How would you cope with this?

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

I am finding a few things which I have to experience on a daily basis here very upsetting, and I just can't figure out how to deal with them / work through them.....

If you are sensitive, I'd suggest stopping reading this now...

This place is so depressing - the only thing more upsetting than the starving animals is the starving and deformed children begging - it makes me sick to my stomach every single day. BUT if you role down the window to try and give food or money (most of them live on around 50c per day) your car gets MOBBED and it can be dangerous, so you just sit in traffic and try not to look.

There are beggars (both able bodied and disabled), Adults and Children everywhere. The road out of my area is a constant traffic jam, so they walk (or crawl) (or drag themselves on skateboards if the can't walk or have no legs) between the lines of cars. Even with shades on the windows they can still see in enough to see that I am an expat - plus the big car seat in the back marks me as a "soft target".

You can't imagine how I feel having kiddies and old women and sick people hanging on the car and shouting "Help me Madam", and "God Bless You".

It does not matter what time of the day I go out - it's always the same. Plus it's the only road out of my area - there is no alternative route.

There is a lady with a baby the same age as Cali standing there every day - the baby's arms are terribly deformed, but she still smiles and tries to wave. There is another lady with twins of about 6 months - one on each hip - just standing there for hours in the heat.

It's a VERY bad idea to roll down your window and give anyone anything - you will get mobbed.

I don't have the financial ability to donate to a charity here right now - plus this country is so corrupt that I would never know where my money was going.

I don't have the time (Cali is a handful), and more than that I don't have the EMOTIONAL strength right now to get involved or volunteer anywhere.

For the first time in my life I am feeling totally overwhelmed and totally incapable of doing anything to help.

Every time I think of those babies, and look at Cali, I just cry my eyes out. Every time that little girl "waves" on the road, I literally sit in the back of the car and sob for hours. They have no future here, no education, never mind special-needs education.

I'm at a really low point at the moment.

[Karen]

We will keep you in our prayers. And perhaps, as Cali outgrows things, you can donate her clothes to the moms you see with babies. If they cannot use them, they can probably barter or sell them. You cannot help them all, though I know your heart hurts for wanting. Is there any charity around you see that actually helps the people? Any church organizations that do?

Hmm, perhaps you should start a diary, or a blog, detailing what you see when you go out, and it will move people enough to want to help?

[Jadapit]

Oh my gosh, I couldn't handle that either! It made me cry reading it. I can not fathom seeing that every single day. It makes me ashamed for bitching about things I dont have. I have everything compared to those poor people.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. {{{Hugs}}}

[jenluckenbach]

Such a sad way to live. :( I am not even sure what to say. :(

[cassiesmom]

There is heart-wrenching poverty all over the world. I think you are doing the right thing by not helping anyone because you know you can't help everyone. When I worked in downtown Chicago, there was a young woman who used to hang out on the corner across from our offices with a small cat. She always looked strung out, stoned and in generally terrible shape, so we managed (with the help of the Chicago police) to get the cat away from her and into a local shelter; she was back the very next day with a different cat! I'm sure she was using the money that she claimed was for cat food to support an addiction. You cannot help everyone and there are organizations in place whose goal is to do just that. Steel yourself, keep your windows closed, and go out as infrequently as you can.

I remember reading a similar thread about panhandlers some time ago on PT - I quickly searched, but I can't find it. Will search more carefully when I have more time. Hang tough ally cat's mommy - hopefully you will be living in Australia in the not too distant future and things will be different from what you see in Nigeria.

[Randi]

Oh Julie, it is really sad that some people have to live like that. :( I'm sorry you have to deal with this, along with missing Aly and Connor. :(

I've seen similar things in Dominican Republic. When you walk down a street, there are beggars everywhere and if you help them, they come running after you - with their entire family and all their friends. It's just impossible! John and I went to very poor areas and we did get to know a few families and helped them as much as we could. It's amazing they can smile and be happy in spite of their poor lives. However, it was ten times worse in Haiti. John went there - I couldn't cope. :( A group of us at the hotel packed some clothes, shoes, mirrors and pencils and paper for John to give them. What makes me angry, is that some people there are extremely rich, and they don't seem to give a hoot about the poor. :mad:

One day, we had to laugh, we were in the square in Puerto Plata, it was a busy time of day - an American couple had taken a taxi from their luxurious resort to town. As they got out, they immediately turned around a said "Please take me back to the hotel". They just couldn't handle it.

I think the only way to really solve these problems in the world, is to help build places up and teach them how to set up a business, and schools of course.

To give some of Cali's outgrown clothes, is a one way of helping, so please consider that. :)

Julie, I'm sending hugs and hope you'll feel better soon!

