Hubby makes me mad( good update first op )

[ashleycat]

Hubby doesn't want me to have Runner AND the bunny. hubby keeps saying he's going to take her to the pound(the bunny). I keep telling him.. NO you're not. I'm keeping her. !!!

He says.. but you promised you would get rid of her when you got the dog.

I said... no.. YOU said I could have BOTH.

He said.. I didn't say that. I said.. yes you did.

I told him. I love her, and I want to keep her. AND the dog.

Does he have any right to make me give up my animals? If I'M the one taking care of them. I mean... sure.. I don't bring the money home. But I take care of our daughter and the house and MY animals. Yes MY animals. He is not an animal person as you can tell. grrr

So I WILL be getting her fixed soon. But I think I will sneak the money out of our bank so he won't see the bill on our statement

Shop around for the cheapest stuff. I already know that american pet diner has GREAT hay 10 pounds for cheap that lasts a LONG time and STAYs fresh. I need to find my tractor supply for litter. I've been using carefresh or yesturdays news. And move her to a different location of the house. Maybe my craft room or something. I'm always in there.

Right now she's in the kitchen. But I think he's getting annoyed with her in there.

I'm trying the best I can to keep her.

What do YOU do when your spouse does this? Tries to make you give up your loved pet?

So you see. I'm becoming stronger. Standing up to him. Not letting him control me anymore. :)

---------------------------update
We just talked after him reading my letter.
he's letting me keep her because I explained how cheap it is to have her, and I have to move her out of the kitchen. Because he wants to get a dining room set.

He's letting me get the tat too, because I explained that they are small and next to my other one. He thought I was going to get something drastic.

He only doesnt want me wearing camis in public functions.

So we are better for now. We have counseling tomorrow

[chocolatepuppy]

What do YOU do when your spouse does this? Tries to make you give up your loved pet?

I would get rid of husband, sorry, that's just my opinion. ;)

[Cataholic]

ONLY, ONLY, ONLY cause you posted it in the form of a question: ANYone that "tells" me what I have to do is not someone worthy of my love, respect, commitment, etc. I know someon will say, "Oh, that is cause you aren't married...compromise, submission, blah, blah"....but, no WAY does someone "tell" me what I, an adult, does or doesn't do.

I would take the husband to the pound. To think you are actually concerned that he would take her to the pound, while he knows you care for her, is rather sick, IMO. :(

[Dorothy39]

Well, what's good for the "bunny" is good for the "honey" ;)

[Lori Jordan]

I think that it has to do with ignorance! My friends husband did this god almost 10 years ago,She had a beautiful Cocker Spaniel(8 at the time)They had a terrible Marriage,Anyways she gave the dog to her sister(he insisted)He was just mad i think because the dog got more attention then he did,Well off goes Blondie,She lived only a month and a half after that.Ya know what he did he went out and got an Old English Sheep dog,There beautiful dogs,But......She had to get rid of her blondie For him to go get a dog that he has always wanted was it fair?No Blondie passed away and i truly believe that an older dog should not be rehomed any dog in that case,Runner is a beautiful girl i think it is time you get rid of him!That is like saying ok i don't want my kid anymore,He has a choice,simple like it or leave,My husband would never do that to me and if he did after all the years we have been together,He would be on the first train,bus outta here!Good Luck to you!

[JenBKR]

I am glad that you are standing up for yourself. Does he often try to control you? In what ways? Does it seem like he might have control issues?

[Argranade]

I would get rid of husband, sorry, that's just my opinion. ;)


Haha I think thats excacly what I would do.

Your bunny is beautiful and Runner is such an awsome breed with neat colours. :D


Good on ya for talking back, dont let him touch those pets ya never know!

[ashleycat]

I am glad that you are standing up for yourself. Does he often try to control you? In what ways? Does it seem like he might have control issues?
He tries to tell me what I can and can't do.But I'm also in counseling and learning boundries and becoming stronger and my own person.

He doesn't raise his voice or anything violent. I'm just very submissive. It's what I learned growing up. Watching my mom put up with it from my step dad 14 years till she left. He was an alcoholic.

SO,, what do you do when in marriage.. Comprimise. He wants the bunny gone. What I do? Keep her, but find better ways to manage. INstead of moving her to the other room, she needs to be out in open for more socialization. So I'm moving the dining table back to the other room, and putting her stuff in place.

I can't tell him what he can and can't spend money on, so why should he tell me? Just because I don't bring home the bread, doesn't mean I'm not working either. !~

:D

[luvofallhorses]

I would get rid of the husband, too. ;)

[moosmom]

My first question is WHY does he want the bunny gone? Does she poo on the floor? Does she bite? Does she have a cage you can put her in?? If not, it sounds to me like a control thing. Definitely have her spayed. That gives him one less thing to bitch about.

How long have you been married?? Marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Just be careful. Relationships like the one you have described often turn violent. And I don't mean just violence towards the animals.

((((HUGS)))))

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Didn't you two discuss "pets" before you got married?? I would NEVER have accepted a hubby who doesn't like pets and has NO respect for mine :mad: :rolleyes:

[JenBKR]

Relationships like the one you have described often turn violent. And I don't mean just violence towards the animals.

((((HUGS)))))

That's along the same lines I was thinking - I'm not saying that he will necessarily get violent with you, but relationships with one partner controlling the other does often lead to domestic violence. Please, if you ever need to talk, PM me. ((((hugs))))

[ashleycat]

Didn't you two discuss "pets" before you got married?? I would NEVER have accepted a hubby who doesn't like pets and has NO respect for mine :mad: :rolleyes:
nope we didn't. I came with a cat lol. So.. lol

[ashleycat]

My first question is WHY does he want the bunny gone? Does she poo on the floor? Does she bite? Does she have a cage you can put her in?? If not, it sounds to me like a control thing. Definitely have her spayed. That gives him one less thing to bitch about.

How long have you been married?? Marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Just be careful. Relationships like the one you have described often turn violent. And I don't mean just violence towards the animals.

((((HUGS)))))
It's more of a money thing. Which I've told him I bargain shop for her. So she doesn't cost that much. He kinda flips out when I spend a bunch at petco. But he didn't see that not much of it was for the bunny. I spent for all of them. And not very often do I spend lots on them. It was more of a one total than small totals lol.

He is going to counseling with me too. We have the money to have my pets. He is into investing, saving and paying off credit. He's wrapped up into it. It's his hobby, tho he says it's not lol. My pets and my crafts are my hobby.

Hes got other hobbies too that take a lil $.

But all I can say is we're workin on it. :)

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

i had the same problem with my EX!!!!! husband! he was controlling and told me I could only have 1 cat no dogs no hamsters no nothing!!!!!! when my sister had to rehome Jupiter for a little while it was a HUGE battle just for me to convince him to let Jupiter stay with us..

Jupiter ended up staying for good :D and he realized having two cats wasn't so bad! Even bringing in the homeless kitties untill the no-kill shelter i like to work with could find them another foster home was a big fight with him all the time. People need to realize no one is going to fall down and die if there is more than one pet in the house!!!

Husbands are too much trouble!!!!!! ;) they stink!!!!!!! ;) :p :D

If by some crazy miracle i decided to get married agian... i would make sure they understood my strong feelings for animals and my need to have pets and rescue homeless ones!!!!!

[Dorothy39]

I'm glad that the two of you are working on it!! ;)

It's the old tug of War that often happens in a Marriage !!

( He just needs to take a look at his own spending habits!!!, without judging yours!!)

I think you two have this under control~~~keep your communication open!!! ;)

Oh, and, Keep that Bunny too!!! ;)

[Muddy4paws]

I would get rid of husband, sorry, that's just my opinion. ;)

You read my mind :D

Seriously, maybe hes a bit jealous of the animals? do you pay them 100% attention? I dont know much about bunnies can you but their stuff in bulk? maybe that will cut the costs down a bit?

[caseysmom]

A bunny can't cost too much, just try not to spend too much.

