Emotionally Abused loved ones... help

[catnapper]

I am really concerned about someone I know and love very much: she is most certainly being emotionally abused by her SO. Everyone who knows her agrees with our feelings that this guy just berates and belittles her, yet she refuses to see what he's doing to her.

I need help showing her that she needs help breaking away from this guy for her own emotional and physical health. He has not hit her yet as we know, but considering his background of fighting and punching walls, hitting her is only a matter of time.

They have a child together. They've been together a while now.

How can I help her? She doesn't see that he abuses her. She makes a 100 excuses for him. She refuses to bring up uncomfortable topics with him because she knows he'll explode. She dumped all her friends who dont like him and got closer to the few who actually do like him. She clings to him like he's her breath, and runs back to him as soon as he appologises saying "I love you so much, I can't imagine life without you, blah blah blah"

We see the abuse stepping up and feel utterly helpless in getting her to see it herself. I showed her printed websites listing the signs of abuse and she said that doesn't describe her. She's a great woman, strong and determined, yet when he's around, she's a puddle of mush... she can't even decide on a movie to watch or what she wants for dinner - she looks at him to tell her which movie or if she wants the chicken. She changes completely and nobody understands it, because she'd NEVER let any of us get away with the things she lets him do.

How to help?!

[ramanth]

Is it possible that she's afraid to leave him?

That is sooo hard. I was in a verbally abusive relationship and I kept kidding myself telling myself that I could make things work. I guess I got lucky in that he dumped me and now looking back, I see it was not a good relationship to be in. My friends were relieved and I felt so bad for not listening to them in the first place.

I'm not sure what to do but I send my love.

[Logan]

It is a tough issue. And it isn't one that is solved easily, especially if the one that is enduring the abuse doesn't take steps to get away from it.

I will pray for strength for those involved, Kim, and hope that the loved one will find the right avenue to get out of this abusive situation.

Logan

[moosmom]

Kim,

I see myself in what you just described. It's sad, unfortunately unless she, herself, decides she's had enough, there's not much you can do.

She has very low self-esteem and feels that she's nothing without a man in her life. (I learned this from years of therapy). It's sad but SOOO true. Until she realizes that she's a wonderful person who deserves so much better, all the coaxing and begging from you isn't going to do much good. All it will to is alienate you from her and ruin what relationship you have left.

Just let her no that no matter what happens, you'll always be there for her, as a confidante who will listen. Hopefully time will help her wise up.

[borzoimom]

sent you a pm..

[Lobodeb]

Typical battered woman syndrome. As Moosmom said, there's not much you can do but be there to pick up the pieces until she decides she's had enough. She and only she can pick herself up.

The only thing you can do for her is continue to be a great friend for her. I know it's frustrating as hell to watch her go through this, let her cry on your shoulder and do nothing, but she needs as much positive energy and influences around her as possible. Just be careful not to bash him too much or she'll likely turn away from you too, and you'll be left looking like the bad guy until he screws up again.

Good luck!

[Kirsten]

I've seen this happen several times, the worst case was with a friend who was severely abused by her boyfriend. She's been with him since she was 15. I always tried to be there for her and we talked many many hours, but she was afraid to leave him. One time she did it and moved out in secret, but he found out her new adress and stalked her. One time, she was at my place and when she left, he was waiting outside, kidnapped her and locked her in his apartment for several days. I think he abused her in every possible way. It didn't take long and she was back with him again, and eventually I gave up talking into her.

To my very surprise, she was able to break up with him a while later, but she had huge problems after that and was unable to have a "normal" relationship. After that, she's been through many dramas before she finally met the guy who is now her husband. A nice man btw and very caring, and they have a child together. But life will always be more difficult for her than it is for others.

But to answer your question: From my experience all you can do for such a person is to be there for her, listen to her, talk to her and occasionally point out that it's an unhealthy relationship (you probably need to be careful here as she seems to have given up on other friendships for him in the past). Also, try to show her that there's also a life without him. Women often prefer a bad relationship instead of being alone, some of them have such a low self-esteem that they think they don't deserve any better than that.

Sadly, things often need to go very bad until abused people are able to make the decision and end up the relationship.

Kirsten

[dukedogsmom]

Having been in that same situation (verbal with me and physical with Duke), I can tell you that you can't make her leave. I'm sure she knows how it is but she's got to decide when she's had enough. I hope she does soon. I know my relationship sucked the life out of me. It's not a good way to live at all.

[kimlovescats]

I sure wish I had an answer for you, but unfortunately I have come to the realization that these women have to decide they need a change on their own! I will pray for your loved one!!!

Hugs,
Kim