[Catty1]

Bear in mind...often children are deliberately disabled (without arms or legs) to make them better begging prospects.

Nothing like encouraging your kid to carry on in the family business! :mad:

See if there are church charities, or people who work with them. They can give you a whole perspective on things. It's not always what it seems.

HUGS

[Donnaj4962]

Oh my, I cannot imagine seeing that every single day! Know that as Cali grows older, she will realize the importance of giving to others who are less fortunate, and to be thankful for the things that she has!

While on a cruise through the Panama Canal several years ago, we were diverted to Columbia due to a hurricane. (I had never WANTED to go to Columbia, but there I was!) It was scary also, but not nearly as bad as what you have described. Our tour guide insisted that, as we got out of the tour van to enter a church, we look straight ahead and not engage in any conversation with any of the locals. He said that once your look at them,or talk to them, they will become relentless and everyone else will come to you wanting your money or for you to buy their goods. It was scary! There were military personnel with machetes and guns on every other corner!

I can now say that I have been to Columbia... and I never want to go back!

I hope that you and your family will be relocated to Australia ASAP. (((hugs)))

[critter crazy]

Oh My!!!! I just dont know what to say???:(

[Lizzie]

Julie - I was going to suggest that you use your home help to select a family to help and donate old baby clothes through her/him. But if others found out where the donation was coming from, your house might be mobbed - or do you live in a secure area?

If you can find a way to do a positive act like this, though it might seem tiny to you and almost pointless, it might help you to get through it all. You have done rescue work so you know that you have to select one out of hundreds to help because you can't do more. One is many times better than none, I think.

Are you very isolated from other ex-pat families? Aren't there others there that have had to get used to what you are facing now and that you can talk to?

Do, please, keep writing about your experiences here. If we are in a dark mood and can't bear to read it sometimes, then we are fortunate enough not to have to, but it won't hurt any of us to read about what you are experiencing on a daily basis. Knowing that many of the people in desperate need could be helped if there was not so much corruption in the country would fire me into a desperate rage also.

[Laura's Babies]

We are not use to seeing things like that and are not "programmed" to handle it very well. It has to be extreemly hard to have to see that day after day.. I suspect you will quit leaving your house to avoid seeing it. My heart goes out to you!

[Lady's Human]

A little off topic, but I just found out about this organization today, and thought it was a great concept.
kiva.org (http://)

It's microfinancing for people who want to improve or start businesses. I'm looking at this as teaching a man to fish, rather than giving them a fish.

If someone needs a small amount of money to start or improve their business, they can go through a microfinancier to get the money instead of trying to get it from a regular bank.

It looks like a great way to help people help themselves and others (small businesses grow and employ others) without throwing money into the black holes that are international charities. (Yeah, I know some are legit, but so much is eaten up in bribery and red tape that I wonder how much of the donations actually get to the people.

[lizbud]

I am so sorry that you are situated there Julie. I do know that most others cannot begin to know the extreme poverty & disease that is just
part of everyday life in 3rd world countries. :( Speaking for myself, I could
never live there. :( I would lose my mind & be drawn into a very bad place
emotionally. Once you have experienced the lower than dirt poverty in these
countries, there is no putting it out of your mind. The problems are immense
and unimaginable to those of us more blessed in life.

I know my limits & I could not survive being confrounted with it on a daily basis & knowing even if I gave all that I had, it would not make a dent in
the problem. It's very sad indeed..

[Daisy and Delilah]

My heart goes out to you. Like you, I wouldn't be able to take seeing those kinds of things every day without going off the edge.

Please forgive me as I am ignorant to these things. Is there a governmental structure? Can't they do something? Do you have groups like UNICEF to help at all?

I'm sorry you have to go through this. {{{{HUGS}}}}

[jennielynn1970]

It sounds like Cairo, Egypt.... where you don't have any middle class. There are the few upper class and then the rest who are poor. It's a sad situation.

Is the foundation that Jimmy Carter is involved with active there?? I know he was helping to stop a lot of the diseases and all that that were plaguing the 3rd world countries. Just stay away from the water. Watch what you eat or what stings you. I had friends in Ghana who were missionaries and they came home after 2yrs and had the larvae of these icky bugs under their skin. They were deathly ill.

I have no idea if the area of Lagos is that bad, but it's definitely something to be cautious about.

And I'm sure that if you'd offer your home to an unfortunate family, you'd end up being taken advantage of. You'll be viewed as a meal ticket and they will play on your emotions. Don't be sucked in to it. The animals can't help themselves.... the situation is somewhat different with the people. I know they are poor and they are in a bad way, but they still may have ulterior motives.