[ashleycat]

A bunny can't cost too much, just try not to spend too much.
LOL. I don't spend much. But how can you turn down a pretty colar for the kitty or doggie or what ever lol..

Well, now I make my own scarfs lol

[caseysmom]

Sounds like for a while you need to keep petco off the statement! Just try for a few months.

[ashleycat]

lol, yeah. well. when I wait last min to get supplies I go there. I need to go to the GOOD stuff lol.

[ashleycat]

oops

[moosmom]

Sara,


Husbands are too much trouble!!!!!! they stink!!!!!!!

AMEN to that, sister!!!!

[Prairie Purrs]

Well, I'm not the best resource for what makes a marriage work, :rolleyes: but if he's the type (like my ex) who insists that "he who makes the money makes the rules," then what I'd do is present him with a bill for household services. That might help bring it home to him that it's not just "his" money--it's money that's earned through a partnership to which you contribute. And partners have an equal right to decide how the partnership funds are spent. ;)

[Glacier]

Husbands are too much trouble!!!!!! ;) they stink!!!!!!! ;) :p :D


Only if you got the wrong one! The right one is much less trouble! :p

My husband knows better than ask me to choose between him and the critters. He's lose, not because I don't love him enough, but because if he truly loves me, he'd never ask me to make that choice. (He wouldn't in any case.)

Course the money issues you describe are exactly why we have no joint bank accounts. I make my own money and once I've covered my share of the household expenses, I can spend it on whatever I want to and he can't say a word. Likewise, when he goes a little nuts at the hardware store, I can't say a word!

[Catty1]

I like the idea of a bill for your household work. Housekeepers make $15 - $20 per hour.

I would suggest doing this at a counselling session though. Or suggesting doing it at the counselling session!

[BitsyNaceyDog]

Only if you got the wrong one! The right one is much less trouble! :p

My husband knows better than ask me to choose between him and the critters. He's lose, not because I don't love him enough, but because if he truly loves me, he'd never ask me to make that choice. (He wouldn't in any case.) Same here. Anyway Justin has brought home almost as many as I have.

[ashleycat]

I would love to do the bill for the housework ;)

Only I've already brought up giving me an allowance. And he has never gave me anything. Saying he wants to pay the bills/credit cards off first. In that rate I'll never see anything. Which is why I just get over feeling guilty about spending some and get what I need for myself, daugher and animals.

It's not like I'm running a farm here. No offense. Tho I would love to ;)lol.

I have my own small business making jewelry. But I'm not making squat off of it. In fact I'm loosing money due to buying supplies. But I keep telling him.. as long as I'm selling what I make yaddy yadda. I have lots of stuff I've made. Just gotta figure out where totake it to be sold.

I've bought business cards and post cards. 2 Car magnets one for my car, one for his.

His father is the boss in his house. Very strict. So I can already tell hubby is going to be strict. I'm laid back. I want our kids to have fun, but stay out of trouble. I want them to be able to talk to me about anything. Not be afraid to.

[BC_MoM]

It's YOUR bunny, and YOUR dog. He has NO right WHATSOEVER to take either of them or any of your other animals away from you... EVER.

[ashleycat]

I like you guys! =)

[Jessika]

I like you guys! =)
And we like you ;)

PS: to you and Jess, I haven't been on MSN because its been giving me problems... again. So I lurk here or play my nerdy game most of the time ;)

[BC_MoM]

https://meebo.com ;)

YOU NERD.

[chocolatepuppy]

Husbands are too much trouble!!!!!! ;) they stink!!!!!!! ;) :p :D

Depends on who your husband is I guess. ;) My husband loves our furkids, he's a great Mr. Mom. He's not crazy about my fish but tolerates them being all over the house. He never liked cats but now loves our two. He told me no cats, Sassys been here 7 years. Then when I brought Missy home he said he was moving out. :rolleyes: He's still here and so is she. :D

[ashleycat]

I use trillian messenger. Same thing as meebo. Ki nda

[ashleycat]

Depends on who your husband is I guess. ;) My husband loves our furkids, he's a great Mr. Mom. He's not crazy about my fish but tolerates them being all over the house. He never liked cats but now loves our two. He told me no cats, Sassys been here 7 years. Then when I brought Missy home he said he was moving out. :rolleyes: He's still here and so is she. :D
Yeah lol. My hubby keeps saying so too. Well, not HIM moving, but he's still here. They are still here.

[Jessika]

Depends on who your husband is I guess. ;) My husband loves our furkids, he's a great Mr. Mom. He's not crazy about my fish but tolerates them being all over the house. He never liked cats but now loves our two. He told me no cats, Sassys been here 7 years. Then when I brought Missy home he said he was moving out. :rolleyes: He's still here and so is she. :D
HJ is the same way. He l-o-v-e-s animals. He grew up with lots of pets. He is a cat person more than a dog person, but if you could just see him when he comes home from work every night... these two are so happy to see him and to see how happy he is to see them too... I would make it to the door to greet him too but these two always beat me lol

In fact, he is the one who told me that some day we are going to get a house with lots of acerage and open a boarding kennel once I finish school to become a vet and we will board animals. He doesn't just love animals, he respects them.

And I guess to some of you I'm getting married "young", but we've been together nearly 5 years, lived together for... well the greater part of 2 or 3 years, been on our own (completely, no help from mom or dad) for almost 2 years now, and engaged for about 2 years. And we very recently went through something that really put our relationship through the ultimate test (I don't feel like getting into it though...). And we are still together. We grew together, we met young sure but we grew together and I honestly can not even think about being with anyone else.

[ashleycat]

hubby plays with mine too. Seems awefly trying to rid of them huh :confused: lol

[G535]

Well, what's good for the "bunny" is good for the "honey" ;)

Thank you for my first laugh for a long time and I agree completely! :)

[Corinna]

I agree it'sthe one you pick. We dated for 3 years efore marrying. He knew what he was getting into. But he had only ever had 2 cats growing up, so geuss who has brought the series of large dogs home. right now the 2 newfs are his doing. He bought me the first angora rabbit(sure he didn't forsee 25 of them ad 25 meat rabbits(not that I bred them but I became the drop off for those cute easter bunnies that require work) He would find them n boxes on the front porch in the mornings. He never once comlaied about the feed costs. of bunnies on the dinner table as we ate. as i homeschooled or kids kept house and started a spining business . Even now after almost 28 years he doesn't say anything. In fact he just asked today if I wanted to have aother buny for my spinig demos.(after having to have my 14 year old bun pts from cancer) not sure i want ny more buns for a while he was the last of the herd . he newfs supply enough wool for now. Whith kids grown and new grand baby we want to travel and share te world with Charity I think no newpets for now.
If you have to sneck around to get what you want youhave a problem that needs attention fast before it gets worse how will the kids veiw mom being scared of dad not good.

[CelticDreamer]

~Sorry but Hubby has got to go lol I'm all for keeping animals forever & for always~

[Logan]

I think there are positives and negatives on both sides, frankly. His goal of eliminating debt is to be commended, truly. You will be in a much better place because of it. You can help minimize costs on things like collars and extras for your pets, but using the money wisely on quality food, bedding, etc. But I assume that he agreed on every addition, including the bunny, so he needs to deal with it.

All men aren't bad. I have a very special one now. It took a while. I suggest making every attempt to support his goal, which is a noble one, but he also has to understand waht the basic needs are for your child and for your pets.

Good luck to you. I'm glad you're going through counseling.

Logan

[ashleycat]

see, his using the excuse for paying off stuff is his controling me part too. He says that to me while going out and buying stuff for him. So I am confused.

[ashleycat]

He is a good man, in general. But having my personality makes him a lousy hubby.

If I was a stronger person, and didn't let him dominate me, I'm sure he would be a better husband.

