Am I too hard on him?

[catnapper]

I have spent the past few months seriously hating the baby's father. In the beginning he was a bum who refused to get a job, who cheated on her, who wasn't around --- he never even told anybody she was pregnant! :eek: He was selfish and the whole world revolved around him. He acted his way through life so that he could always be the center of attention, and to be whatever anybody wants him to be. You want a charming tea-totaler? He's it! You want a party-hearty druggie? He's your man! Whatever he thinks you're looking for, he'll be that in order for you to like him. You should have seen the show he put on for the doctors when she was in labor :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: Ah, but I digress.....

But now it seems as if he at least trying to change and be a good dad. I won't say he IS a good dad (yet), but I can see he's trying. He's got a full time job, he does care for his son when he's here, and hubby saw him hand Ashley money last night. We know Ashley has a LOT of growing up to do yet. We are pretty certain she'll take the money he gave her and buy herself the $90 Vera Bradley diaper bag she wants (for the record, there's nothing wrong with her current diaper bag)

Can a bum really change? Is it possible that he's actually a good guy under all his lies and manipulations? Or is this just his biggest "show"?

Maybe they'll actually grow up together? Can I be too hard on him, taking out my frustrations of her stupidity on him too? Or was my initial opinion of him right on target?

[borzoimom]

By your admissions- he was into drugs. Drugs or alcohol turns people into what they arent. If he cleaned up his act, it is possible you are actually seeing a person that has been in there- but the drugs covered it up. Watch with one raised eyebrow for any signs of " the old guy" coming back, but any use in drugs is like a possession of the spirit of the persons self.
My older brother was a alcoholic. When he drank, he was a different person. A hateful person. He has been sober now for like 18 years, and is this wonderful caring person. Its hard to give someone that hurt you so another chance, but maybe if you understand it was the deed with the drugs, and not the person, this might help you accept him. Give yourself plenty of time to make sure he doesn't " back slide"- maybe just take today as the a day, and go from there...

[catnapper]

Thanks - I'd like to think it was the drugs and that he's off them, but his myspace likes still list "chilling and mary-j" :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

But MAYBE he's doing them a whole lot less. You can't be a complete partier when you have a real job. *shrug*

[borzoimom]

That is very true. Just use the job as a barameter if he is clean. Thats a good point.
Websites are misleading sometimes. He would want people to still think he is cool or something. The problem is- as they told my brother, you have to disassociate yourself that reminds you in anyway of that other life. He has to come to that decission, and all you really care about is how good a father he is. I could say a ton of stuff about my ex, but all of it doesnt matter anymore. What I will say that is a good and I believe it, was he is an excellent father. All the other garbage aside how I feel- he was and is.. And my daughter knows this is how I feel. I dropped any other subject to her. She knows what happened but he is still her father. And he does love her and vice versa..

[BOBS DAD]

I have a few thoughts on this subject from a man's (and father of teenage daughters) perspective...

I would be very wary. My sister married two bums (very young and immature men) to whom she has had 3 children. The first husband is now in jail in MI and the second is zoned out on a couch on morphine, dopamine or whatever "ine" he can get his hands on. Neither one assists her financially in the raising of their children. Both "tried" for a while to be decent fathers.

It is good that the bum is changing some and that he now holds down a steady job. But don't be too optimistic. And don't give him "too much" credit. I am sure that he wants a job cause he needs some money too!

I know they are young and that time has a way of making all of us grow up to some degree. He just needs to accelerate the pace. You(HE) is a "DAD" now, with all the responsibilities that go along with it. It is time to "give up" the MySpace and adolescent ways. Hope he continues along his current path and as you say, "grow up together" for the best interest of your daughter, his baby and himself!

[Rie Rie]

At least he's making an effort and hopefully he will continue to do well. The father of my daughters baby insisted on having a DNA test to prove to her that he was father becuase he wanted to be in his sons life because he never knew his father. Well, after all that, we've not seen nor heard from him since Christmas two years ago. As of Sept. 25, 2006, he is no longer his father, my daughters husband adopted him. He's been the only dad this child has known for almost three years now, he's been with my daughter since she was 3 months pregnant. Some young people just aren't ready to be parents and then some get lucky.

[moosmom]

I agree with Bob's Dad. Take the "wait and see" road. Maybe, just MAYBE he is trying. But like Bob's Dad said, "He just needs to accelerate the pace. You(HE) is a "DAD" now, with all the responsibilities that go along with it. It is time to "give up" the MySpace and adolescent ways."

It could very well be that he is just trying to keep up the facade of being cool on Myspace.com. But that also shows that he hasn't given up his "cheating ways". Why would a man who has a girlfriend and infant son want to cruise the myspace site, except maybe to pick up chicks. Who knows??

Reserve your judgement for later, Kim. People do not change THAT quickly. So, is he now a full-time pizza delivery guy or what??

[Karen]

Frankly, it sounds like he is trying harder than Ashley is. I agree, it's a "wait and see" situation right now, but as a teenager, he's still deciding who and how he wants to be in life, nothing's set in stone yet!

