Meeting with someone you hate?

[catnapper]

Sigh -- without going into a long story, just take it that I do not like the other dog trainer at work, and take it from me that I have valid reasons on NOT liking her. I nearly flipped on her tonight and even my manager agreed my anger was justified..... and becuse of what she did tonight, we all have to meet face to face tomorrow night and "hash out our feelings". I do NOT want to meet tomorrow but basically have no choice.

How do I talk to someone who I don't trust? How do I tell her that I don't believe anything she has to say? How do I not jump across the table and strangle her? ;)

I want to know what to say, HOW to say it, etc. I KNOW me, I know I'll go there and kiss her butt rather than telling her that I feel she's a manipulative liar. I'm sure there's a far more tactful way of calling her a backstabbing soul crushing b*tch, anyone know how to say it without sounding resentful and crazy? :p I have just been through too much lately and this woman makes me so mad that I was seconds away from quitting last week (oh yeah, that would have been smart on my part :rolleyes: )

I have been reduced to tears by her, and sent into a blinding rage by her. All from a woman who I've only sat down and really talked to a few times. Its all stuff she does behind the scenes when I'm not in the store. To my face she is all sweetness and pie. I swear she'd have forest creatures prancing around her ankles and pretty birds floating around her head if she could do so.... but watch out because as soon as you turn your back she'd be kicking those forest creatues and swatting at the birds.

Help! I want to prepare mentally for this and figure out how to word everything so it sounds logical instead of emotional. I KNOW I'm an emotional wreck right now and thats the last thing I want to admit to her. I don't want her thinking all my points were made based on my emotional state rather than the real issues.

[Craftlady]

I would write out all stuff she has been doing behind the scenes and call her on each item and let her explain things. I would preface all those questions by stating "There are some problems and we need to address them".
Go point to point in a business like manner and try not to choke her along the way. :)
She will soon realize her not "queen trainer" of the store there are other people who work there.

Good Luck :)

[moosmom]

Kim,

Before you go into the meeting, make a list of all the problems (documentation is everything and it will keep you focused and calm). Hey, let's face it, this is a meeting because THERE IS A PROBLEM...Helllooooo, you're not going in there to sugar coat anything. Just flat out let her know very calmly (I know how difficult that can be) what some of the issues are. Let her go first though. This way you can get a feel for the "mood", if you get my drift. Hopefully there will be "higher ups" in the meeting with you (that can pull you off of her if you are forced to choke the $hit out of her) and you'll have witnesses to what she says. If the management already thinks you were justified, chances are they already know there's been a problem. Have you been there longer than she? You've got clout girl, use it to your advantage. But don't stoop to her level by setting off a screaming match. Take a deep breath. Count to 10. Let the management see her for the coniving bitch that she really is.

Good luck Kim. I'll call you tomorrow night or call me when you get out (if you feel like it).

(((((HUGS)))))

[BC_MoM]

Tell yourself, "I won't let her get to me. I'll tell her the cold hard facts, let her know how I feel".

You sound just like me.. whenever someone wrecks me emotionally, I kiss their butt too.

You don't have to trust her to talk to her. Just talk. Is there going to be someone there with you?

Don't be passive, don't be aggressive. Be assertive! Instead of saying "you are" or "you" "you" "you", give OPINIONS and use "I think". ('least, that's what I learned from my counsellor when I had no selfesteem.)

[caseysmom]

I know personally when I get mad I can't say all the things I want to say I start rambling and babbling so I think the list is a good idea. Just try to stay calm and think of it as your time to say how you feel. Just tell her what you just told us.

[catnapper]

Oh goodness, a list! I already have a partial list from when I was supposed to send it to the higher ups (I chickened out)

[Karen]

Yes, type out a list. Make a couple printouts, so you can hand one to her if she asks. Will there be other people in this "meeting?"

If necessary, think of it as a political debate - and you win if you stay calm but assertive. Or maintain a calm facade by thinking of it as theatre.

