Terribly worried about my daughter and grandbaby! *UPDATE Page 3* [Archive]

kimlovescats

10-25-2006, 09:14 PM

How much more can a mother's heart break? My daughter confessed to me last night that she has been using some very dangerous drugs. She even did one recently in the presence of my grandbaby, Jenna. I am devastated!!!! I pleaded with her to let me take her to a hospital last night for help. She had almost agreed then her "husband" got involved and talked her out of it. He was yelling at her in the background and she ended up denying that she was in trouble and hung the phone up on me.

Today, she got a new job (that's good at least, but for how long) and acted like everything is "fine". I know it's far from fine. I told her that I was happy that she got this job, but she needs to address the real issues. She just brushed it off as "it won't happen again" ... a typical response..... and hugged me and left.

I don't know what to do, or where to turn. Her husband is a felon, drug user, thief, and I know he is controlling her. She only just moved back in with him this weekend .... to "work on their marriage". :rolleyes: I have basically found out that I have NO legal rights as a grandmother to help my grandbaby, and I have no physical PROOF to hold up in court. She can admit anything she wants to me, but without real proof, it is just "hear say"!

In the meantime, her mother-in-law and I are making ourselves available to take turns keeping Jenna as much as we possibly can. Always trying to stay on top of things and get her out of any situation we can. At least my daughter's sister-in-law has a big mouth and tells her mother everything. Of course mom doesn't want her baby boy to do more jail time! :mad:

Add to this, the fact that my ex-husband has long since dis-owned my daughter and is what she stated last night is the main source / cause of her problems!!!! I sent "Daddy" a very direct e-mail last night, telling him that he better put his pride behind him and step up and be a father to his 1st child, if he has any feelings left for her at all .... before it's too late!!!! Amy Beth has even contemplated suicide. :( :( :(

I don't know what to do ..... I have never been so scared and felt so helpless in my life. I know what NEEDS to happen, but there are glitches and loopholes everywhere I turn! :( :(

PRAYERS, PLEASE, that's all I know that I can do at this point for my baby girl and grandbaby.

Thank you,
Kim :(

Edwina's Secretary

10-25-2006, 10:15 PM

I am so sorry Kim....I can only imagine how helpless and frightened and frustrated and angry you must feel.

Unfortunately...all I can do is send you my sympathy. I wish there was more...

Soapets

10-25-2006, 10:19 PM

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....................

If Jenna is in any danger, you'll need to report them to the authorities, though. As difficult as that would be, it would force them to get some help and Jenna would be safe. Social Service agencies try to work with families, and if at all possible try to place children with biological family members......at least here. In the long run it might be the best thing for them.

Try reading the book "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian, also. That helped me a LOT with the situation with my son. It gives you a sense of being able to do something, whether or not your daughter is aware of it or accepts it.........

{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Deb

Catty1

10-25-2006, 10:19 PM

Call Family Services...from a payphone, if you really want to be anonymous.

Prayers are wonderful - and there are God-given people who are trained and willing to help.

Please call, or have a friend call them! They need intervention!

HUGS!

kimlovescats

10-25-2006, 10:23 PM

Thank you, Sara. Just a kind word is helpful! ;)

Deb, thank you for the book title, I can use all the support I can get! I need to feel like I am making the "right" choices and decisions when I make them. What is best for everyone, but most importantly, baby Jenna!!!

Catty .... I know you are right. My sister offered to be the "one" to call, but I don't know if she will. Everyone is so scared of what could happen. :(

Soapets

10-25-2006, 10:33 PM

Even though you are afraid of what might happen, it needs to be done. It is MORE frightening to think of what might happen if nobody calls and reports them.

PRAY, and have faith that things will work out for the best. Pray for God to put the right people in the position to intervene at the right times, and it will happen. Pray for strength to trust in God, and for guidance every step of the way. And pray for God to keep a protective shield around Jenna first, and then your daughter and "son-in-law" and other family members. It WORKS!!

I'll be keeping you and everyone involved in my prayers, in this manner, and will be checking for updates. Let me know what you think of that book...

Deb

Karen

10-25-2006, 10:35 PM

Someone needs to call, you know that. Better now than when it is too late.

