Losing my Dude [Archive]

Lizzie

04-10-2007, 04:30 PM

Some of you may remember Dude who had extensive dental surgery a few months ago to remove many roots all through his mouth. (For those that don't remember him, he is an FIV+ cat who had spent most of his life at a no-kill shelter and has severe stomatitis.) Here is the photo I posted at the time:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/Zephryn_2006/IMG_0069-1.jpg

I found out today that he has a tumor in his mouth that cannot be treated. For a while after surgery, we thought we'd cured the stomatitis. When we had to go back to depo shots, we all thought that he had become resistant to the effects of the steroids, which does happen, because the effects lasted a few weeks only instead of a month. Last week we switched to pain meds to hold him over until it was safe to give him another depo shot. Dude has always been impossible to examine without sedation because he lived with an extremely painful mouth at the shelter for years, so our looks into his mouth since surgery have been very brief. After his pain med. on Saturday, I ran my fingers lightly around his mouth to see if it was working well and found a swelling. I thought it was an abcess. On Monday, they did surgery, took some needle aspirates and sent them off to the lab. It could have been a bone infection and we were ready to fight that, or it could be cancer. We lost the toss.

I've had months with Dude that I didn't expect to have when I first adopted him last May, but in those months he became my favorite cat and I am devasted by this dreadful news. I asked the vet to come to my home a week on Friday to euthanize Dude, wanting to spend my two week home vacation with him. Then I realized I was being too selfish and so it will be this Friday. The pain med is very effective and he eats well for hours after it is given, and gives me lots of affection - leaning into my body and gazing up into my face while I'm on the computer. It will take me a long, long time to be able to look down at whichever cat sits in my lap as I type and not expect, and long, to see Dude's face gazing into mine. I will at least be able to give Dude the gift I promised him when I adopted him, that he would die in my arms and not simply be found dead at the shelter.

Freedom

04-10-2007, 04:33 PM

OH Lizzie! You gave this fella such a wonderful gift, a home life he hadn't known in ages, if at all. What a difficult life this boy has had; but made all the better for your love and tender care. God bless!

Queen of Poop

04-10-2007, 04:38 PM

Thank you for giving Dude the love he so richly deserved to have. It is unfortunate that it cannot last longer. But it is now his time to go to the Bridge. He must be needed there. I am sure he will become your champion fur angel for all the love and affection you have shown him. It will be very difficult to let him go, but know that you did your very best for him and that you did make his life much better. Hugs for you both.

Prairie Purrs

04-10-2007, 05:02 PM

I'm so sorry. I wish you could have had more time together--he obviously loves you very much. You gave him a loving home knowing that he might not be with you long, and that was a very brave thing to do.

jennielynn1970

04-10-2007, 05:10 PM

I am so sorry to hear about Dude's tumor, and I know much too well about the loss of a beloved companion. Dude sounds like my RB Bear, rescued from a shelter so that he could live out the rest of his days in peace. He was FIV+ as well, and my biggest love bug, and he was a tuxie as well.

I hope that Dude will find comfort in your arms and that he will have a peaceful journey to the bridge. May he have painfree days and nights until that time. Poor guy. I think the shelter cats deserve to have so much more time than they are given at times. But know that he cherished every moment with you, knowing more love than he did at the shelter. Big hugs to Dude from me, I don't even know him and he's making me cry. You can always PM me if you want to chat... it's so hard to lose one you love.

catmandu

04-10-2007, 05:11 PM

Dudes story reminds me of Tubby 2 . He finally got off the street only to die suddenly about 9 months after.
Dude was such a great Cat and he has his wings and is having a Fantastic Party in his honor at The MGM Grand Hotel Buffet.
Dude loves you so much and certainly appreciated that you gave him all that love and werre there for him when it was time for him to pass on.
Hes making notes at the Rainbow Bridge and will be there to be your guide to so many Tremendous Places when you meet again.
One Fine Day.

Killearn Kitties

04-10-2007, 05:28 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that the news is not better for Dude. What a time that poor old guy has had; but he has known love too. Thank you so much for giving him that.

