Did I miss the logic here? [Archive]

catnapper

11-19-2006, 09:54 AM

Ashley and Cameron are playing in the livingroom -- he has nothing on except a diaper. Here's the conversation:
Me: Ummm, Ash why is Cam naked?
Ash: because all his clothes are dirty.
Me: Everything is in the laundry right now.
I go upstairs to his closet, which is FULL of clothes. I toss a cute Carters jumper down the steps and......
Ash: I am not putting that on him. Its ugly.
Me: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Then I told her that I put an empty laundry basket on her floor and she needs to remove the "ugly" from the closet so I could put it on ebay.

Its freezing outside and she's got a naked baby inside. When it was hot, she had in in long sleeved sleepers and he was sweating to death. Now she's letting him cold just because the clothes are "ugly".

For the record, the stuff she's calling ugly is perfectly charming and cute. Its all either new or in fabulous condition.... all name brands like Carters Gymboree, Baby Gap, Old Navy.

So did I miss the logic boat on this one? Even if the stuff is ugly, will he die from ugliness before freezing to death? Here you can really tell she's only 18. Someone more mature would have stuck their kid in the ugliest, most stained outfit just to keep him warm... or they'd have left him in his sleeper.

jackie

11-19-2006, 09:57 AM

Thats weird, its not like she wanted to take him out of the house... silly girl. :rolleyes:

Cataholic

11-19-2006, 12:31 PM

I have a relation, who will remain unnamed, that turned her nose up at FREE, age appropriate clothing, for similar reasons.

As to freezing in the house, well, you must keep it pretty cool in there for that to be a possibility. I have just never been a fan of Jonah wandering around in his underwear....though, I do know people that think it is no big deal at all. I don't even like him in just his t-shirt and pants!

Sevaede

11-19-2006, 12:36 PM

Geez! That's kinda goofy. :eek:

I don't know, though, my sister in law will put a pretty nice (in whatever way. I don't know if they are expensive outfits but they're things you wouldn't wear every day) outfit on my niece RIGHT before she eats and then get all irritated when Grace (2 yrs on Dec 25) gets messy. She doesn't bother to help her out, put a bib on her, watch her, or put messy-clothes on. Gracie usually ends up wearing four or five outfits a day. Brandi also won't put something on Gracie if she thinks "it's ugly". She's 26. :eek:

My peeve? When she lets her clothes mildew!

jenluckenbach

11-19-2006, 12:39 PM

caseysmom

11-19-2006, 04:46 PM

Kim Perhaps she knows it bugs you and she is doing it on purpose. Maybe ignore it for a while...turn the heat up so he doesn't freeze and see what happens...although she isn't paying the heating bill so she won't care. I love it when my girls walk around in spaghetti straps and complain about how cold it is in the house

molucass

11-19-2006, 04:48 PM

I'm 21 (and pregnant) and I personally wouldn't care whether or not it was ugly. If they still fit I would be glad to let my baby wear it. I mean if its just around the house, why does it matter whether or not it is ugly.
I wouldn't let my baby be in just a diaper when its cold outside, regardless if the child is in the house.

kimlovescats

11-19-2006, 09:15 PM

I feel your pain! :rolleyes:

critter crazy

11-19-2006, 09:19 PM

Some people just dont get it! My SIL wouldnt take used baby clothes from me, she preferred to go out and buy all brand new stuff! It is rediculous, i dont get it, they grow so fast that they only get to wear an outfit a couple of times anyways! Now my niece on the other hand, juts emptied out the attic with all of our baby stuff, cause she is due in march! She loved all the free stuff, i was so happy i could help!:)

catnapper

11-19-2006, 09:32 PM

critter crazy

11-19-2006, 09:40 PM

Well All I know is thank the lord that you and hubby are there!!! Could you imagine how she would be if you went?? I have to hand it to you, you guys are keeping that baby safe, and helping her out at the same time. she does need to grow up, unfortunately we cant dictate just how fast!