[cyber-sibes]

He is a good man, in general. But having my personality makes him a lousy hubby. If I was a stronger person, and didn't let him dominate me, I'm sure he would be a better husband.Sorry, dear, your personality doesn't make him a lousy husband! The only person you can change is you, and if you change, it doesn't necessarily mean that he will change. He will be the same person / controlling husband he is now, until he decides to change. You have to decide what you can live with and pick your battles accordingly. Obviously your pets are extremely important to you (I think we can all relate to that here!). Perhaps there can be some compromise on both your parts? But his feeling like he should be the final word because he's the breadwinner sounds like he really has some issues to work on. You shouldn't have to sneak money or beg him for it. You're husband and wife, not employee-employer. (my ex treated me like that, which is one reason why he's my ex.) Good luck, sounds like you need to talk about this in counseling, it's important for you to be heard, and that may be the only setting you can bring it up in where he will hear you- because another person will also be listening.

[shais_mom]

ONLY, ONLY, ONLY cause you posted it in the form of a question: ANYone that "tells" me what I have to do is not someone worthy of my love, respect, commitment, etc. I know someon will say, "Oh, that is cause you aren't married...compromise, submission, blah, blah"....but, no WAY does someone "tell" me what I, an adult, does or doesn't do.

I would take the husband to the pound. To think you are actually concerned that he would take her to the pound, while he knows you care for her, is rather sick, IMO. :(

exactly -

I see way too many women in relationships like this and its sickening.


Sorry, dear, your personality doesn't make him a lousy husband!
exactly -
HE makes himself a lousy husband.

[catnapper]

I can't imagine being married to anyone who controlled me, but I also would never let someone do it. I'm too strong a person and if you ask hubby, I am the controlling one around here ;)

He recently gave me an ultimatium about Allen's peeing. Allen's still peeing everywhere and is still here --- I think he just gets frustrated because we're broker than broke and the house is falling apart around our ears.... at least it shouldn't smell like cat pee! I agree with him but I can't seem to convince Allen not to pee! Ah, but I digress!

My dad is a LOT like your hubby. Mom is stronger than she thinks and getting stronger every day. Dad always said "White walls only!" so last week I painted their livingroom yellow (which he actually liked!), and yesterday I came over while he was at work and painted her kitchen VERY green -- at HER request! I wonder what his reaction was when he came home? LOL He also watched every single penny she spent. So years ago, she realized that she could get money back at the grocery store. She clipped coupons and such more so than ever, then would funnel $20 each week extra at the supermarket. Not that its right, but it gives her some spending cash and avoids many fights over money. My brother and I think its weird that she has to hide money like that about money but it works for her and gives her some freedom.

[shais_mom]

I'm also a pretty submissive person and will allow people to run over me - but when it comes to my pets that's where I draw the line. Course I've never been in a long term relationship but I also know what I want out of one. Which is probably why I haven't been in one b/c that person doesn't exist! :confused:

[popcornbird]

For those of you who say 'get rid of the husband'...or 'husband's stink'...I must say one thing.

There are also many wives in this world who 'stink', and many husbands have wives who would be nice to get rid off too. Don't make generalizations. There is a HUGE amount of people out there in the world who have a beautiful relationship with their husbands.

Husbands do NOT stink. Bad people stink...whether male or female, husband or wife. Inconsiderate people stink. Unloving people stink. If you are blessed with a GOOD husband, there is hardly anything that could be a greater blessing in this world. I would NEVER choose an animal over my husband. NEVER. Yes I love animals, and would love to have a whole herd of cats in my house, but you know what? My husband comes first. The LOVE he gives me can never be given to me by an animal, no matter what anyone says. There is something special about the love of a good husband, and the love of an animal, no matter how great, cannot compare to the sincere, devoted love of a human being who takes you as the greatest and most dear soul in his life. That being said, I made sure he loved animals, and would be accepting of my pets in the household *before* we got married, because I love animals, and being prevented from them would not be something I could deal with.

I'm not saying there aren't bad husbands out there. There are many...but to lump all husbands in that generallization is nothing less than disgusting.
Marriage is a contract between two people...a contract based on love, affection, trust, sincerity towards each other...and when done properly, there is nothing more beautiful in the world. The problem in this world is that people don't have any toleration for each other. Husbands don't tolerate the wife's wishes. Wives don't tolerate their husband's concerns. Its no wonder the divorce rate is so high. Marriage is beautiful when you make it beautiful...not when you base life on 'expecting' your spouse to give you everything you want. That is immature. No one can have EVERYTHING they want. Though spouses should respect each others' wishes and try their best to do things that would keep their significant other happy, there will come times when either one of the partners will HAVE TO compromise for the other, and sometimes, it is for the best. Where is the love when you can't make compromises for each other? Why are people so selfish? There was a time when family and family life, caring for each other, etc. was supposed to be a top priority for most people in society. Its a sad thing when family members become a last priority. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says 'wrong things' sometimes. You don't get 'rid of' family members unless the situation is severe and incurable. Marriage is not about *he's controlling me* or *she's controlling me*. Its about partnership, and you work through life hand in hand, and make decisions together as a family. The solution to problems is not 'get rid of the husband'...the solution to problems is to communicate and come to a conclusion. Her husband is not abusing her, or hurting her, or speaking harshly with her. A small disagreement on a pet should NEVER lead to getting rid of the husband or wife. My gosh...

Now all this is my general feeling on what people are saying here.

As to your husband, Ashleycat, I don't live in your household to know both sides of the story. I understand you love your bunny, and certainly won't want to get rid of him, but you do have to be mindful of your husband's feelings at the same time. That doesn't mean 'get rid of the bunny'. That just means, try to work things out...and I'm sure you are already doing that. The best thing to do is to talk, talk, talk. Communication in very important in marriage. You tell him what you want, he tells you what he wants, and you come to a joint decision together, somewhere in the middle. Your husband should be mindful of your feelings, but you could also try to reduce the amount you spend on the rabbit where you can.

[emily_the_spoiled]

If I remember correctly your husband is working as a pharmacist at Walmart right???

If that is the case I have a VERY good idea of how much he makes and the amount you spend on your bunny is a pittance and this is more of an issue of control than money :rolleyes:

People here make some valid points, in that a marriage is a contract to be worked out. Unfortunately if one party is intractable it makes it very difficult to work out anything. Only you can make the decisions that will make you happy. But as cyber-smiles wrote "only you can change you" and how you react and what you do in response to this situation.

[pitc9]

I'm also a pretty submissive person and will allow people to run over me - but when it comes to my pets that's where I draw the line.

Ditto here!

My hubby and I have been together for 13 years (married for 5 of those years) and we've never had "the perfect" marriage.
We have to work Very hard to keep the peace.
Enter Buddy in December of 2002.
Yikes! :eek:
Buddy H-A-T-E-D him from the get go. Rick (the hubby) told me to get rid of him. Rick is the only person the Buddy has snapped at, and he did it twice in the first year.
Needless to say our Bad marriage got worse and one night we had it out, he said if you love the dog that much then leave and take him with you. So the next morning he left for work and I started packing. He came back home 2 hours later and asked where I was going. DUH!!
So... 3 1/2 years later, Buddy hates Rick, Rick hates Buddy and they're both still here! But the door's still open for the Hubby to leave if he wants to! :D
Something that means so much should never be forcefuly taken away from you by someone that loves you.

[ashleycat]

actually he works for WalGREENS lol and is pharmacist manager

yesturdays battle... I wanted to get my 2nd tattoo. A small closed wing butterfly on each shoulder to match the one I already have. He tells me, if I get another tattoo, he will get rid of my bunny.

I told him he can't tell me what I can and can't do to my body. If he wants to have tons of tattoos, or whatever to his body, then so be it if it makes him happy.

He is my husband, not my father. But most of the time, I feel like he is my father.

So, after I told him he can't tell me what I can't do. I shoved his chair, and kicked off my sandles which went flying. I got DD ready to go, went to park, went to mall, but the child area was closed. Tried to see a movie, but she woudln't sit still. Went to a park again and played. Then we sat in the car for a while. I was gone for about 4 hours or so. Then I cam home. We haven't spoke since.

then today... I get up and wash the car. I see tom head out with my bunny. Getting ready to take her to the pound.