All my thoughts will be with you.

Randi

04-10-2007, 05:37 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about Dude. :( Although it's very difficult, I think you have the right decision. You have given him the best time he has ever had in his life, and I hope it will be a comfort to you that Dude enjoyed that. Remember the good times and know that Dude will be free of pain.

Gentle kisses to Dude and hugs to you.

Catty1

04-10-2007, 06:46 PM

LES

Poor Dude.

But he will die in the home where he knew love, and not alone and cold.

HUGS to you and that beautiful boy.

momcat

04-10-2007, 06:58 PM

All too often the right decision is the hardest to make. My heart and prayers go out to you at this difficult time. Because of you, Dude knew what it meant to be loved and enjoyed a happy and pampered life. Give him all the love and hugs that you can, Dude knows how very much he's loved.

[[[[[HUGS]]]]]

Laura's Babies

04-10-2007, 07:00 PM

I am typing with a bad case of LES!

Giving him that final gift of holding him as he flies away to the bridge, keeping your promise is the best gift you can give him. I think it will be one of the hardest things any of us ever have to do but in the end, it will also bring us comfort..

All any of us want is to have the ones we love there to see us off on that final journey.

Medusa

04-10-2007, 07:02 PM

I wish I could take the pain away, from Dude and from your heart. I know how it's aching right now. Thank you so much for being there for Dude and giving him much needed love and attention. And thank you, too, for being there w/him when he crosses over the bridge while you hold him and tell him how loved and beloved he is. I'm so sorry.

jenluckenbach

04-10-2007, 07:54 PM

This is so sad. :( I too wish there was a ay to take away the pain. But Dude is blessed to have YOU.

AbbyMom

04-10-2007, 08:01 PM

I'm so sorry. Thank you for giving him the love he deserves and then giving him the final gift.

It's so hard....LES

slick

04-10-2007, 08:05 PM

I'm so very sorry Lizzie. This must be so heartbreaking for you. God bless you for taking in this precious baby. He knew love and he will carry that with him to the RB.

{{{hugs}}}

phesina

04-10-2007, 08:23 PM

I am so very, very sorry. This is so sad. What a beautiful cat.

You and he have given each other your hearts and all your love, and that will never be lost.

My deepest sympathy.

Love and hugs (very gentle ones for Duke),
Pat

Lizzie

04-10-2007, 08:45 PM

Thank you for your responses, everyone, it does help.

I may have to take Dude in to the vet even earlier than I thought. He's not in any apparent pain, he's not hiding, but neither is he eating or wanting to sit with me any more. He's just lying quietly on the bed with his eyes open. As with many cats in this stage of their lives, he seems to be turning inward. Except for the drool and his tongue sticking out a little, he looks totally healthy. He's still a good weight, his coat gleams, and somehow that makes it all harder.

When I brought him home from the vet yesterday, he was still pretty woozy. They'd given the sedative intramuscularly instead of iv so they wouldn't have to hold his head and cause him pain. That made it last longer. But the moment he staggered out of his carrier, he bee-lined to the bowl of dry food and plunged his head right in. As I took it away from him, he reached out a paw and tried hard to snatch it out of my hand. I checked with the vet and was allowed to give him small amounts of wet food, so he kept eating and eating all evening. Then he snuggled on my lap for some time, purring away. That's why I thought he could keep going comfortably for a few weeks.

Before this, whenever he received the pain med. he would want to eat within five minutes, so I don't think it's the medication.

This is one of those awful times when you look in your cat's face and beg "please tell me what is going on, tell me what to do."

Catty1

04-10-2007, 10:14 PM

jennielynn1970

04-10-2007, 10:19 PM

Lizzie

04-10-2007, 11:48 PM

Lizzie - I read your last post here - so you mean, even with the pain med, he doesn't want to eat? Sorry if I missed something here.

Unless the biopsy made his mouth a bit sore...

I am glad he had an evening of eating heartily, and enjoying a purring good snuggle with you! "Thank you, Meowmy..."