You will be in our prayers.

Laura's Babies

10-25-2006, 10:39 PM

I have no advice for you, just know I will be praying for this situation, you, your daughter and grandbaby.....

Glacier

10-25-2006, 10:40 PM

Kim,

I was a child protection social worker for a number of years. I could not agree more with the other posters who said you need to report your concerns. Everyone who knows about the issues needs to make a report. The more information the social worker has, the better she can protect your granddaughter. It sounds like your daughter needs help too and they could help her get it together so she can parent safely.

I'm not sure if they have a program like this where you live, but where I used to work we often used "kinship foster homes." They were relatives of the kids in care, didnt' matter what the relationship was--grandparent, aunt, cousin, ect. Often the foster parent was preapproved well in advance of the child coming into care. It was a bit of a precaution. We knew there were issues in the family. If a child had to be removed in a hurry, a pre-approved home made things much easier-on both the child, the parent and the social worker. Might be something to ask your local department about.

Good luck. I hope both your daughter and grandbaby get the help they need before any major damage is done.

kimlovescats

10-25-2006, 10:40 PM

Deb, prayer is the only thing that I have relied on thus far. Without my Faith in God, I would have crumbled long ago. I pray constantly for intervention, that He will show me the way, what to do, what I CAN do, and that most of all, He will send a guardian angel to protect baby Jenna. Of course I pray that He protects my precious daughter as well! I lie in bed at night and run terrible scenarios through my head of what might be happening and what COULD happen ... then I have to turn it over to God and ask for peace so that I can sleep.

I want so badly to rely on my Faith and to Trust fully in Him, but I prayed for years and years for my brother. He finally died in a pharmacy late one night while trying to get more pills. He fell out in the floor with a seizure, fractured his skull, and was brain dead. Finally after days of life support with no brain activity, my parents had to make the difficult decision to turn the machines off. He was my "big brother" .... he was physically handicapped since birth and although I was 8 years younger than him, I always felt very protective of him. We all prayed earnestly for him for years and years on end, and ultimately he died a horrible death. I still in my heart have not forsaken my Lord and I trust that He had His hand in what happened with my brother. It is taking every ounce of Faith I have, to continue to Trust and Believe that my girls are in His hands as well, but I do BELIEVE and TRUST in My LORD GOD!

Kim

Soapets

10-25-2006, 10:45 PM

My heart goes out to you.......... Just keep the faith, no matter what.........

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Deb

jazzcat

10-25-2006, 10:53 PM

Kim, I wish I could help somehow but you know that you have my support and my prayers.

Catty1

10-26-2006, 12:15 AM

that He will show me the way, what to do, what I CAN do

You and your sister can phone. Both of you.

Afraid of what "might" happen? You have to put that in God's hands.

Look at what is happening already....

hugs. You will do the right thing. You know that. There is only one choice, the way I see it.

I hope your faith is strong enough for you to partner with God and take the action only you and your sister can.

shais_mom

10-26-2006, 12:29 AM

I would definatly follow the advice of those here.
I am offering my prayers and thoughts for you also.

krazyaboutkatz

10-26-2006, 01:06 AM

Kim, I'm so sorry to hear this.:( My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

Pawsitive Thinking

10-26-2006, 05:23 AM

OMG! At least your daughter "confessed" to you which is a good first step. Sounds like she'd be better off without her husband in the picture.

If you fear for little Jenna's safety you have every right to take whatever action you need. She needs your protection right now.

Daisy and Delilah

10-26-2006, 06:09 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this Kim. You must be ready to collapse under this pressure. My heart goes out to you. I agree that someone needs to report this situation before it's too late. Some good advice has been given here. I also agree that your daughter needs to get away from this man. He sounds far too toxic and dangerous. It's easy for me to say this but not so easy to accomplish the right way. I understand completely.

