How Do You Handle This?

[dukedogsmom]

I was recently stabbed in the back by someone I had thought was my friend for years. I'm too trusting a person and this has often come back to haunt me. How do you handle it?

[Karen]

Oh, Val, I am sending you a very big hug.

That's the sad price we pay sometimes, but I'd rather be a trusting person and get hurt sometimes than be suspicious of everyone and always lonely.

Sending you another big hug.

[caseysmom]

You should do whats best for you...forgive and move on...it will be easier on your blood pressure.

You know the saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Just don't trust that person again.

[Marigold2]

Yes Karen is right. I have been hurt like this as well....:( When this happens I think of all the wonderful friends I do have. Don't let one nasty person harden your heart. What makes you trusting is what makes you special.

[Karen]

Oooh, oooh, I thought of a new answer!!!

Give Dasher a great big bellyrub - he'll look so goofy, and be so happy, that you'll feel better about life as well!

[Daisy and Delilah]

I'm sorry, Val. It goes to show you that we don't really know people as well as we think we do sometimes. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[gini]

Funny you should start this thread, Val. I had this happen to me about two years ago. I was floored.........but then I realized that even though I was hurt, part of it was my own fault for not seeing the person as they really were.

Life does go on - and belly rubs for certain dogs - do ease the stress:D

[columbine]

As a card-carrying Lousy Judge of Character, I've been there many times. All you can do is shrug it off, say, "Whoops, I made a really bad mistake for a really long time," and go on. Once you've healed a bit, if you want to you can try to go back through the events that led up to the betrayal to see if you can identify patterns to look out for in the future. But in the end, people are unpredictable. We Earthlings have wildly divergent ideas about what "friend" means, and it's not uncommon to learn that way, way too late. You weren't stupid or in denial - it's just part of the human condition.

Love, Columbine

[SunsetRose]

Awww, I'm so sorry you are going through that. Lots of hugs your way and Rosie sends a big slobbery kiss and a head nudge :)

We've all probably been stabbed in the back at least once in our life. I've been backstabbed more than once and it really is upsetting.

The best thing is just to forgive them and try to move on. You can't go through life refusing to trust somebody because your afraid of being backstabbed. That would be a sad, lonely, miserable life to live. You never realize how many opportunities you miss in life because your too busy being worried about the consequences or to afraid of being hurt again. Somebody wronged you, but you can't let that bring you down.

[wombat2u2004]

I was recently stabbed in the back by someone I had thought was my friend for years. I'm too trusting a person and this has often come back to haunt me. How do you handle it?

How do I handle that ???? Thats simple....I live by the doctrine that there are people worth knowing and people NOT worth knowing.
If I'm stabbed in the back, then I slot that person into the latter catergory, and then they are NEVER allowed back in.
It's a simple rule.....and it works for me.
Wombat

[Rachel]

This is not a wound that heals easily. It does take time but do your best not to let it fester. Whatever you do, don't pick at it. You probably won't and shouldn't forget but do look toward working toforgive. You probably don't want to hear that forgive thing right now and that is to be expected, but when the time is right, it can be the best thing for your own health and welfare.

[Cataholic]

I heard this along time ago, and really try to remember it, especially at a time like you are having now, Val.

The way people act is a reflection of them , not you .

For me, it is easier to recall that sentiment time and again, instead of struggling with, "what did I do wrong, why did they do this to me". There are probably 15 million reasons the person betrayed you that has nothing to do with Valerie. Nothing at all. It has everything to do with where this person was in their life.

Does this help deal with the pain? I dunno. For me, it is far easier to accept that other people are sometimes doing the only thing that they can do, at the time, for their own reasons, and not to take it so personally.

Forgive? Forget? Move on? Get over it? While life is short, so are opportunities to make 'true' friends. So, take some time, examine what happened, didn't happen, and just take some Val time to see how things plan out.

[finn's mom]

Unfortunately, I can 100% relate. And, forgiveness is the only way. It already hurts to have that happen to you, but being unforgiving only hurts YOU. It doesn't really hurt the other person, it just drags you down and holds you back. Forgetting things is oftentimes impossible. But, forgiveness is a gift. I am sorry you're going through this, as I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[moosmom]

I'd rather be a trusting person and get hurt sometimes than be suspicious of everyone and always lonely.

What a great saying! And so true too.

Val,

Don't beat yourself up over it. You're too good a person. I know how you must feel, though. To be betrayed by someone you've been friends with for so long really hurts. Just learn from it and move on. Life to way to short to hold grudges, honey.

((((((HUGS)))))))))

Donna and crew.

[Logan]

We live and learn, don't we? :( I'm sorry you have had such a bad experience, Val. You don't deserve it.

Just know that you will continue to be in my prayers.

Logan

[Jadapit]

I like you am a very trusting person. I have been burned by people more times than I care to count. Its not a fun thing to go through. No one deserves that. I'm sorry this person hurt you. (((Hugs)))

[mike001]

I deal with it exactly like Wombat. There are back stabbers wherever you go, I'm just starting to wise up and be more choosy of who I consider my friends.

[KitCat]

I spend much more time with my family than I used to. As far as friends go, I have almost turned into a hermit! Luckily my kitty is a "good person".

[momoffuzzyfaces]

Gosh, do I know this song by heart. The one who I thought was my best friend from high school, for over 25 years, did the same to me.

Took a while, and a lot of tears, but I finally was able to forgive her. Won't ever forget it but I just found the good things still in my life (like Pet Talk) and hung on to that and let the rest go.
(((HUGS)))

[lizbud]

I spend much more time with my family than I used to. As far as friends go, I have almost turned into a hermit! Luckily my kitty is a "good person".