It's rather a catch 22. The pain meds make it possible for him to eat, and that's how they worked for the first few days until Sunday. Monday, he was full of anesthetic sedation and pain med, and was raring to chow down. However, they can also diminish his appetite which is what appears to be happening now. As I type, he just went over to his food plate for the first time today - but then turned away. I'd assume it's because he associates eating with pain, except that he ate yesterday. That's what I mean about wanting to ask him just what is he feeling - woozy, nauseated, starved, in agony, miserable?

They couldn't do a biopsy because the tumor is in his jaw bone and the bone looked so fragile on the x-ray, they were afraid it would shatter.

I want to have a few more days of him eating as he did last night, cuddling on my lap, but I have a dreadful feeling that isn't going to happen. I'm going to have to accept that there is no more time. Dude really doesn't have anything else good to live for.

Lizzie

04-11-2007, 12:14 AM

I keep thinking about poor Dude... Isn't there anything they can do for him? Is it the tumor that is causing his pain? It just seems so sudden, I guess I'm hoping that there is something that they can do to prolong his life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Dude.

I didn't post about Dude before, when I knew his stomatitis was back and more severe than ever before, with the depo shots barely working on him because I was too upset about it all to post. I simply couldn't share the misery until the ultimate reality hit me hard. The vet said they could try radiation but it was less than 50% effective and a difficult procedure to put any pet through. The thought of Dude having to be handled a lot for the treatment when he screams, and I mean that literally, if I accidentally brush the sleeve of my soft flannel robe against his mouth, and the high probability of it not working is not to be borne. And in the time it would take to get something like that organized, we would have to keep him going by feeding through a sewn-in tube and on constant pain med. Add the fact that his jaw bone looks like lace-work from either the tumor or both the tumor and infection - it's very bad.

Why didn't we see it sooner? It didn't show on the x-rays in January. The symptoms were masked by our being used to Dude having stomatitis and the fact that's it's been impossible for anyone to get near his mouth without sedation for a very long time. And squamous cell carcinoma is fast growing.

Yes, the tumor is causing him great pain. The stomatitis isn't bad at this time. The tumor not only causes a bulge on the outside but is a large lump from his left gum pushing into his tongue inside his mouth.

I'm going to ask the vet if they will give him a depo shot tomorrow morning. That will give him an appetite and make him feel good. If it's possible for them to do it, it will buy me those few days. If they believe it is the wrong thing to do, and he doesn't eat tonight, I am out of options.

kuhio98

04-11-2007, 08:42 AM

Lizzie ~ I am so sorry to hear the news. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

pitc9

04-11-2007, 11:33 AM

I'm so sorry to hear your news.... Dude will love you forever for not letting him pass to the bridge in a cold cage alone.

Anikaca77

04-11-2007, 02:02 PM

Poor Dude. My prays are with you and Dude.

doolittleky

04-11-2007, 04:12 PM

Lizzie, I am so very sorry to hear about Dude. I know how much he means to you and how hard it is to make that decision. He is a beautiful handsome boy and he was lucky to have you to love him the way he deserved to be loved. I am so sad over this. I will be praying for you both.
Melissa

jennielynn1970

04-11-2007, 04:50 PM

Oh Lizzie, I'm so sorry that it has to be that way!

I was caring for a kitty this past summer who had a tumor in his mouth as well. He was one of 12 cats that two little old ladies from NY had moved with them to PA. That in itself was a tragedy in the end, but the kitty, Alexander, was just this poor old soul. He drooled constantly, and I had to add water to the canned food so that it was like soup so he could eat it. He had to be in pain, I don't see how he wasn't, but the old ladies insisted he was fine. He had been all white, but because of the constant drooling, he was all brown/yellow down the front of him, and his skin had become irritated by it, and either the fur came out or he pulled it out. I have no idea which. He looked like hell when he came to me, and looked like hell when I gave him back, although I tried to do whatever I could for him.

He's out of misery now, but he and the 11 other cats died in a fire in the apartment house where the old ladies were living. The one woman died in the fire as well (she refused to leave without the cats), and the other lady died around Christmas, she had extensive burns and was in a coma as well. It was for the best actually, because had she known what had happened to her friend and her cats, she wouldn't have wanted to live.