I told him I didn't get the Fn tattoo. HOw am I supposed to get one with a Fn 2 year old with me??

So he put her back.

the tatt isn't important. What got me is the control issue and that he is using my pets to do so.

I don't think he will change. I can't put up with it AND be happy. I hate feeling like a child. I had a dad. I want a husband, not a father. So my option would be to leave. I just need to figure out what and how I'm going to do.

I'm the one that's starting to get violent towards him. I didn't even cry about the above. I just got really mad. So what does that mean?

[caseysmom]

Well my sister won't let her husband get a tattoo if that makes you feel any better. :D

I honestly don't know what to tell you but him taking the bunny because of the tattoo is pretty mean spirited.

[ashleycat]

but do the spouses have any right to tell the other they can't get one? I'm sure they have a right to tell them how they feel. But to tell them they CAN'T. I don't get it.

I still can't beleive he was taking off with my bunny.

[caseysmom]

No honestly its your body but if my husband was really against a tattoo I probably wouldn't get one because harmony in your marriage is more important.

[ashleycat]

I didn't get it cus I didn't want Annie going anywhere.

I mean, it's not like I'm betting something huge, it can easily be covered by a shirt. I already have one.

[caseysmom]

Sounds like both of you need to work on compromise, right now it sounds like you are both angry at each other and working against each other. Marriage is a lot of work and frustrating at times, both sides need to compromise.

If money is tight a tattoo is also an unnessary expense.

[Logan]

Are you even trying to get along with your husband???? :confused:

Is he covered with tattoos and constantly getting more? If so, I say "shame on him" for forbidding you to get another one.

Your marriage certainly doesn't seem to be based on love and respect, and I feel horrible for you pets, but I feel worse for your child.

Please take a long, hard look at things and try to work this out for sake of the child that the two of you created.

Just my two cents worth. I have had a failed marriage, and I was single for 10 years before I remarried, but my child came first. Thankfully, my second huband understood that and has been a positive influence on her life.

Logan

[ashleycat]

he comesfrom a strict conservative catholic family. While I come from the exact oposite. We've had problems for a while now. I did everything to make him happy. Hes very easy to make happy. All I have to do is take care of house, cook and raise our daughter. He keeps saying he will try to do better. Even admitted his controlling. But it's been 4-5 years, and I'm tired of always having the talk with him.

I don't want our daughter growing up thinking she has to do everything someone says, I want her to be her own person. Not what someone molds her to be.

I tried to comprimise. I'm a stay at home mom. And I do things he wants me to do. Like take her to daycare. Which I love having her here. I tried to go to school. Like I promised him, but I got preg my first semester. It always seems everything is about him. I dunno. I'm lost.

He's even heard about comprimising from the counselor. He's not going to change. We don't mesh well. We are complete oposites.

[caseysmom]

I am not sure what advice to give you but raising your child on your own is going to be very difficult.

No matter what anyone says I don't believe relationships are 50/50 all the time, sometimes you end up giving more or taking more. I think you should have a heart to heart talk with your husband and set milestones for your marriage.

[ashleycat]

I hope you mean financially. I've basically been raising her on my own. Even with him here. He does nothing with her or for her. I try to encourage him to. He doesn't even really watch her.

[caseysmom]

Well to be honest maybe you should try to separate if you see no hope, do you still love him? Does he want to stay together?

[ashleycat]

He wants to stay together. I've lost my " inlove" with him long ago. I've tried to make it work. But he keeps getting worse. I keep getting madder.

[shais_mom]

For those of you who say 'get rid of the husband'...or 'husband's stink'...I must say one thing.

There are also many wives in this world who 'stink', and many husbands have wives who would be nice to get rid off too. Don't make generalizations. There is a HUGE amount of people out there in the world who have a beautiful relationship with their husbands.

I would NEVER choose an animal over my husband. NEVER. Yes I love animals, and would love to have a whole herd of cats in my house, but you know what? My husband comes first.

Marriage is a contract between two people...a contract based on love, affection, trust, don't get 'rid of' family members unless the situation is severe and incurable. Marriage is not about *he's controlling me* or *she's controlling me*.



w:eek:w pops - you stated your soap box now I'll state mine.
While I have never been married - I think that people that are in a commited equal relationship marriage is great. My parents have a fabulous marriage- my dad respects my mom and dotes on her and is just as in love with her now as he was 45 years ago. That said - that is probably why I haven't found anyone yet b/c I want someone that treats ME that way. My sister is married and quite frankly she needs to get a backbone b/c she isn't treated very well by her husband OR now her children. I will not let that happen to me. My dad jokes that he spoiled me growing up that I'll never find a man that does for me what he did and that is why I haven't found anyone. HE jokes - but the fact of the matter is - it rings with cold hard truth. I was raised to be respected in if I don't always respect myself - unfortunately my sister didn't follow their lead.


Her husband is not abusing her, or hurting her, or speaking harshly with her.
Actually in my opinion his attempt at controlling her and him leaving with the bunny is a form of abuse - mental and emotional which while they don't bear the physical signs is some of the worst kind. He has her believing she isn't worthy and in order to have his love she must get rid of the animals and that is wrong.
A lot of other people said that their significant other has stated - "it" goes or I go - but very few have had them follow thru with it. These are the ones that attempt controlling and are challenged and back down. He actually tried to follow thru with it. In your case you say that your husband comes first and that's all well and good but in Ashley's case - SHE needs to come first. B/c his behaivor can only escalate. She stated that she saw her mom live thru it and in a lot of cases young women/kids are attracted to what their parents had - in her case her mother's relationship and in my case - my parents have a great marriage - keep in mind I didn't say perfect either.

[Catty1]

Ashley - at least in the counselling - maybe there can be an agreement for a temporary separation until he demonstrates he has changed.

Sounds like you and your daughter and the pets could use a break!

I do wish you both the best, and am glad you are BOTH seeing the counsellor.

I don't mean to offend - but I saw a cartoon in New Woman magazine about 20 years ago. A woman was standing at an ironing board working away, and calling out to her tv-watching husband in the other room: "I want a divorce - but I'll stay on as housekeeper for $800 a month." :D

Of course, rates HAVE gone up!

hugs!

[ashleycat]

Ashley - at least in the counselling - maybe there can be an agreement for a temporary separation until he demonstrates he has changed.

Sounds like you and your daughter and the pets could use a break!

I do wish you both the best, and am glad you are BOTH seeing the counsellor.

I don't mean to offend - but I saw a cartoon in New Woman magazine about 20 years ago. A woman was standing at an ironing board working away, and calling out to her tv-watching husband in the other room: "I want a divorce - but I'll stay on as housekeeper for $800 a month." :D

Of course, rates HAVE gone up!

hugs!ha ha ha ha.. That's funny.

[Cataholic]

As one of my bosses loves to say, "the truth comes out in layers". I do NOT mean that you were lying- not at all. Just that the snippet you told in the OP was FAR from how abusive things actually are.

I **knew** there was more, as most 'loving' people don't act like this to one another. You are in a mess of a situation. Uneducated, young (or, it seems), no job and a child. Your husband probably recognizes this, so, he walks all the heck over you, knowing you can't do much about the situation. Shame on him.

But, that doesn't change what you need to do- first, protect your daughter. She is entitled to a home environment free from adults kicking chairs, flinging sandals, taking pets from the home, whatever. (And, btw, why would your daughter be in daycare if you don't work outside the home???? What an expenditure). You need to go back to school. Okay, you got pregnant in your first semester. Last I checked, pregnancy takes 9 months...so, you could have had most of a year done, if not all of it. How old is your daugher? Why haven't you gone back? I do think you are in a bad situation, but, don't make it worse on yourself by playing the victim.