I have a friend that has a sister with a very similar situation. Her daughter lived a life very much like you've described. With a young daughter in the house, she continued to hang out with the wrong crowd, use drugs, and generally ignore the fact that her child was present. My friend's sister(Grandmother of the little girl), took the child away from her daughter to save her from this life. She fought day and night, tooth and nail, until she gained custody of the child. The little girl is now a beautiful 12 year old, still living with her Grandmother, and living a wonderful, well adjusted, life. The girl's Mom finally gave up life in the fast lane, had another baby, and settled down. Bottom line....I believe you do have the rights to save Jenna from harm as her Grandmother. I don't know how your state laws work but I wish you all the best. My heart breaks for you. Please keep us updated. You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers.

I have to mention something. In the fact that your daughter is having such a hard time due to the absence in of her Dad in her life; maybe you could mention to her that she needs to take heed to that and look around to see what she's doing to her daughter by living like this. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Pam

10-26-2006, 06:19 AM

I have to mention something. In the fact that your daughter is having such a hard time due to the absence in of her Dad in her life; maybe you could mention to her that she needs to take heed to that and look around to see what she's doing to her daughter by living like this. {{{{HUGS}}}}

What wise words D&D, and this last paragraph really says a lot. Kim, maybe if your daughter can see that she is following in her dad's footsteps by not being there 100% for her daughter it might wake her up. Just because a parent is there on the premises doesn't mean that they are really there for their kids, especially if they are using drugs or alcohol.

Kim I am so glad your faith is strong and I pray that God will give you peace about this as you continue to ask for His help. I can't offer advice or words of wisdom but I can pray and I will. ((((hugs))))

catnapper

10-26-2006, 06:32 AM

Oh dear Kim! Things have progressed very badly since last we talked (((hugs)))

I would call child services - I know its scary but you have two lives to think of here. Your daughter isn't a lost cause, but she might very well be if she continues to stay with her wonderful husband. I know you were afraid of what they were doing in front of Jenna and now you know. If she told you one thing, might there be more that she hasn't revealed to you? Too scary to contemplate - which is why I'd call child services and make sure everyone gets the help they need to stop this destructive cycle they're on.

You know where I am if you need to talk

Sara luvs her Tinky

10-26-2006, 06:49 AM

It sounds to me like your daughter was asking for help when she was confessing to you. Maybe she is wanting you to do something because she feels like she can't.

It is good you are praying... God knows the best answer... but I think i would suggest calling child services too...

I think too that if it was bad enough that they do give the children to paternal relatives... Not that it would go that far.. but it sounds like your daughter wants help...

you guys will be in my prayers!

Maya & Inka's mommy

10-26-2006, 06:50 AM

Oh no Kimmie, that is so heartbreaking.... :( !!!
I feel so sorry for you, knowing how much you love your daugher and her little Jenna... .

Are you sure your cannot try to be the legal parents for Jenna? I am asking this, because I know of such a case. My best friend in Missouri did this with her daugher's kid. Thre were no drugs involved here, just hatred from mom to son... :( . If you want to know more, tell me; I will send you more info in a pm!
Tons of hugs, my dear Kim!!

Randi

10-26-2006, 07:23 AM

Kim, I'm so sorry you're going through this. :( When I was younger, I had friends/aquintances who were taking hard drugs, two times I had to get one girl into hospital to be pumped out, or she would have died. People not knowing drug addicts just won't believe the lies they come up with to get what they want - even to their closest family.

I think your daughter is at a stage where she can be "saved" though, but she needs to stay away from the father of her child to get any further in her life! Considering her age, she is probably very easy to influence, but she needs to hang out with entirely different friends.

Here, one of the things which worked, was showing documentaries to people like your daughter, where rehabilitated drug addicts told/showed what can happen. It is shocking to watch, but it might help her see what kind of life it can lead to.

Still, I think you should call the Child Services and at least have a chat about the situation, they're there to help!

Good luck!! :)

trayi52

10-26-2006, 07:26 AM

Kim, I am so sorry to hear this. It is so hard. I would absolutely call childrens services, and see what they can do about removing Jenna from the home and see about placing her with you for the safety of Jenna. This might wake Amy Beth up, and save her life as well! If I was closer, I would do it for you.

I will be praying very hard for you, Jenna, and Amy Beth. You really need prayers right now, and we all know that PT prayers really works. If you need to talk, you know where I am, Kim.