I pray that you and Dude enjoy your remaining time together. You've given him love and a home and I'm sure he's very appreciative of all you've done for him. Hugs to both of you.

Lizzie

04-11-2007, 06:34 PM

I'm scrambling here to make him comfortable. Last night made me feel much better. He climbed into my lap as I sat in bed watching a movie, the first time he's done that since Monday evening, and purred up a storm, lapping up all the stroking and massaging, loving being stroked with grooming wipes. He got down several times to eat a little and cuddled against my legs all night. It felt really good and I stopped thinking about taking him in early. But today, he's gone back to just lying on the bed, mostly with his eyes open so not really resting, and he's eaten nothing. He also hasn't peed since yesterday morning, so that's once in three days. I just called the vet and I'm taking him in for sub-q fluids in a few minutes so that he's more comfortable. I hate bothering him, but he's going to be dehydrated very soon and feel even worse. Hopefully, that and the steroid shot I gave him earlier and the pain meds I can give at 6:30 will give us an evening like yesterday.

kb2yjx

04-11-2007, 06:52 PM

In one of your posts, you thought that Dude might be withdrawing from you. Our Ralph Syracuse did the same thing as the end drew near.Could it be their way of protecting us from their pain...maybe. This is a difficult time for you and Dude. You both were so lucky to have the time you did and Dude truly knows all the love you have for him. Prayers for you both....

jennielynn1970

04-13-2007, 01:44 PM

I'm afraid to ask.... how is Dude??

Hugs to you and Dude.

Lizzie

04-13-2007, 02:02 PM

Dude is curled up on my bed, quietly asleep. He leaned against me all night, just where he is supposed to be. I'm spending most of the day on the bed with him, watching movies - except that my mind and heart are in so much turmoil that each movie becomes irritating after a short time. For the last few days, even now, I've looked for ways to change things and give him more quality time. But there is no way, and there is no more quality time. After eating a small meal hungrily on Wednesday night, he's shown no interest in food since. Even then he ate because he was starving, but then ran away from the plate probably because it hurt. He doesn't even drink water. I took him in for fluids on Wed. evening. Yesterday, he got up in a window, and several times over the past few days he's trotted out into the main area and wandered around. I think it's a combination of trying to escape the way he feels and trying to go back to his old life. It was hearwrenching to see him try to eat dry food again, which he prefers. I would love, I long for, one more time of his sitting on my lap while I'm on this computer, leaning into my body, I can feel him there as I write. It would be selfish of me to scoop him up now and sit him here, so I'll leave him where he feels most comfortable. By this evening, memories will be all I have, and then next week a box to put on a shelf of boxes with photos.

I always tuck in something special to the cat when I wrap them in their blanket before returning them to the vet, after it's over. I've been reassured that isn't disturbed. Dude didn't like toys that much so I'm cutting off a small lock of my hair to tuck in with him, and some dark red quince blossoms.

Thank you for listening, and understanding why I need to write all this down.

Catty1

04-13-2007, 02:08 PM

LES here.

Hugs, Lizzie - give Dude one for me.

This is the right thing....thank you so much for truly and deeply loving this dear dear boy - he had the very best of his life with you. {{{{hugs}}}}

Stay in touch...we are all here for you.

catlover4ever

04-13-2007, 02:10 PM

I'm so sorry. :( Having been there myself, I know what you are going through and it's never easy. My thoughts and prayers are with you today/tonight and in the coming days.

Randi

04-13-2007, 02:26 PM

Oh Lizzie, it's heartbreaking. :( I hope you can make Dude feel as comfortable as possible and free of pain. He knows he is loved. :)

(((((hugs)))))

jennielynn1970

04-13-2007, 02:38 PM

I'm so sorry Lizzie. I was hoping that no news was good (or better) news.

I hope you will have someone there with you. It's so hard to do these things alone. My vet actually offered to drive me home the last two times because I was alone and was crying so hard. It's just such an emotional decision.