And, whatEVER would make you decide to go get a tatoo, with your child, when money is 'tight' (wasn't that the reason for the bunny?). Really, if I was running around town, with my toddler in tow, getting my second tatoo, maybe my husband would be a little upset, too.

[shais_mom]

[QUOTE=Cataholic] Just that the snippet you told in the OP was FAR from how abusive things actually are.

[QUOTE]
I think anytime there is an ultimatum and the person follows thru - at the expense of an innocent animal and a child involved - is abuse.
And if she allows things to escalate I see them getting ugly.

[ashleycat]

I didn't get the tattoo. How could I with my girl with me? I think he's pretty ... not thinking. He thought I got it because I was gone for a few hours. I was mad at him so I took my daugher to the park, mall, then park again. I also didn't get it because I don't want my bunny going to the pound.
He didn't say anything about money when I wanted to get the tattoo. He sais I already have one, he doesn't want me getting anymore. All I wanted were 2 SMALL closed wing butterflies next to the one I have. Nothing drastic.

She goes to daycare 3 days a week from 9-2. It's more of a learning center. For interaction with other kids and to get used to being away from me. His idea, not mine.

I wasn't always acting out physically. Few months after she was born, he started the passive agressive behaviour and controlling more. Thus I get depressed and develop short temper. I'm taking meds now, but they aren't working. For a while I thought I had post partum depression. It took counseling to see that it's.

money isn't really tight. He uses that excuse to control me. He complains when I spend money on my pets, but turns around and gives hundreds to his friends. Including supporting his brother that is taking advantage of him.

As for school.. I have a small learning disorder. So I can only take 2 classes at a time distraction free in order to pass. In highschool, I got bad grades. In college, the same algebra and english. No distractions, no work, no kids. I passed with A's. I tried to finish my 2nd semester. But ended up going into labor before it was up. My daughter isreally clingy. And I have a hard enough time cooking and cleaning w/her on my hip, so I don't think I could study.

[Samantha Puppy]

If you aren't willing to work at changing things and instead come up with excuse after excuse about why you are where you are in life, things are never going to get better for you.

Sorry, but it's true.

Good luck

[Cataholic]

I have NO education or experience in childhood development. None. But, I wonder if your child (how old is she??) is 'clingy' because of the situation at home. My child, and the ONLY one I have any experience with, is an only child, not around kids, or other people that much (yikes, I am raising a freak!), but, he is as far from clingy as can be. Maybe just personality differences?

9-2 is a super long day, not to mention it essentially encompasses all toddler nap times. So, maybe clingy is something else?

I think you are in a bad situation. :(

[shais_mom]

i don't think there is anything wrong with your daughter being in daycare even tho you don't work outside the home. She does need the interaction with other kids and spending time away from you. You said she's clingy. That is probably due to you being home with her a lot - so the daycare should help that a lot.

[Cataholic]

If you aren't willing to work at changing things and instead come up with excuse after excuse about why you are where you are in life, things are never going to get better for you.

Sorry, but it's true.

Good luck

SP- you said it way better than I could. I can think of several people that 'have it bad', but, are working their tails off to improve there situation. How old are you?

[Samantha Puppy]

SP- you said it way better than I could. I can think of several people that 'have it bad', but, are working their tails off to improve there situation. How old are you?I'm one of them. I'm 28.

[Cataholic]

i don't think there is anything wrong with your daughter being in daycare even tho you don't work outside the home. She does need the interaction with other kids and spending time away from you. You said she's clingy. That is probably due to you being home with her a lot - so the daycare should help that a lot.


From a development standpoint, toddlers (and I don't know how old her child is) do not 'need others' (aka, socialization) until they are 3. They do parallel play, and do not interact, aka, socialize, until that age. Kids are clingy for many reasons. I am not sure it is from too much time with their primary caregiver. She isn't home with her mom 'alot' if she is in daycare 3 days a week, really. I am not a fan of daycare, and do realize it is a necessary evil. But, it isn't in this situation, and could be a factor of the home life.

[Cataholic]

I'm one of them. I'm 28.


Goofball! I didn't mean you, age wise...I already knew about your age. I meant the OP. She sounds young.

And, you are a tail worker offer, btw. :D

[Samantha Puppy]

Goofball! I didn't mean you, age wise...I already knew about your age. I meant the OP. She sounds young.

And, you are a tail worker offer, btw. :DI agree, she does sound quite young.

Yep, I am a tail worker offer. I am a firm believer in that you have to work for things you want and that life was never supposed to be a cakewalk. You gotta do what you gotta do, even if it's what you don't want to do. You have little right to complain about your life choices if you aren't willing to admit mistakes/defeats/hardships, learn from them and try again.

[ashleycat]

It was his idea. She is 2 yrs, and has only been going for a month. She's always been clingy. From the day she was born I held her always.

I didn't want her going because I've had bad things always happen to me in care of someone else.

She does get a nap there. She lays down and just falls asleep like everyone else. From day one shes done that.

Now at home... call me a weirdo if you must, but I still breastfeed. And she still nurses to sleep and won't go w/o it.

[ashleycat]

I got with him at 17, he was 21. Married at 19, now I a m24

[Cataholic]

I would be the last person to call you weird for BF a toddler. Seeing that I still BF Jonah, twice a day. I had Jonah in 'preschool', for 3 visits, my mom went with him. It didn't work. He wasn't ready. Not cause he was clingy, but, developmentally, he wasn't ready. I would not leave my two year old in the hands of someone else (excluding my family, of course) unless it was absolutely necessary. Couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. To hear you say that you had fears of her going, as something bad happens you when you were/are left in the care of others makes me question your duty to your child. I don't care how married you are, or, if he is the husband to top all husbands, no one controls my responsibility to my child except me.

[Queen of Poop]

Does your counsellor know all of what is going on? Are you two being completely honest with your counsellor? It sounds to me that you both need to be doing alot more work on your relationship than is currently being done. Yes, he's controlling and yes you are rebelling against his controls. But at what cost? I think you need to sit down and really think about what it is that you want and whether you can remain in this marriage. Your counsellor really needs to be doing more work to get you two on the same page, if that is indeed what you want. Get to the counsellor right away, both of you and both of you be honest about your situation. I'm thinking the counsellor might recommend a separation period.

[ashleycat]

also.. he thinks she will start speaking sentances from going there. But I know a child that is her age speaking sentances and has never been in daycare

[Cataholic]

also.. he thinks she will start speaking sentances from going there. But I know a child that is her age speaking sentances and has never been in daycare

She is TWO!!!!! Kids learn to talk at different ages, even girls. Sheesh, Louise. You are so chock full of excuses. I wonder why you couldn't give half of these excuses, or ones like them, up to your husband, and stick your ground.

To think your child is in daycare while you rant on the internet. Sorry, but, you have clearly made your choice in this. Too bad for your child and your pets. The two adults in the relationship are getting JUST what they are entitled to. Sad.

[JenBKR]

Ashleycat - what do you want to see happen? what would be your ideal?

[ashleycat]

I would be the last person to call you weird for BF a toddler. Seeing that I still BF Jonah, twice a day. I had Jonah in 'preschool', for 3 visits, my mom went with him. It didn't work. He wasn't ready. Not cause he was clingy, but, developmentally, he wasn't ready. I would not leave my two year old in the hands of someone else (excluding my family, of course) unless it was absolutely necessary. Couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. To hear you say that you had fears of her going, as something bad happens you when you were/are left in the care of others makes me question your duty to your child. I don't care how married you are, or, if he is the husband to top all husbands, no one controls my responsibility to my child except me.
He kept pushing me to take her. All because his friend did the same thing. My girl is the reason why I want to stay home.

We are complete opposites too.

I'm liberal an hes conservative.

I'm into tat, peircing, animals and art. He is into collecting art for investments only, money, no animals and nice things.

His family is really strict. He's always trying to impress them. His father is a retired ambassador.