My SIL adopted a baby from a young girl(friend of the family) who got pregnant at 14! two years later she was pregnant again! so my SIL being the wonderful person she is adopted the next little girl, now she is prgnant again! she says she plans on keeping this baby, but already is having problems with her boyfriend. My SIL has already said she cannot adopt the third, it would be too much! But this girl has been pregnant 3 times,at age 14, 16, and 18! what is wrong with the youth of today?? do they not get it?? I AM SCARED TO THINK WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THIS BABY!

Sara luvs her Tinky

11-20-2006, 07:11 AM

This makes me think of all those teenage girls on the talk shows that want and will have a baby no matter what. They just don't realize the sacrifices you have to make. She should be thankful that she has you guys and isn't doing it on her own.

Anyways.... as far as the "ugly" outfit... 90% of Alden's clothes are 2nd hand... and I can't be more thankful for them... And if I even thought that it might be ugly... i just put it on him and he turns it 100% ~*CUTE*~. LOL..... ;) :p :D

Cookiebaker

11-20-2006, 07:32 AM

Maybe someday she will grow up. Life is harsh, and its not about whether a baby outfit is ugly or not. It's about learning to be thankful for all the blessings and treasures that we have.

moosmom

11-20-2006, 08:27 AM

Kim,

I'd keep an eye on Ashley. She sounds WAY too stressed out. Yelling at an infant is not a good sign. I hope your SIL's can talk some sense into her. She sounds like she definitely needs a wake up call.

I also think that Caseysmom is right. Just wait till he's old enough to pick out his own clothes. THAT should be a definitely experience.

Hang in there Nana Kim.

catnapper

11-20-2006, 08:41 AM

I just spoke with her -- apparently her grant for school next semester is NOT going through because they are waiting for Child support info. The CS she's NOT getting? And WON'T apply for? :mad: :rolleyes:

Anyway, the Financial Aid people asked if she lives at home, she said yes, and then Financial Aid said "well then they are helping you with your child" she said NO.... ummmm, we're NOT?!?! Sure we don't hand her money left and right but we're providing a roof over their heads, heat, water, electricity, I buy him shoes, clothes (which she won't put on him because they're "ugly") Ah, but she doesn't pay those bills or rent so she doesn't consider those things. She takes them for granted. We're almost out of diapers and I REFUSE to buy more because she swears the other grandmom offers to by him diapers and clothes every time she sees the baby.... so I'm waiting to see that offer become reality. We have maybe enough diapers to make it til Thanksgiving. Lets see if she gets diapers on thursday from daddy's family.

She's the #1 reason why I am searching for a fulltime job. If not for her, I know I wouldn't have just given up on my dream of my own company. I would be fighting and pounding the streets for a way to make it grow. But she has NO CLUE what I do to help her, what I've done for her and the baby. So I'll find a job and let her figure out a way to get child care and a ride to and from school -- I'll be at work when she needs a taxi service and babysitter.

shais_mom

11-20-2006, 01:22 PM

This is not the first time I heard a reference to Ashley NOT liking Camry's choice of clothes. I am feeling quite like "Well, I am surely not going to spend any more money on gifts of clothes only for them to be rejected! " He will NOT die due to UGLY. Just wait until he chooses his OWN clothes....THAT will probably be uglier! :p

(p.s. I too prefer a clothed baby to a naked one. Don't know why, just personal preference)
that's kind of what I was thinking - not that I contributed to a gift or anything but seems like she is acting not only a tad immature but a tad spoiled too. Dare I say it? Sounds like she is looking a gift horse in the mouth also if some of those clothes were gifts. That's a good way to NOT get things anymore! :)
Good luck

shais_mom

11-20-2006, 01:32 PM

I told hubby the story and he rolled his eyes.