Hugs,
Willie

mugsy

10-26-2006, 07:38 AM

Call CPS....and do it soon...your grand daughter doesn't need to be in that environment. As an educator, I can tell you the results are not good when they child lives in a drug infested environment.

Also, check your state laws on Grandparent's rights. They do exist (at least in IN). A friend of mine got custody of her grand daughter by fighting in court. It's not easy, but, she did it!

Good luck and I will send my prayers and positive energy your direction!

Logan

10-26-2006, 08:56 AM

I have two friends who are raising their granddaughters as a result of their daughter's drug problems. Both have obtained legal custody, one of them has legally adopted the granddaughter. It certainly isn't what any of us planned for our "empty nest" years, but you gotta do what you gotta do. And you can only hope and pray that your daughter will see the light at some point. Jenna needs to be the priority, right now, though.

Kim, I'm sending many prayers your way, for you, for Jenna and for your daughter.

Logan

Christiansmommy

10-26-2006, 09:06 AM

I am so sorry to hear this :( I know calling child protective services probably sounds scary to both you and Jenna. Maybe if you told her that you were going to threaten to call if she didn't hand the baby over to you for a little while (if that is possible for you), then at least the baby would be in a better circumstance for the moment and she could realize the seriousness of it all...

I hope they get the help they need, and if your daughter isn't into it as much as her husband is, which by her cofessing to you about the drugs, she sounds maybe somewhat convicted over it, then maybe she can make a good move and make some changes...I will pray for you all. ((HUGS))) Thank God for your strong faith...w/o it how could we ever get through the hurdles life throws us?!!

Russian Blue

10-26-2006, 09:24 AM

I have to mention something. In the fact that your daughter is having such a hard time due to the absence in of her Dad in her life; maybe you could mention to her that she needs to take heed to that and look around to see what she's doing to her daughter by living like this.

I totally agree. Many times we place ourselves in situations without regard to our safety. But when pointed out that a child is following in your footsteps because of your actions...it may 'wake' her up a bit and get herself and her daughter into a safe environment.

Right now all you can do is call child services and make a report and see if they can offer other resources. I think you need to find a way so you can have 'control' of this situation before you fall apart in despair. By taking proactive steps (calling child services) you can place maybe one small part of your mind at ease. I'm sorry your going through this Kim - I can only imagine how upsetting and heartbreaking this is. :(

((( Hugs to you )))

borzoimom

10-26-2006, 09:31 AM

oh dear Lord.. I can help but not on this forum. Send me a private message..

Bengalz

10-26-2006, 09:57 AM

Kim,

There are so many people here ready and willing to give you all the support you need = emotionally and spiritually. You're in a tough situation and need the courage to act on it. Your daughter is clearly not able to make constructive decisions concerning herself or her child.

Although I have no solid advice to offer, you certainly have my thoughts and prayers, please take care.

Betty

ramanth

10-26-2006, 10:06 AM

I have no advice, but I'm sorry this is happening to your family. *HUGS*

TFTpwnsYou

10-26-2006, 11:19 AM

Well, she could have asked for help just by confessing. People don't just do that who are into drugs. You could report, and maybe give her that shock. If she wants help, she will get it. If not, no matter how many rehabs or hospitals if the person doesn't want to quit for themselves you cannot make them. It's sad, but true. I'm sorry you're having trouble with things. If anything she might just turn around on her own. You never know. But good luck with whatever may happen.

lizbud

10-26-2006, 11:43 AM

I am so sorry to hear about this situation in your family.All I can offer
is my prayers for strength & guidence for you in this sad situation.Whoever
described motherhood as" an endless ache in the heart" really knew what
they were talking about. ((Hugs)) Liz.

kimlovescats

10-26-2006, 04:03 PM

Everyone has such good advice, but it's so hard to explain all the "why's" as to how some of them won't work, or how I've tried some of them. Let me try to cover a few of the main points that have been mentioned.