[JenBKR]

IMO being opposite it not necessarily a bad thing, I am opposite from my husband in many ways. It truly can be worked out.

[Cataholic]

I am seriously beginning to think this is all a big joke. Do you read what you type? My goodness! To think a child is involved in this. Is there something wrong with you? He talked you into it? Your child is the reason YOU stay home? To bad your CHILD doesn't get to stay home. That doesn't even make a lick of sense.

I don't care if he is the next King of England. Where is your sense of duty and responsibililty to this situation?

[shais_mom]

Goodluck in whatever you decide to do. I'm washing my hands of this.
I'm not married.
I'm not a mom.
I'm not involved.
Toodles to you!

[Samantha Puppy]

He kept pushing me to take her. All because his friend did the same thing. So?
We are complete opposites too. So?
I'm liberal an hes conservative. So?
I'm into tat, peircing, animals and art. He is into collecting art for investments only, money, no animals and nice things. So?
His family is really strict. He's always trying to impress them. His father is a retired ambassador.So?

I am on board with Joh on this one. I feel for the animals and the baby. But the parents are reaping what they have sowed.

[ashleycat]

shes home now, asleep in my arms. She has a cold and fell asleep again.

When she goes there, I'm not on here. I am cleaning and making crafts for my website.

Like I've said. She has only been going for a month. He was pushing me to get her going. Him, his friends, my mom. They all seem to know whats better. I know I have a hard time standing up to them.

Since I've started counselling.. I'm trying to get my confidence back. Become a stronger person. But even she says she would benefit going there.

[JenBKR]

I think I've read before that you have depression? Or was it something else? I can't remember now...have you been getting any counseling for that? Or is your counseling couples therapy?

[Cataholic]

s
Since I've started counselling.. I'm trying to get my confidence back. Become a stronger person. But even she says she would benefit going there.


If ONLY to see some positive role modelling. And, frankly, I think you are lying out your tush. Out. Your. Tush.

"Everyone" can tell you what to do? Great! Take 25% of the advice offered here and ACT on it. That won't work, though, will it? NOOOOOOO....that requires hard work, dedication, commitment. You are kind of lacking those skills, sweetie. Your poor, poor daughter.


Oh, I know! I know! Since your conselor seems keen on telling you what to do, take this whole thread, and show it to her. Let her read it, in its entirety. See what she says, then! Fat chance, I know, right?

[ashleycat]

counseling is for me, but he goes with me now.

I'm depressed because of how he treats me, his passive agressiveness. I thought it was post partum till my counselor told me his behviour is causing it.

[Cataholic]

counseling is for me, but he goes with me now.

I'm depressed because of how he treats me, his passive agressiveness. I thought it was post partum till my counselor told me his behviour is causing it.

There is absolutely NO WAY your counselor is telling you your husband's behaviour is causing your depression. Ain't. No. Way.

[ashleycat]

I've been trying to make it work for a long time now. I've been talking with him all the time. He keeps saying he will try harder to make me stay, but he keeps falling back.

[Samantha Puppy]

So your husband tells you what to do. Your counsellor tells you how to feel. Do you do any sort of critical thinking on your own? :rolleyes:

[ashleycat]

well. beleive what you want. Only I know my situation.

[catnapper]

Wow, this thread has progressed and I agree with everyone here. I thought all night about this and now that more info is coming to light..... if a tattoo is SO important to throw your family away, then there's something more here than a tattoo. The tattoo is the tangible thing to fight over.

You don't seem to know what you want or even who you are. I am sad for you.

The big question in my mind is if you are so different than why did you even date in the first place? My husband and I are opposites but we work very well together. Just about every couple can list a dozen things where they are opposites. Does that mean they clash on all fronts? No. It just means they have their own minds and own interests -- thats GOOD for a marriage. We don't all want to be carbon copies of each other.

It sounds as if neither are willing to change. You both have dug in your heels and are fighting tooth and nail for THEIR way of thinking and no longer comprimising. I feel sorry for everyone involved.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I would get rid of husband, sorry, that's just my opinion. ;)

Hey! Me too!!

[ashleycat]

the tattoo isn't what I'm fighting about. It's him controling me. I'm tired of him controling me.

we were together in the beg because we liked eachother. He said he liked me for me. But is now not letting me be.

[Samantha Puppy]

Aaaaaaaaaaand so we go back to my comment from two pages ago.
If you aren't willing to work at changing things and instead come up with excuse after excuse about why you are where you are in life, things are never going to get better for you.
Good luck with it. I think you've about exhausted your sympathies here.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I've been trying to make it work for a long time now. I've been talking with him all the time. He keeps saying he will try harder to make me stay, but he keeps falling back.

He shouldn't have to try to make you stay - you should be there because that's where you want to be

[Ginger's Mom]

By losing control of yourself, throwing things, kicking things, etc., you are acting like a child, and your husband will continue to treat you like a child. I think you need to find a new counselor. One who can guide you toward learning to think and act like an adult in new and different situations. Sometimes common sense isn't so common (I have none ;) ), but you can learn how to think and survive on your own in an adult world. You may want to think about changing counselors.

And Johanna and Jaime, I really agree with you about people who live their lives playing the victim as opposed to taking control. Let me also add, that taking control doesn't always mean "winning" but learning how to make the best of the results of any situation.

[ashleycat]

I've only started acting out in the past 1 1/2 years. I start feeling this feeling in my chest like my heart is just racing. I need to buy a punching bag to let it out. I've always kept my anger inside. I paint and make jewelry. but I guess I've just got so much built up, that those things no longer help.

[Ginger's Mom]

Letting anger out is a good thing. Letting it out in a way that may be physically intimidating to another (throwing and kicking things), is not. Again, perhaps different counselor may be able to guide you in a manner that will help you to improve things for yourself and, consequently, for your family.

[ashleycat]

I just bought a card, cake and a gift book.

I'm going to write an apology for the way I acted.

I'll tell him that we can use the tatoo money and go shopping for clothes for me that HE wants me to wear. But I have a say in wether or not I like it. And if getting rid of the bunny means sooooooo much, then I guess I'll have to rehome her. Having her has caused a few fights. It's not worth it. Although I would hate to see her go. I love her. I do have a cat and dog.

Hopefully he will apologize too.

I think I need to updose my meds to get better control over my outburst. As they are reletively new and not been able to handle them yet.

We both have problems. We are working on them. I'm just getting anxious because I want to be better now. It's hard living unhappy.

[My Peanuts]

I just bought a card, cake and a gift book.

I'm going to write an apology for the way I acted.

I'll tell him that we can use the tatoo money and go shopping for clothes for me that HE wants me to wear. But I have a say in wether or not I like it. And if getting rid of the bunny means sooooooo much, then I guess I'll have to rehome her. Having her has caused a few fights. It's not worth it. Although I would hate to see her go. I love her. I do have a cat and dog.

Hopefully he will apologize too.

I think I need to updose my meds to get better control over my outburst. As they are reletively new and not been able to handle them yet.

We both have problems. We are working on them. I'm just getting anxious because I want to be better now. It's hard living unhappy.

I've been following this and it is so ridiculous. So this entire thread is for NOTHING because you are letting him control you again. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but if you EVER post about him controlling you again you are an idiot. You did nothing about it and just gave in!

Your husband gives you no allowance and then buys you clothes HE wants you to wear? Have you told your counselor about that? All I can say is WOW. I really don't feel sorry for you, you have done nothing to better yourself and your poor daughter is going to get caught up in all this.

Also, if you just give up on your bunny that easy then I, for one, have lost all respect for you. Since your bunny is "not worth it" then you don't deserve ANY pets. If you "love" her then your lack of loyalty disgusts me.

You have a cat and dog? I thought you had 2 dogs? Or did he MAKE you get rid of one of those too?

This entire thread is filled with excuses...


I've only started acting out in the past 1 1/2 years. .
You really think that is acceptable? Especially with a toddler in the house?