Just wanted to say that there is also a pup on the dog health page, Raven, who is 6mos old and they just found out that she has squamous cell carcinoma in her mouth/jaw. That is heartbreaking as well. They thought maybe it was some benign cyst.... I'm hoping she will be able to have some kind of surgery too. 6 months is awful young :(

Killearn Kitties

04-13-2007, 03:11 PM

Dude's is such a hard story to come to terms with.
All my thoughts are with you.

RedHedd

04-13-2007, 04:12 PM

LES here :( Go in peace, sweet Dude.

kt_luvs_kitties

04-13-2007, 10:10 PM

Lizzie, I am so very sorry about Dude. What a beautiful boy kitty. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that he loves you so much and you love him too. Please call me if you need anything and I am hoping that life takes a good turn for you. I know things have been tough within your family, and one loss after another makes it even harder to understand. I hope that you know that I care about you and am thinking of you as well. HUGS Katie and kitties

RIP Dude. Please play with Chance when you are there. He will greet you with warm kitty kisses...

krazyaboutkatz

04-14-2007, 12:21 AM

Lizzie, I'm so sorry to hear about Dude.:( I hope that you'll be able to make him as comfortable as possible during the time that he has left with you. RIP sweet boy.:(

momcat

04-15-2007, 12:15 PM

Dude has been on my mind these past several days and a special prayer was offered for him in church this morning. How is he doing today?

Catty1

04-15-2007, 01:55 PM

Lizzie posted this on Friday.

I would love, I long for, one more time of his sitting on my lap while I'm on this computer, leaning into my body, I can feel him there as I write. It would be selfish of me to scoop him up now and sit him here, so I'll leave him where he feels most comfortable. By this evening, memories will be all I have, and then next week a box to put on a shelf of boxes with photos.

I always tuck in something special to the cat when I wrap them in their blanket before returning them to the vet, after it's over. I've been reassured that isn't disturbed. Dude didn't like toys that much so I'm cutting off a small lock of my hair to tuck in with him, and some dark red quince blossoms.

LuckyNumber7

04-15-2007, 02:04 PM

Jeez, this post just made me cry. All I can say is that it sounds like you've done the most wonderful thing that Dude could have ever asked for. You gave him many months in a warm, loving home with you, and like you said, he will pass away in the arms of someone who loves him, not in a cage. I'm sure that means the world to him. *hugs*

Lizzie

04-15-2007, 03:19 PM

Thank you so very much, everyone, for your prayers, good wishes and support. It would have been much harder if I hadn't had PT to turn to when I needed to release my feelings. I am going to post about Dude in the memorial forum later but I can let you know now that Dude, as I had hoped, died peacefully in my arms at home on Friday late afternoon. He gave me the most incredible gift in the hour before he had to leave me. After I gave him his last pain med shot at 4pm, he became a little restless and I decided to try scooping him up very gently and putting him on my lap while I sat at the computer table. I thought he would get down, but for that last hour he sat quietly on my lap, leaning into me and purring softly as I stroked his back. He even gave me a few head bumps, two under the bosom (he always was a ladies' man) and one to my head. The vet who came was the partner who is excellent at these times, very soft-spoken, patient and understanding. While Dude lay in my arms after it was over, he told me that his 15-year-old Sharpei (?sp) had died that Monday. We talked for a while about letting go, trying not to be selfish, facing what we have to do, it was a very supportive talk. I spent five minutes with Dude after the vet left, tucking the lock of hair under his front leg and putting the flowers on him, telling him how much he had meant to me. Then I wrapped him in a small red blanket and took him back to the vet.

doolittleky

04-15-2007, 03:25 PM

I think they know how to make us feel better even though they are dying. Animals are so unselfish that way, taking care of us even though they are in pain. Dude had a loving and wonderful life with you and I know he appreciates everything you did for him. It is so hard to let them go. I have had to do it many times and it never gets easier. I still grieve over the babies I have lost and hope to see them all one day when it is my time. Take care of yourself Lizzie, I will be thinking about you. If you need anything just let me know.
Melissa