When Amy Beth called me and "confessed" these things to me, she was with her "husband" at the time. I didn't know it at the time, but when I almost had her convinced to let me take her to a hospital, she said she needed to talk to him first. I asked if he was there, and she said yes! I was shocked! It is after she got off the phone and "talked it over" with him, that her tune changed. I'm still not too sure of what this whole confession was intended to accomplishment. I have a strong feeling that she was forced by him to make this call. My reasoning on this, is that he has always been quick to call me immediately when they were having problems and "tattle-tale" to me about my daughter. So very childish, whether the things were true or not. Some of the horrible things she "confessed" to this week, were things he told me over a year ago in one of his "tattle-tale" phone calls. A couple of days after that initial phone call, after they had "made up", he called and apologized, saying he had lied and that it was wrong. As much as I would have loved to believed that he made the things up, they sounded too "possible" to me, and I guess my mother's intuition told my heart that they were really true. He apparently felt bad about snitching on her and tried to rectify the situation with a lie. So ..... apparently as some sort of bargaining power over her in their newest attempt to reconcile, he forced her to "confess" to me. I'm sure that he does this because he knows how I feel about him and his criminal record, and misery loves company!

Another concern of mine, is that they are trying to move from their little rental house into an apartment in the next week or so. The reason being that some guy threatened to harm Amy Beth when she decided to move back in. He was under the influence of drugs at the time, and they were hiding from him out of fear. Supposedly he has since "apologized" while sober, but they feel the need to move where fewer of their "friends" and "acquaintances" can find them! This alone tells me they are dealing with some dangerous people!!!!! :mad: :(

Trust me, I want to call so badly!!! I want to put this off on DCS so much, put it into the control of a system that knows how to handle it. My biggest fear though, is that they will find nothing of any real proof, and all I will accomplish is losing my daughter and my grandbaby!!!!! I don't want baby Jenna to go into a foster home either. That poor child never knows where she is going to be sleeping from one night to the next as it is! She has terrible nightmares all night long at every place she sleeps!!! Can you imagine what it feels like to have your grandbaby screaming and pleading in words that you can't even understand, right beside you in your bed ... and be powerless to help her! I just hold her and rock her and try to make her feel secure, until the next night when she is dragged somewhere else! :(

Also, Amy Beth just found another good job (CNA) and seems so hopeful that things are going to be better. I know it is another delusion, and it won't change, but I can't betray her just yet. I have to let her see that things aren't going to change, and then give her an ultimatum .... go into rehab or I call DCS. The other factor though, is even is SHE gets help, it won't change her husband. There is always a brick wall at every turn.

Kim

catfamily

10-26-2006, 04:31 PM

Kim
I'm so sorry I missed this thread.First...I know how much losing your brother 12 years ago has devistated you.And I'm so sorry for that.I myself know what it's like to lose a dear very loved brother.
But your daughter really needs to get away from her husband.If not...if she herself CHOOSES to stay with him,you'll have to try to talk to someone who knows some angles on getting your grandchild away from both parents.Hopefully you can get both your daughter AND granddaughter away from that nasty man.He's a waste.And he's wasting both your daughter and eventually your baby grandaughter.If there is anything I can do to help..phonecalls...inquirys...anything,please let me know.I'm so sorry.This is so hard.Life is so hard.
Hugs and prayers.

Anita Cholaine

10-26-2006, 04:45 PM

Kim,
I'm so sorry about all this. Everything I can do is to send my prayers to you and all your family. I really hope the best for you, your daughter, Jenna and everyone involved.

((((((HUGS))))))

mustlovedogs

10-26-2006, 04:55 PM

How awful this must be for you! I am so sorry that this happened- hopefully everything works out soon! You will be in our thoughts and prayers- good luck with whatever happens!

QueenScoopalot

11-03-2006, 09:24 AM

Kim you are one of PTs sweetest people, and you must be so torn up over all this. :( My biggest fear right now would be what if baby Jenna got her hands on the substances your daughter and deadbeat husband are taking? Children are so curious by nature that even the thought of that precious little girl being exposed to drugs is scary, and even worse is what if she consumes some herself? I think an intervention is critical at this point in order to protect Amy Beth & Jenna. Her husband sounds like he will never change, and your daughter & grandbaby need to get away from him fast. :( Keep the faith Kim, and prayers for your family that help will come fast before it's all too late. (((HUGS)))

kimlovescats

11-08-2006, 07:59 PM

Well, Amy Beth left her husband AGAIN! She and baby Jenna moved back in with me this past weekend. She is working full-time as a CNA for an assisted living nursing home here in town. She works 2nd shift, so I put the baby to bed at night. I am very stressed having them here again, and it's not at all what I *want*, but at least I know that they are both safe.