All I know is the girl needs a serious wake up call... she's worried about his clothes being ugly more so than serious things like what his father does to support him. Things are getting too stressful for her. I haven't mentioned it but things are definately stressful and she's been on edge. He screamswhen he's with her all the time now, and quiets when we take him from her. He knows she's tense and he picks up on it. Hubby tore into her last night because she wanted to watch a movie and he decided to have a temper tantrum. She screamed at him that she is "tired of his crap" :eek: Poor girl couldn't watch her movie.... awwww... pity party for the 18 year old mom :rolleyes: Hubby said she should NEVER tell her son that his crying is a bunch of crap. Its getting bad. Thursday should be "interesting" because hubby's sisters will be here and they plan on giving her a lecture on growing up.
Pick up some pamphlets on adoption and tell her if it that much CRAP here ya go. Just 2 weeks ago one of my coworkers - her grandson was taken to Children's with a subdural hematoma and 6 broken bones. Did I mention that the baby was 2 months old? The dad dropped the baby on his head a week before. It took her that long to bring the baby in. Mom is also known as a liar.The baby wasn't a planned pregnancy. The mom is 23ish as is the dad. The grandma was soooo excited over being a grandma and that was all she talked about. Now the baby is in custody of children's services and is going up for adoption which last I heard the grandparent's weren't allowed to adopt him as they don't know if they were the ones that did it or caused it.

Pembroke_Corgi

11-20-2006, 02:33 PM

It sounds like everyone in your household is stressed out...I can understand the strain it must put on everyone.

I know from the experience of my brother being a single parent for a year (he has since gotten back together with his wife) and him living with my mom what a strain it put on my mom, who has a very hard time saying "no," as in "No, I don't want to watch him tonight while you do so and so." Eric and I ended up babysitting quite a bit, not for my brother- but for my mom, who was taking on way too much.

I guess my best advice is, for your own sake, as long as she isn't putting the baby in any kind of danger, don't be afraid to step back and let her handle things...my mom aged a lot last year from feeling like she needed to do too much, when in fact it was my brother's responsibility. I know your daughter is only 18, and you all help out which is great...just make sure you take some time for yourself.

Vela

11-20-2006, 02:43 PM

I hate to say it, but the majority of this problem is you and your husband's fault for doing too much for her in the past and not making this a big enough consequence for her. You have bent over backwards, much too far, and done much too much for her to be learning the lessons she needs to. She also knows if he is out of diapers you will buy them. She has not REALLY had to take responsibility for everything. As sucky as it is, you need to start requiring her to pay rent, as well as utility bills, contribute for food, and pay for her own baby. She is the one who got pregnant, she needs to take the responsibility for it, but you and your husband are shouldering a good majority of that responsbility, too much of it. She was spoiled when he was on the way and she's been spoiled up to now. She needs a hard lesson in reality, and she won't get it unless you cut off the cash cow. Make sure Cameron is taken care of enough so that he isn't in danger, but make her foot the bill. Stop doing everything for her. Don't do her laundry, or his, don't buy him clothes, let him wear what he has. Don't sell them on ebay for her so she can buy more. Stop enabling her to be a spoiled little brat.

BTW I didn't mean it in a rude way, just that you gusy do too much for her and she takes it for granted and has yet to see reality hit her in the face. She needs to take more responsibility for her choices, not you guys continuing to foot the bills.

Muddy4paws

11-20-2006, 03:38 PM

Being 18 myself If I got pregnant (Touchwood not for a long time yet!) I would want as much help as I could get. I wouldn't care about how my baby looked along as he had clothes that fit him properly. I think its being very childish on her behalf and she is coming across as a brat! Sorry if thats harsh! She should get over the issue that the clothes are not "cool" enough she has a growing son she should be grateful she has help with clothes. I mean the little man isn't going to grow up self concious because hes wearing "ugly" clothes. My mum used to dress my brother in my sisters old babygrows and they were pink! lol Babies grow too fast and Im sure mums can definatly agree that baby clothes can be expensive so getting as much wear out of them as possible seems like a good idea to me, its not like he went out in the pink babygrow but its not like its doing any harm inside.