You and your family will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. Living comfortably in those conditions may make you feel guilty, but just be thankful that you are in that situation and not in theirs, and hope that somehow, some way, it will change in their country.

[Freedom]

I agree wtih Lizzie, she has said what I would have said, but much better. Can you find some ex-pats to discuss this? Otherwise, I am stunned and not sure how to help, either. Best wishes, Julie.

[lizbud]

Just wanted to add another thought on this subject. I know I was not
much help & had no good options to offer you Julie, I do think it would be
helpful to find others to talk to about your feelings on this. If it helps at all,
feel free to vent here anytime you want.You will be in my thoughts and
prayers. :)

[Edwina's Secretary]

Many years ago I was an ex-pat working and living in Guadalajara. I am sure the poverty in Lagos is far worse than anything I saw, but still I can relate. When I first arrived there I was horrified. People coming up to the car at stop lights...young children....women with babies at the breast begging on the sidewalk...sitting in an outside cafe....limbless beggars coming up....and if you gave to one...a dozen more appeared.

Sad but true you cannot save them all and eventually you develop the ability to close out the noise and sights.

Across from where I lived there was a house being built. It was the custom to hire a family to live at the construction site. It was a very poor family. They had running water only from a cold water outside tap. I knew I could not, without giving offense, give them things. So...and I know this will sound so horrible...I would put things in the trash bin area. (I had observed them going through it.) I would put eatable food, clothes, and especially things I had seen the children enjoy...colorful magazines and the like. Perhaps it reinforced the idea of the wasteful gringa..but at least it was something.

[Lilith Cherry]

It is similar to Lagos in many areas of China too; if you do give anything you get mobbed in seconds! It is scary as hell!

We have "adopted " a couple of local families whom we are able to help in various ways like providing clothes and school supplies but this is done with extreme discretion.

As "Edwina's Secretary " said above, leaving "good garbage" is a great plan! Just put it in a separate bag and watch it disappear! Please stay safe and try not to let the situation get you too depressed. Even the tiny bit you can do will make a BIG difference to whomever is on the receiving end.

Lots of love,
Lilith in China

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Things haven't gotten any better here. I am just avoiding going out wherever possible - which is also NOT good - haven't left the appartment since Saturday morning!

Re baby things:
The "Steward / Chef" we employ (actually the company does - he is part of the package, so I'm NOT going to say no!!) has an 8 month-old daughter (Rachel). She is actually bigger than Cali, but I have gone through all Cali's stuff and given him loads of things - most almost brand new. The reality is that Cali's things are "disappearing" - I can't fire him and have his family out on the street, so I am hoping that by giving him enough stuff, he wont help himself, and at least any favourite stuff of Cali's won't disappear. He was also taking a LOT of disposable diapers (They are v v v expensive here - a colleague of hubby's actually brings in two jumbo packs when he flies in on business, so I REALLY can't afford to be supplying another child!!). I managed to find him a pile of gently used TOWEL nappies from another expat mum, so hopefully he won't take quite as many of mine!

There are some clothes which are getting too small for Cali, but there is no point in passing them on to Rachel, as she is bigger than Cali, so I am planning to pack them into little bundles and keep them in the car - so if there is an opportunity to discretely pass them on to the beggars with little babies, I can try to do so. If that does not work, then our driver (too dangerous to drive yourself here - all expats have drivers) is an elder in his church, so I m sure he will know of needy families to pass the stuff on to.

Other than that, all our leftover food etc goes to the Housekeeper already (he always makes WAY too much rice etc so there are always leftovers for him and the family) - I don't mind, but I have to shop accordingly, so it does come out of my pocket!

Thanks for all your somments, suggestions, and most of all your SUPPORT. It's great to be able to "vent" - if I emailed friends or family about this they would jjust pressurise us to leave, so it's hard to know where to turn to.

BTW I have just posted a thread about a local school with kiddies who need sponsorship for school fees etc. If any of you are financially able to assist, please read the thread here (http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=121934)

[emily_the_spoiled]

Julie,

I have known a few ex-pats who have lived in Nigeria over the years and unfortunately your experiences are not all that uncommon. Even as much you would like to save everyone, it is not possible. In Lagos you must use extreme caution. You are doing the right thing by trying to work with other ex-pats to help people. If South Africa has an embassy there, they might have programs for you to help with.

I know that you can not leave yet but please be careful.

Cheryl & Connor...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/cfahlman/checkingoutthelatestbox.jpg

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Bless you for wanting to help and for your compassion. You can't help everyone as much as you would love to be able to - donating things that you no longer need would be a wonderful start