Amy Beth convinced me that she was not *using* drugs on a regular basis ... basically just playing around with different ones as they were available. I know she certainly has no money for them now, and I know she isn't *hooked* at least for now either. I just pray that she never uses that mess again!!!! I won't be nieve though and assume she never will. :rolleyes:

I know most of you probably think I am still enabling her by letting her move back, but the ONLY reason if because of Jenna. Trust me, I WANT my life back, time for me and hubby, and not to be raising an "adult" child and grandbaby. I just don't know what else to do at this point. The word "trapped" comes to mind. :(

borzoimom

11-08-2006, 08:19 PM

Pam

11-08-2006, 08:22 PM

Kim, this post was good news to me. I would want her under my roof and AWAY from that loser, no matter how inconvenient things are right now. Kids move out and come back (it happened to me with my son after his divorce and he's still here. :) ) I would never accuse you of enabling her. If anything, you are freeing her from the influence of this guy and providing a safe healthy environment for your granddaughter. There will be time for you and hubby to be on your own. Right now your daughter needs you, even if it is mainly for purely financial reasons at the moment. Nevertheless, she is there every day and you can observe her and help care for Jenna. Once she gets her life and career on track she will probably want to find her own place (hopefully without him). Prayers still going up for you Kim and your situation. (((hugs)))

Karen

11-08-2006, 08:25 PM

Can you work with a social worker, to find Amy Beth a place of her own, away from the abuser, but not dependent on you?

At least Jenna will have some stability for the next little while. Does your family have a pastor that Amy Beth might trust for some counseling, because having her NOT go back to the wretch may be very, very difficult.

borzoimom

11-08-2006, 08:25 PM

bingo Pam!

sandragonfly

11-08-2006, 08:47 PM

kim, I sure hope your daughter's husband doesn't know where you all live! will you all be safe??

yup, I thought of social worker too, but the problem is if your daughter has your shelter, they would probably won't help because of safety reasons (amy beth and jenna are not in danger) but not hurt to try! have you talked to amy beth about her and her baby living with you yet? if you haven't, you should and could you help her with looking for new, cheaper and safer place??

I'm sorry you're having all of this stress, at least they have a safe place to stay for a while - we all never stay on top of mountain for too long anyway. :rolleyes:

try to take one thing at a time, and remember everything happens for a reason, always! hang in there, ((((kim))))

Catty1

11-08-2006, 09:11 PM

Kim- this situation won't last forever - as your daughter feels better and gets some money put away, she will want to move on.

I think contacting a shelter regarding counselling would be a very good idea. Many women keep "picking" the same kind of guy for no apparent reason. There might be a group for young moms who are out of bad marriages/relationships that she might really get a lot from.

Also, some short-term family counselling might help - if you told your daughter you would go with her, that might encourage her.

It's temporary. It IS a strain. God forbid there is a next time, but if there is - you have the option of calling Family Services.

I am GLAD they are both safe.

HUGS!

kimlovescats

11-08-2006, 09:51 PM

I appreciate the support on me allowing them to move back in! Pam, I don't mean to sound like it is a terrible burden, but she has moved "back" in and out again so many times now that I can't even count! :eek: This last incident is just the first time I have shared any of this here on PT! ;)
Another big issue is my 17 year old daughter. She is in her senior year of high school and is feeling very frustrated with all the "attention" that her sister is getting. There was even a time when she threatened that she wouldn't stay with me any more (only at her Dad's house) if Amy Beth moved back in. I try and try to explain to her that it is "not that easy" to put your child and especially grandchild out on the street!!! :( So... hopefully that explains my reluctance to move them back in once again. Oh.... my dear hubby is getting rather tired of hauling all of their stuff from point A to B to A again every few weeks! :rolleyes:

Kim

cyber-sibes

11-08-2006, 10:35 PM

You have my prayers, Kim. Letting her move back in was a really good choice. I hate to think of what could (and does) happen to children when they live in an environment like you describe. I hope your daughter will get some counseling so she can straighten out her life, for everyone's sake. You be sure to take care of yourself through all this stress, too. Sounds like you're the glue holding it all together. In fact, you may want to get some counseling for yourself, that's an awful lot of stress, and it's very difficult to think clearly when you are in the middle of the storm, especially when it involves your children. There are some wonderful compassionate people out there who can help you sort it out. God bless.

catfamily

11-09-2006, 02:49 AM

Sometimes moving back with the parents and having a child to care for can wake you up and realize that the life before was so bad and she'll try to get a better grip on life now with your help.I know it's very hard on you.I'm sorry your going through this.This is going to be a tough time for you so prayers are needed.I'll certainly pray for you and everyone living under your roof.

Pawsitive Thinking

11-09-2006, 03:47 AM

Its time to have a frank and open talk with your daughter - adult to adult. Explain that you will do all you can to help her but ultimately she has to take responsibility for her life and that of her baby and learn to fend for herself. I'm not saying give her a "sort yourself out or else" ultimation but she has to be made aware of the way her actions effect the rest of the family.

Its great that she knows she can come home to you but she is a grown up now.

Pam

11-09-2006, 05:42 AM

I appreciate the support on me allowing them to move back in! Pam, I don't mean to sound like it is a terrible burden, but she has moved "back" in and out again so many times now that I can't even count!
Kim

I understand Kim and realize it must be so hard. You must feel like you are on a roller coaster ride, one minute happy that she is accepting responsibility and then the next minute going through something like you have recently gone through.

It is a fine line indeed. You want to be there for her emotionally and physically but the conflicted feelings of others in your home must make you feel like you are winding up in the middle of all of this. Also, if you push too strongly for her to develop her *wings* and she isn't ready you could send her right back into his arms. :( Life is sure not easy Kim. I sure would never judge you. Until we walk in someone else's shoes we just don't understand. In the meantime I will keep your situation in my prayers. I am hoping that when she gets settled in her career she will meet lots of people that will be a good influence on her and she will realize there are other options out there rather than remaining with this guy.

Catty1

11-09-2006, 08:22 AM

If this moving HAS been back-and-forth, then the NEXT time you WILL have to call the family services people.

She will have to learn that she can't run back and forth on a whim - and that will teach her!

She does need help, if she likely to keep going back and forth. She likely doesn't know any other way. I hope she will agree to some counselling, or even talking to another woman who went through the same thing and won.

If she is interested, she will get very good first-hand feedback at http://www.authpro.com/cgi-bin/auth.fcgi

I have been a member there for years. I check it out every so often. There are good people there.

The actual board is called "Breaking Up Support II"

HUGS

Cataholic

11-09-2006, 01:53 PM

Oh, Kim! I am so glad to hear your daughter and grandbaby are back with you. I am nearly in tears. Sure, it isn't what you all hoped for, but, I don't think the two of them living in a shelter, on the streets, or with some loser was what you had hoped for, either.

Adults, even adult children, need some help, too.

kimlovescats

11-09-2006, 05:19 PM

Today I took Amy Beth to look at an apartment. I went home, talked to hubby, then went and paid the deposit ($200.00) and application fee ($30.00)while she was at work. We are signing for only a 3 month lease for now ... just as a trial run to see if she will do her part to keep it! Of course we will probably be paying as much as $300.00 per month towards her rent, but we aren't "saying" that to her just yet! ;) After the 3 months she will have (hopefully) completed her 90 days probation on her new job, and get a bit of a raise and health insurance.

I called her at work and told her the "deal". I made it clear (I hope) that this is "IT"! She has to work hard, be responsible and prove herself over the next 3 months. After that it is "sink or swim".

Kim

catfamily

11-09-2006, 05:53 PM

That was Quick Kim!You don't mess around ONE bit!Good Going!

luckies4me

11-09-2006, 09:03 PM

Good for you Kim!