Yes, and my pups and kitties are good friends too. :) I am a lot like that
too lately. :) Sorry you're going through this now.

p.s. I am a true believer that forgiveness helps the one who does the forgiving.. :)

[dukedogsmom]

Thanks everyone. Lots of good advice here. I agree with Wombat and Mike. Also, I'm going to try to do the forgiveness thing for me. It truly is just hurting me by dwelling on it. Just hard not to, you know?

[wombat2u2004]

You could do what they do in New Zealand.
Cover yourself in tattoos, stick your tongue out at them, and then hit them over the head with a club.
That works sometimes. Carole will back me up on that one.
Wombat

[dukedogsmom]

You could do what they do in New Zealand.
Cover yourself in tattoos, stick your tongue out at them, and then hit them over the head with a club.
That works sometimes. Carole will back me up on that one.
Wombat
Ha ha! Well, I do have a few tattoos...... :)

[CathyBogart]

I hold grudges...and I can tell you, that is not the way to go.

[caseysmom]

I hold grudges...and I can tell you, that is not the way to go.

Me too...thats why the advice I gave was to forgive, its easiers said than done though.

[dukedogsmom]

Me too...thats why the advice I gave was to forgive, its easiers said than done though.
You got that right! I tend to hold grudges, too. But, for my own good, will try to find a happy medium.

[caseysmom]

You got that right! I tend to hold grudges, too. But, for my own good, will try to find a happy medium.

Don't you feel your whole being getting the life sucked out of you when you feel like that though? I just hate that feeling.

[columbine]

Forgiving isn't making excuses for the person who hurt you or setting yourself up to let them hurt you again. It's just closing the book. The trickiest part is forgiving YOURSELF for having gotten into that situation in the first place - learning how to stop wondering how you "brought it on yourself" or could have "saved" them if you'd tried harder, or calling yourself stupid. People just do mean things sometimes, not because of the people they do them to but because of who they are. People blame themselves for being betrayed because it makes them feel like they can keep it from happening again in the future, but it just doesn't work that way.

[dukedogsmom]

Forgiving isn't making excuses for the person who hurt you or setting yourself up to let them hurt you again. It's just closing the book. The trickiest part is forgiving YOURSELF for having gotten into that situation in the first place - learning how to stop wondering how you "brought it on yourself" or could have "saved" them if you'd tried harder, or calling yourself stupid. People just do mean things sometimes, not because of the people they do them to but because of who they are. People blame themselves for being betrayed because it makes them feel like they can keep it from happening again in the future, but it just doesn't work that way.
I've read this several times and am trying to understand what you mean. From your last sentence, does it mean that no matter how hard we try, it's still going to happen?

[columbine]

I've read this several times and am trying to understand what you mean. From your last sentence, does it mean that no matter how hard we try, it's still going to happen?Well, you can keep the same person from doing it again, but since it didn't happen because of you, but because of the other person, you can't change the way you do things so as to keep anybody else from backstabbing you. You can't live your life in any particular way that will keep people from being rotten to you, but you can X the one who already did it out of your life and just say, the past is the past, I'm going to go on.

There's no such thing as safety from meanness, though people try all kinds of things to attain it, from living like martyrs to turning mean themselves to just refusing to deal with anybody else at all unless they absolutely have to. But since it comes from outside, and you never did anything to bring it on yourself, if somebody's going to be mean to you, they're going to be mean no matter what you do. All you can do is stay away from the ones who've already done it.

Is that any clearer? :confused:

Love, Columbine

[dukedogsmom]

Yeah, I see where you're coming from now. Thanks for helping me but it kind of depresses me because you have a very good point.

[Cataholic]

I think what Columbine is emphasizing is the 'control' factor. You cannot control what another does to you. BUT, it gives you some feeling of control by acting like you can- by holding on, by not letting go, by berating yourself for someone else's actions, even by harboring the pain.

I am not suggesting any of this is really intentional, but, a script running subconsiously through your mind.

The only one you can control is you. So, control you in such a way that you are protected from pain as much as is possible. I don't subscribe to the theory of limiting human contact so as to spare myself pain. No way, WAY too much good times out there for that. BUT, I am about a 2 or 3 times "get outta my life" type of person.

And, I wonder if there weren't some signs that, had you been more critically thinking of it, that might have given you a clue or two as to this type of behaviour? I mention that ONLY as a way to further insulate yourself from hurtful people in the future.

[columbine]

I think what Columbine is emphasizing is the 'control' factor. You cannot control what another does to you. BUT, it gives you some feeling of control by acting like you can- by holding on, by not letting go, by berating yourself for someone else's actions, even by harboring the pain.

I am not suggesting any of this is really intentional, but, a script running subconsiously through your mind.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant! It's just an inherently human thing, I think. We've got these huge brains, and we're used to being able to use them to PLAN AHEAD. But sometimes you just can't, and beating yourself up over other people's nastiness is counterproductive.

Love, Columbine

[Cataholic]

Yes, that's exactly what I meant! It's just an inherently human thing, I think. We've got these huge brains, and we're used to being able to use them to PLAN AHEAD. But sometimes you just can't, and beating yourself up over other people's nastiness is counterproductive.

Love, Columbine

<whew>. I so hate to interpret what someone else says....lest I miss the mark.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Write down what this friend did to you then burn it - this may help you let go and move on. There are some truly great people out there as well as those who will let you down. Just remember - you are you and you are great!