methodically pound her face with his fists until she was unconscious....yet she stuck it out for 6 years....thinking that one day maybe it would get better. Also a lot of people (as in my partners case) are of the opinion that once you are married then you stay married......a sorry state of affairs for those who are subjected to abuse....it goes on more than you realise.
Wom

[crow_noir]

I agree... It sounds like she's being abused in one way or the other.

In the second paragraph i was already feeing panicky and felt like crying.

Try to start easing her into conversations about the topic and offering her support. Don't start out by accusing him of being abusive though. They may be too confrontational for now.

I totally disagree with Wombat on this one
We all get our fair share of pigs in life....best just leave them be !!!! Should we all just turn our heads when we see a child with bruises? Should we ignore human trafficking because those women and children obiviously did something to deserve that treatment? Should puppy mills be left to run as the upstanding businesses they claim to be? Should dog fighters be allowed to continue their games they perceive as a fun sport? Should we just let everyone lead their own lives however thy see fit regardless of their actions?

It took 25 years, but with the right support network my Mother finally left my Father. It was some of the best news i EVER heard!

[Freedom]

For the immediate situation, I'd have done similar to you. Bow out gracefully and leave; no point making an issue at that time. But I'd ahve gone out to eat Chinese. (I always eat when I get nervous.)

I think you have some good suggestions in this thread!

[mike001]

Same thing that you did. If your friend brings the matter up at another time you could ask if everything is ok with her. Otherwise I wouldn't embarass her further. Just be there for her. Do some discreet checking for signs of abuse.

[Edwina's Secretary]

I have thought about this all night. There are so many possible reasons this guy was rude to a guest.

- Maybe he had told his wife earlier in the week about an important dinner with his new boss. And she had again ignored him and invited someone over.
- He was fired. He wanted to talk to his wife alone.
- It was the 4th time this week he came home to find someone invited for dinner without telling him.
- They have been fighting all week because of something and inviting people over is her way of not dealing with it.

I think to label him an abuser and her as a helpless thing that needs the name of a good counselor is presumptious.

I've had friends whose husbands/boyfriends didn't like me. And there have been some I didn't like as well (usually the same guys...)

There are three sides to every story (his, hers and the truth)!

[cyber-sibes]

I'd have done what you did, just gone home pissed. ;)
"I'm powerless over people, places, & things", as they say.

[moosmom]

Thanks for all the great advice. I've known Sara for 35 years. I've been there for her through two failed marriages (one to a hopeless drunk). We shared an apartment for about a year when she first met Al. I didn't like him then either.

Sara is a very sensitive person and I see alot of me in her. She is a very quiet, private person. She and Al have been together for 14 years. I thought about saying something to her. But I know her well and I wouldn't want to make her feel any worse than she already did.

She said, "If I said why didn't you tell me?? He'd have said, I'm telling you now." That basically said it all, IMO.

Edwina's Secretary,


Sorry...I disagree...your friend knows her husband is a jerk. One time I gave a friend my opinion about her husband (and she had asked!) She went back with him and never spoke to me again.

My thoughts exactly.

Bottom line is, the guy's an @$$. Would I give up my friendship because of him? Hell no.

[Catty1]

Donna, you're definitely a lifeline for this gal. I hope if and when she leaves him, she will at least read a good book or two (Women Who Love Too Much) or hit some Al-Anon meetings and listen!

Sending prayers out for her - and him, too. People like him are NOT happy!

HUGS

[Pam]

What a sad life this poor woman must lead. I would have done exactly as you did Donna. I am sure she was mortified so I wouldn't bring the subject up again. If she wants to confide in you she will and I know you will be there for her.