I have a friend who is going through a similar situation. Her daughter just had a baby and he was born premature due to her daughter using meth. He is hooked up to machines. :( Her daughter is running around with a drug dealer, and no matter what she does her daughter will not stop. She has temporary custody of the child, which just might turn permanent. :(

caseysmom

11-09-2006, 09:06 PM

timlewis

11-10-2006, 09:20 AM

I may have the wrong idea of this but I just cant understand why you wouldnt want your daughter and grandchild living with you? If anything went wrong in my marriage my mom and dad would let me move in and out as many times as I wanted. And as someone said I dont know your situation but she is your daughter and as far as the 17 year old just explain that if it was her you would do the same thing and try to explain to her about her husband and your grandbaby.

lvpets2002

11-10-2006, 09:34 AM

:( I am so sorry Kim that you are going thru this.. I hope things do work out with the apartment and new job.. Hopefully your daughter will pick herself up for the baby and stay staight.. But She Has To Stay Off The Drugs.. PM anytime to talk ok .. Me & the girls send ((((( Prayers & Huggss)))))..

Catty1

11-10-2006, 10:02 AM

Tim - she mentioned that Amy Beth hs a pattern of moving in with them, back with him, in with them, back with him...this is really stressful. The pattern has to change, and I think this is a realistic and caring way of doing it.

Otherwise, she will likely go back to the guy again.

jazzcat

11-10-2006, 10:53 AM

Kim - I'm just now seeing all this and I'm so glad they are both out of that situation with the husband/dad. I'm also glad to hear about the apartment. Hopefully this time Amy Beth can make the clean break and fresh start on her own and not end back up with him or on your doorstep.

Timlewis - Kim has helped her daughter repeatedly. She is now helping her by getting her on her own two feet. I hope it works!

ILoveMyAbbyGirl

11-10-2006, 03:44 PM

I have been lurking around this thread for a long time just watching, but I'm glad you are trying to get Amy to stand on her own two feet again. I could almost imagine the same situation with my nephew and his mom. She doesn't do that stuff, but just the thought is enough to be upsetting.

You are soo soo brave and admirable. I'm so glad you are taking the time and money to help your daughter.

All the best for you, Kim. :) *hugs*

catfamily

11-10-2006, 04:03 PM

I'm so glad your getting her out and making her realize what life is about.You took her in and helped to get her out.
That is the best parenting I've ever witnessed.
A lot of parents let their kids move back in and STAY in...and they NEVER EVER learn to be on their own.
Great going and I consider you MOM of the year!
My mom kept letting my brother and his kid move back in anytime they wanted and now they are both very untrustworthy and use people and steel from others because they are use to things being handed to them.Lazy and don't think they should have to keep jobs or even be on time for anything...appointments or anything.No respect for anyone because they feel everything is owed to them.
My mom's fault.Killing them with kindness.Now they are useless!He's 50(my older brother and on drugs.) and his daughter now is a prostitute with aids,hanging with gangs and has her very own pimp.Lovely,huh?

kb2yjx

11-10-2006, 04:20 PM

Kim!!! I pray that this works out !!! The prayers keep coming!!! Sandra

I've been Frosted!!!

kimlovescats

11-10-2006, 04:43 PM

Tim .... I only started posting about my daughter after 3 years of her coming and going and being irresponsible. There is so much history with her, that it would take months to catch everyone up here. Trust me, we have put out thousands of dollars helping her, keeping her out of trouble, and even bailing her out of jail at one point! She has failed to keep a job .... whenever she actually HAD a job, and never has contributed anything to the household chores ... never cleaning up after herself, or being respectful in any way. As I said, a very loooooooooooong and painful history!

Most recently I tried the "tough love" approach but that is nearly impossible when you have an innocent 2 year old grandbaby involved. Amy Beth has become a master manipulator, so I have to be very careful in "how" I go about helping her at this point. I hope this clarifies it some for you, but then again, no one knows until they are in a situation like this .... and it is a very tough place to be. :(

EDIT: Her *real* father, packed all of her belongings and set them in the garage the day she turned 18 for when she came home from school. His whole *answer* to all of this is that I should have put her out on the street from the very beginning!!! :mad: :eek: This is another reason I can't turn my back on her .... she has abandonment issues because of her *father*. :(

Just taking it day by day and going on Faith!

Kim