Here's an idea, try thinking for yourself for once. Try to help yourself, if you refuse, then stop complaining about it.

[Catty1]

Don't EVER up your meds without checking with your doctor!

I know you said you married young. Perhaps a separation would be a good idea - so you can go through the living on your own phase that many young adults go through.

How long have you been in counselling?

Have you noticed any change?

Remember - you CAN'T fix what is broken in someone else.

If your husband is getting counselling just to keep you around, and not making any changes, maybe you should leave for a while.

That's manipulation. And some time on your own with your daughter would be really good for you - a break.

[My Peanuts]

I just saw that you re-homes Charlie 2 months ago. How do you live with yourself? Adopt a new dog, get rid of the old one? IS that how it works? Get a bunny, not "worth" fighting over, get rid of her too? Nice, really nice! :mad:

[gemini9961]

I haven't posted on this yet and I am shocked to see how it has progressed. I have to agree with what everyone has said here, all I am reading is excuse after excuse and now you bought a card and cake and are going to apologize. He has won again. :( This is a sad situation and best of luck to you.

[ashleycat]

you're blowing things out of proportion. Charlie was gone more than 2 months ago. There was a reason for rehoming him. He is in a more active lifestyle family now. I waited a couple months before getting Runner. She fits our lifestyle better. I do miss him terribly. But I felt he deserved better. And now he is in a better situation.

My bunny.. Yes I love her. But I get 50/50 about it. 50 say they would leave over an animal. 50 say to see it on his side too. Maybe you don't see it on here because this IS a PET forum.

My cat I've had for 8 years. She isn't going anywhere. I've only had the bunny for a few months.

Catty.. don't worry. I won't do that w/o talking to him first.

I have only been in counseling for a couple months now. He has only gone with me once. So he hasn't even really began the counseling yet.

I'm trying to help myself, but I only get myself into trouble. Trying to take control of my life gets me into trouble.

Ya know.. I'm not going to post anymore on this thread. Because things are getting out of hand, and getting blown out of proportion. I don't have to explain myself over and over again for things that people are not reading right.

[Karen]

Okay, calm down, folks.

Ashleycat, you have some decisions to make. Not regarding the bunny or the tattoo or the counselor.

First, you need to figure out what you want from your life. If you are that angry, and have been for a year, you need to re-evaluate things and take a good hard look at why you are angry.

Next, you need to figure out what you want from this marriage. And if you are not willing to work at it, both of you, then you need to not complain about it publicly. People here are willing to sympathize, but not to be doormats, or to advocate being doormats. A marriage is a partnership. If either of you is not willing to compromise, a marriage will never work, and you will always be unhappy.

Third, if you are going to a counselor that tells you your depression is caused by anything someone else does, stop going to that person. He or she is not doing you any good, and may be doing you harm.

In all these things, you need consider the impact your anger and unhappiness is having on your daughter, your pets, and your home.

We cannot help you make any of these decisions.

[caseysmom]

I think the first step is a calm dinner, try to get a babysitter or after your daughter is asleep and try to have a calm talk with your husband. Tell him your concerns, maybe even write them down beforehand.

[Vela]

Okay, calm down, folks.

Ashleycat, you have some decisions to make. Not regarding the bunny or the tattoo or the counselor.

First, you need to figure out what you want from your life. If you are that angry, and have been for a year, you need to re-evaluate things and take a good hard look at why you are angry.

Next, you need to figure out what you want from this marriage. And if you are not willing to work at it, both of you, then you need to not complain about it publicly. People here are willing to sympathize, but not to be doormats, or to advocate being doormats. A marriage is a partnership. If either of you is not willing to compromise, a marriage will never work, and you will always be unhappy.

Third, if you are going to a counselor that tells you your depression is caused by anything someone else does, stop going to that person. He or she is not doing you any good, and may be doing you harm.

In all these things, you need consider the impact your anger and unhappiness is having on your daughter, your pets, and your home.

We cannot help you make any of these decisions.

I agree with Karen.

I also think some of you should step back. I agree with what many of you are saying, but not in how you are saying it. It's not always easy to get out of situations we get ourselves into in life, and some of the comments are much too harsh in terms of how they are given. Yes it gets old, but there are other posters who post things that are lies or half truths or nothing but complaints, and I don't see people attacking them like a pack of dogs. I understand where the anger comes in to play, but at the same time it's not helping Ashley or you to get that upset about it. Some people have mental diabilities and are unable to see the situations as others see it, or don't know how to get out of it, and while some may not wish to make comments in a positive way, I think some are being overly harsh to the negative. I do wish you all a nice day, and I'm not picking on anyone, it just seems very harsh.

Ashley, I hope you are able to get the help you need and can find a way to be happy for yourself and your daughter, she is more important than anything else, and these negative things that are happening are greatly going to affect her stability as an adult. You need to figure things out and soon, because it IS hurting her, even though she is still young yet. These are her most impressionable years and will shape her entire future life. Sounds like you need a new counselor for yourself alone and with your husband together to work through these things, because it's not a good life for any of you.

[caseysmom]

Thanks Vela you said what I was thinking but would not have said as nicely.

[My Peanuts]

I may have been a little harsh, but when a child and pets are affected by this person’s decisions or lack of decisions I feel the need to vent for their sake. I'm not apologizing for what I said. I think Ashleycat has to realize a lot of things. I believe in trying to help people, but when they don’t listen to reason then they need someone to give it to them straight.

Ashleycat, I am angry at your choices, but I do not hate you. I know everyone's situations are different, but your problems are very big and I believe you are taking them way too lightly.

[Lori Jordan]

I have stayed completly away from this thread as i hate to hurt people,All i see are excuses,As to the animals,If you knew he was not as fond as animals after Charlie why add a dog and now a Bunny,As it takes every animal time to ajust and get used to there new surroundings.Now she will have to start all over again,Which causes stress on them and could take there life.Is that fair?I would rethink things,My husband knows if he ever acted like this his bags would be packed,and trust me we are beyond complete opposites we really have no hobbies nothing in common,But we have concideration for eachother and you can say whatever you like we have been together for 16 years,and not once have i doubted our Marriage.

I'm not saying leave him,but maybe it is not a bad idea,Apart from the animals your daughter should be number one,I hate any family breaking up,but if the parents are always in a tiff i truly believe the child is better off,They grow to what you as parents have taught them,I wish you luck,and i hope the bunny gets to stay put even though i do not know the animal my stomach is upside down thinking about the poor thing having to go through this.

[RICHARD]

Geez, you can always find another man.....

Pets?

THey are once in a lifetime.

[ashleycat]

,If you knew he was not as fond as animals after Charlie why add a dog and now a Bunny,.
I asked if I could get them before I got them. I didn't just go get them w/o permission. He is changing his feelings. I rehomed Charlie because he needed a more active family. One that can stay on top of his dominance. Even with nilf, I must not have done it right. I could get him to do things, I brought him a far way with his training myself. I just couldn't stay on top of being alpha.

[ashleycat]

Okay, calm down, folks.

Ashleycat, you have some decisions to make. Not regarding the bunny or the tattoo or the counselor.

First, you need to figure out what you want from your life. If you are that angry, and have been for a year, you need to re-evaluate things and take a good hard look at why you are angry.

Next, you need to figure out what you want from this marriage. And if you are not willing to work at it, both of you, then you need to not complain about it publicly. People here are willing to sympathize, but not to be doormats, or to advocate being doormats. A marriage is a partnership. If either of you is not willing to compromise, a marriage will never work, and you will always be unhappy.

Third, if you are going to a counselor that tells you your depression is caused by anything someone else does, stop going to that person. He or she is not doing you any good, and may be doing you harm.

In all these things, you need consider the impact your anger and unhappiness is having on your daughter, your pets, and your home.

We cannot help you make any of these decisions.
I have been trying to make things better with him. I'm always trying to talk to him and he agrees with almost everything I say. He always says I'm not asking for too much. I will try harder. I ask him what about me that bugs you? The only thing he comes up with, is that he would like for me to cook and clean more often and dance for him. I HAVE been doing the first 2 for him.