Jods

11-20-2006, 08:47 PM

sheesh ugly?? U should have seen what Zoey was wearing today because it was cold and they needed to be worn before she grows outta them :p Some of the clothing I got at my shower wasn't what I would have picked but shes worn it all anyways!

I hope Cam doesn't catch a cold and hopefully Ashley will relize that what she did wasn't very smart on her part. ITA with letting her pay rent etc... Its HER baby and her and her BF need to step up. Its a privledge having you and your hubby help out so much its not her right. Some day maybe she'll realize it.

Rachel

11-21-2006, 08:40 AM

It's wonderful that you've been supportive in a time of crisis, but I do believe that now might be the time for your husband and you to set some ground rules and delineate the expectations you have of her while she and the baby are living with you. I get the impression that she is unwilling to impliment action to get child support from the baby's father. That shouldn't be an option under the current arrangement.

Also I don't understand this idea that if the baby's father buys some diapers, he somehow is doing his part. A baby needs more than diapers...like a warm place to live, care and supervision, food, medical care, transportation. All that takes money and it seem you and your husband have been providing all that for the baby as well as her. Diapers don't even begin to make a dent in what constitutes support.

As for her yelling at Cameron, she definitely needs to get a grip.

Catty1

11-21-2006, 08:43 AM

I think a family conference - and/or a family counsellor - is definitely called for.

I like the idea of a counsellor, because then the information and direction is coming from an outsider - not "just Mom or Dad".

Sounds like this is getting beyond a do-it-yourself job. Please look into the counselling.

hugs

jackmilliesmom

11-21-2006, 09:10 AM

So don't help anymore and stop putting your hands under her feet. If the baby cries leave her to it - if he runs out of diapers let her get them when his clothes get dirty let her wash them.... and the same goes for her
she will soon see what she has - and maybe respect it my own cousin (18 when she had first twenty when she had second) went through the same thing she had one then two and after the second my aunt said enough - she told her to find accomodation and she would help her with the deposit but that was it she was not funding her any more and she was not going to wash dry or iron anything of hers or her babies anymore and that she was not cleaning for them either - my cousin thought she was joking but things changed when she went to the laundry room to get something from the clean pile and realised it was not done and would not be done until she did it herself.

My aunt found it hard but she stuck with it and by god it worked what a changed young lady we have today she has a good job her own home is getting married next year and has three happy healthy boys - the transformation is amazing and she thanks my aunt for her help in doing this.

Sounds cruel but try it "God loves a Tryer".... or try cut back on your help and see what happens - keep us informed

Cataholic

11-21-2006, 11:01 AM

Having been there myself, I can only encourage you to do whatEVER you think is in Cam's best interest. If this means you are buying him diapers, buy them. If this means you are buying him formula, buy it. If this means buying him a winter coat, buy it.

As for the stresses involved with raising an infant, I can tell you first hand, It. Is. Hard. I needed (and still need) tons of support. I wasn't getting any sleep, was eating poorly, felt isolated, and did I mention I wasn't getting any sleep?

If she is yelling at Cam, then, for heaven's sake- regardless of who is at fault, regardless of who is the 'adult', regardless of WHY, she needs some time away.

The tough love advice in some of the posters is ridiculous, considering the young, innocent baby will be paying the price.

Sure, SHE had the baby. But, last I checked, Catnapper's husband had SHE!

Hang in there, Kim. You can't see it, but, you are doing triple time right now. It will, and it does make a difference. You are doing right. ;)

cassiesmom

11-21-2006, 11:09 AM

She's the #1 reason why I am searching for a fulltime job. If not for her, I know I wouldn't have just given up on my dream of my own company. I would be fighting and pounding the streets for a way to make it grow. But she has NO CLUE what I do to help her, what I've done for her and the baby. So I'll find a job and let her figure out a way to get child care and a ride to and from school -- I'll be at work when she needs a taxi service and babysitter.

Don't give up on your dream. It must be very hard to see the child's needs not being met in ways you know you can meet them. Maybe allowing her to figure out her own child care and transportation arrangements will be a growing-up exercise.