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Maybe parenthood will make them both grow up....I'd be inclined to give him a chance and bite my tongue for a while.

Good or no good he is still Dad and she is still Mum............hope they work it out between them for baby's sake

[ramanth]

Well they do say boys mature slower than girls. Maybe he can change. I do believe in second chances in some cases. I agree with the wait and see.

My ex boyfriend (while not a drinker or drug user), was an extreme charmer. He just charmed the pants off my parents but then when it was just the two of us, we'd have nasty fights and he'd attempt to be controlling. He was also 5 years younger than I.

We split up and now, 5 years later, the few times I run into him, I see a huge change. He just needed to grow up. :)

[kimlovescats]

I'm sure you know that I am not the "right one" to ask on this subject right now. But as far as the not being able to party hardy and still hold down a job? Think again!!!! :mad: :(

[caseysmom]

Kim, Its a tough situation all around. Your relationship with Ashley was doing so well when you found out she was pregnant, you really jumped in and she really didn't appreciate your help.

[Sevaede]

By your admissions- he was into drugs. Drugs or alcohol turns people into what they arent. If he cleaned up his act, it is possible you are actually seeing a person that has been in there- but the drugs covered it up. Watch with one raised eyebrow for any signs of " the old guy" coming back, but any use in drugs is like a possession of the spirit of the persons self.
My older brother was a alcoholic. When he drank, he was a different person. A hateful person. He has been sober now for like 18 years, and is this wonderful caring person. Its hard to give someone that hurt you so another chance, but maybe if you understand it was the deed with the drugs, and not the person, this might help you accept him. Give yourself plenty of time to make sure he doesn't " back slide"- maybe just take today as the a day, and go from there...

That is a stretching it a bit, m'dear.

Kim, I would see about giving him another chance if he's doing the right thing and wising up and such.

My brother is just like that, though. He does and acts the way everyone wants and then when they go away he is back to his idiotic self. Very good manipulation skills.

[NoahsMommy]

While I don't know him or your step daughter, only the situation...I'd keep my eyes and ears open. You know his past and what he's capable of...they are both children, raising this baby.

Maybe this will be the "thing"* that makes him grow up, maybe it wont. But if its making him get a job and seemingly act like a more responsible person, he deserves credit and praise for it. I think anyone trying to straighten up needs encouragment. But always, always listen to your gut. Its nice and good to give chances and keep an open mind, but keep an open eye/ear too.

*thing...not a thing, a precious little boy, but you know what I meant. ;)

[kuhio98]

You asked: Can a bum really change?

I wish you'd see it a little differently. Instead: Can a boy become a man?

The answer is yes. And a pat on the back and a few comments of appreciation and recognition by you guys will go a long way towards making that happen.

What have you got to lose? It won't cost you anything. And if it will help him have a better relationship with his child, it's the right thing to do.

[tikeyas_mom]

so he has a job now then? Whats the problem? is it not a fulltime job?.... I could understand that being very frusterating if he is working, but not bringing in the decent amount of money that he COULD be earning>..You say hes a druggie/partier... Do he does life threatening drugs, and goes out to party all night on weekends? yikes, thats not good at all... Is Ashley your daughter?... Is this fella her boyfriend/husband?

[AbbyMom]

Kim

I can't seem to remember...how old is he? There's a lot of difference between a 17-year-old and a 20-year-old.

I would like to believe he's continuing to grow up.

At least he's got a full-time job. The bum my niece lives with has never held a job for longer than 5 days. Keeps getting fired for being lazy He's 24 or 25 now. Now that's a BUM!

[NoahsMommy]

You asked: Can a bum really change?

I wish you'd see it a little differently. Instead: Can a boy become a man?

The answer is yes. And a pat on the back and a few comments of appreciation and recognition by you guys will go a long way towards making that happen.

What have you got to lose? It won't cost you anything. And if it will help him have a better relationship with his child, it's the right thing to do.

This is what I was trying to say...you said it WAY better and well, just WAY better. ;)

[catnapper]

Thanks guys.

I really would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'd love to see him become the man he is destined to become, if only for his son's sake.

He's 20 years old, Ashley is 18. I swear sometimes that she is worse than he is! She spends so much time playing on the internet. I am ready to put parental controls on all the computers to block AIM and myspace. She plops him on the couch and expects him to be happy to sit there while she plays online. Then she gets frustrated when he cries for attention. She already relies heavily on TV to babysit him for her. This kid is going to be one of those holy terrors in stores because she'll give in to him just to keep him quiet, instead of doing the hard thing (which coincidentally is the right thing)

I guess its easier to hate him rather than fight with Ashley since she's the one who lives here while the father only comes to visit a few times a week. I am trying to view the situation and learn from my past mistakes and move forward in a manner that is best for Cameron. I never said I'm perfect ;) :p

[Catty1]

I liked Kuhio's idea of rewarding good behaviour. Words of encouragement, etc.

The idea of a boy becoming a man.

Ashley doesn't seem to have a clue...sheesh....

I don't know what it will take. Selling the TV and blocking those net sites?

HUGS