As for what makes me angry. HJe knows it. But he refuses to sdee it. He is passive agressive towards me. He says... well my co workers dont think I am PA.

I think I will find a real marriage counselor. Instead of bringing him to MY counselor.

[Karen]

I think I will find a real marriage counselor. Instead of bringing him to MY counselor.

That sounds like a constructive step.

[wolf_Q]

It saddens me that you are getting rid of yet another bunny. You had two when you joined here, what happened to them?

http://petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=74937&highlight=roby+drew

[ashleycat]

We just talked after him reading my letter.
he's letting me keep her :) because I explained how cheap it is to have her, and I have to move her out of the kitchen. Because he wants to get a dining room set.

He's letting me get the tat too, because I explained that they are small and next to my other one. He thought I was going to get something drastic.

He only doesnt want me wearing camis in public functions.

So we are better for now. We have counseling tomorrow.

About Robyn and drew. That is a long story, long ago. And I've learned from it. Nuff said.. Have you read that thread wolf Q? That was a small part of it.

[Catty1]

Good stuff!

As you mentioned - you may want to keep your counsellor for YOU - and discuss with her a referral to a marriage counsellor. I hope you two go to one.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

hugs :)

[moosmom]

Will you two get into counseling???????

[ashleycat]

I'm already in. He's gone with me. We're going to go to a real marriage counselor.

[moosmom]

he's letting me keep her

He's LETTING you keep her???? Gee, that so big of him.


He's letting me get the tat too

:rolleyes:

[Cataholic]

I may have been a little harsh, but when a child and pets are affected by this person’s decisions or lack of decisions I feel the need to vent for their sake. I'm not apologizing for what I said. I think Ashleycat has to realize a lot of things. I believe in trying to help people, but when they don’t listen to reason then they need someone to give it to them straight.

Ashleycat, I am angry at your choices, but I do not hate you. I know everyone's situations are different, but your problems are very big and I believe you are taking them way too lightly.

Here, here. Harsh? There is a 2 year old child involved in this situation. This situation calls for harsh. Heck, it probably calls for CPS. All too often we read about these situations in the paper, or see them on the news- with horific endings. I won't ever back off my 'harsh' comments when it comes to those with no voices.


If only soft words and candlelight could make it all go away. If only. :rolleyes:

[Vela]

And do you really think those things you say are going to be listened to when you "attack" someone? I never said I didn't agree with what was said, but tact needs to be involved when trying to explains things like that or help someone in a situation like that, namely the child the most. Spewing forth words in that way are going to get you ignored in most cases, it turns people off of listening to you if they feel attacked. I never said you guys didn't have valid points, and I agree with most of them as well, but delivery is as important as the words you say, that is what I meant. You won't "help" anyone, most of all the child, by coming across that way. Like I already mentioned, I understand completely why hearing that stuff would make everyone upset, it IS upsettting. My greatest concern are for the baby, the pets, and then Ashley herself, but you won't get heard by going about things that way. We also only hear one side of things, so we really can't make a real "judgement" on the situation. I want everyone involved to get counseling and help before something bad happens, but yelling at or belittling someone who is already in a bad spot generally is not going to help, but can only make the situation worse and drive them farther down. I wish the best for everyone, and like I said I wasn't picking on anyone in particular, just trying to explain why that really won't help, to say things that way.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

The only thing he comes up with, is that he would like for me to cook and clean more often and dance for him. I HAVE been doing the first 2 for him.

Good to see he treats you with so much respect :rolleyes:

Does he dance for you? Jeez, get some self respect girl and kick him into touch!!!

[JenBKR]

The only thing he comes up with, is that he would like for me to cook and clean more often and dance for him. I HAVE been doing the first 2 for him.

Dance for him? Are you serious?

[caseysmom]

Yeah I agree with the others, the dancing for him puts a whole different light on the situation for me.

[ashleycat]

for one. he doesn't get mad if I don't dance for him. It is a request ok.

I'm taking a break from the board. threatening cps is just over the line. They can come see for themselves. Nothing will warrant for cps. Stuff sounds bad here I agree. But it's not THAT FREAKING BAD. I've see way worse. As a child I sat thru watching my alcoholic step dad and his alcoholic girlfriend get into some pretty violent fights. Here.. it's nothing NEAR that.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I've see way worse. As a child I sat thru watching my alcoholic step dad and his alcoholic girlfriend get into some pretty violent fights. Here.. it's nothing NEAR that.

Could explain why you put up with so much sweetheart but it still doesn't make it okay

[ashleycat]

I know!!, that's why we are going to counseling. but all I'm saying.. it's nothing near that here. People don't need to get all bent out of shape. He doesn't YELL or raise his voice. He doesn't hit me. I don't hit him. I don't yell either. I get a lil tiffy. like a child. Ok, yeah I said it, like a child.

It is the internet, no one really knows what goes on. People are making it sound waaay worse than it really is. Bending stories around.

I do have a problem letting too much personal stuff out here. Who knows, maybe counseling will help that too.

[ashleycat]

actually since I wrote him the letter. He's been happy and cheerfull. lol. In return.. I'm happy. for now. He's being overly affectionate. Which is weird. He has admitted he controls me. So that's step one.

[Samantha Puppy]

Well, pick a stance and stick with it. You can't play the victim for 8 pages and then tell us it isn't that bad. :rolleyes: Which is it? Are you spineless miserable housewife with a husband who walks all over her every chance he gets, or are things really not "that bad"?

[Corinna]

I may get creamed for this but oh well. We have olny heard her side I have seen some people in Camis that really should not be . Perhaps Ashleycats has some fashion issuse that need working on. Perhaps some of the other issuses are not just his. I know I had some self realsation when i had been married a while, things that dateing were ignored but getting older and being a mom were not acceptable any more.
I am glad you are in therapy, I do hope hubby follows through and does too. A good couples counciler is a great idea is there one reccommended buy your church (if you have one) Hugs to you keep at it but you both must remember the Number one goal is a happy healthy relationship for your child.

[K9soul]

Ashley, I think it's really good that you are really trying to work through things, and that you recognize some of the reactions you've had in the past weren't healthy, i.e. the anger and acting out. It IS a very important step to recognize there are problems, because you can become so immersed in the way things are that it's hard to even see that things aren't going well. I know this from experience. It's hard to put into words, but I know how hard it is to start clawing your way out of a rut like that, especially when dealing with depression, which tries to sap your will and motivation every moment of every day. But I think you are really trying, and I hope you keep doing so. Don't ever give up. You can't make sweeping changes over night, and to expect that of yourself can drag you back down again, so try to savor and be proud of every triumph.

I think most important is to work on your own self-confidence and self-esteem. If you can improve these things, the rest will become easier. You aren't ugly or useless, and you have great potential! You have definitely shown creativity and talent in your jewelry and crafts. I think it'd be wonderful if you could look into taking some classes again or something to focus and motivate you. Have you ever thought about selling your crafts on e-bay? Setting yourself some goals and things to look forward to are very very important. Do you have any good friends or a support system? That could really help you as well. You don't need to answer any of my questions, I'm just trying to throw out thoughts and ideas :). Keep meeting with various counselors until you can find one you really click with. I know how hard that can be too. I have had bad counselors and they make things worse. Don't let them intimidate you, if you don't feel like they are helping you, find someone else. If you can begin feeling more confident and better about yourself, your husband will probably be less inclined to exert so much control. As I'm sure you have experienced, when you have trouble with confidence and assertiveness, people seem to pick up on that and push you down more.

Do try to let go of past, mistakes, how things were, etc etc, and focus on the now most of all. If you make a mistake, just try to move on and not dwell on it, do better next time. None of us are perfect. You just have to keep trying and trying again. I still have to try hard sometimes to keep from slipping back into old habits, but it does get easier.