[jazzcat]

Hey I didn't know you worked with my sister in law. Wonder when she became a dog trainer. ;)

Seriously you are describing my relationship with my SIL to a T. Imagine having to spend Christmas with your dog trainer, that is what I have to do each year. Last Christmas Day things between us go so bad that she ran to the back of the house to call a family member to bad mouth me, my brother (her husband) went outside and sat in his car and I went out to my Dad's woodworking shop to hide and almost cry. Merry Christmas! Since my Mom died two years ago my SIL (also known as the witch) has directed all her evil rays on me. She started at the funeral and hasn't stopped since.

I have absolutely no advice but I'm listening.

[K9karen]

D**n! I hate confrontation too! I'm so so bad at it and become an emotional wreck. Most of the time it's not even MY fault. I think the suggestions about writing things down is super advise. My bet, is that she'll be defensive, but sweet and come out smelling like a rose instead of a cesspool.

Kim, be firm but gentle. Let her show her true stripes. Be the dignified lady you are! I know you can do it! You've been through a lot lately and don't need this witch to upset you more.

[jenluckenbach]

All I can say is Best of luck.

[Catty1]

Describe and list ACTIONS - not the PERSON.

What she DID and DOES, not who she IS.

Takes the personal stuff out, and is still accurate.

As for the "behind the scenes" stuff - hard to prove - just preface that list with "It has come to our attention" or "It has been reported that".

Think of this as doing her a big favour. She may honestly not be aware. This is HELPING her to maybe change - which will help everyone else.

You're being part of the solution by doing this. Everyone is.

HUGS

[kuhio98]

What makes you think that she is purposely doing things when you're not at the store to drive you crazy? Maybe she's just a clueless person who thinks she's the center of the universe. What I'm saying, is that instead of interpreting her actions as an personal attack on you, could it be that she just doesn't know that you guys are supposed to work as a team? Are you supposed to work as a team?

So, I would give her specific examples. The time you decided to do (whatever), really caused me some problems. Here's why......
In the future, I would appreciate it if you would let me have input into this sort of thing. You you can always call me on my cell phone.


So, maybe I'm not getting it. Does she have some sort of seniority over you to change things? If so, then she's sort of your boss.

If she doesn't have seniority, then she's either clueless (I always assume that everyone in innocent until proven guilty) or she is a insecure, power-hungry person who needs to be counseled by her supervisor. That's not your job. Like I said, maybe I'm not getting it.

You have to be specific. If you are emotional (because you perceive her actions as a personal attack on you), you will lose the battle. This is not about emotions at all. It is to come up with a plan to work together and do the best job possible for your customers.

[catnapper]

Thanks guys. I have senority over her. We are supposed to work as a team but she's done everything in her power to make everything about her. I went to my manager with concerns about her as soon as I saw a problem arising - he should have nipped it in the bud at the time, but he let it go because he didn't have the managerial skills to do so. She has repeatedly done things she should NOT have done and my manager just says "make sure it doesn't happen again" and lets her actions escallate.... remember, this is the same trainer that did not show up for her first class in the store. He continually let her run the store. Its his issue due to his lack of managing her from the start and he should be reining her in, not me.

[Karen]

Now that I know that stuff (about manager, etc.) I think you should make it an extra copy, and send it to his higher-ups, as well, along with a nice compliment about him. Some people get promoted beyond their abilities, but he could learn some managerial skills with guidance from HIS higher-ups.

[jenluckenbach]

SO? Did you have a meeting??

[catnapper]

Welll.... she arrived 45 minutes late to the meeting so my boss and I just got started making up the next 3 months' worth of training classes for the calendar. She came in and complained about the times and dates of everything. Got into an almost shouting match with the manager. It ended with her giving her notice!!! :eek: Yes, she's quitting! (oh happy dance, happy dance, happy dance!)

Now, I am going to be very cautious about this, since she's said one thing in the past and done another. So we'll see if she actually follows through and does leave. She is going to start new classes up til Thansgiving then leave in January after all the November classes are over.

Oh, and we never got to talk about all my issues with her -- she quit while going over the calendar! We never even got into the REAL issues! LOL

[kuhio98]

If she tries to back peddle and "un-quit", I sure hope your boss makes it clear that it is not up to her. She shouldn't have that option. She should be gone now. What kind of "manager" do you have?

Now, I'm not one to sabotage someone (Lord knows she's doing that on her own), but I believe I would approach the manager about your concerns that her negative feelings about the store (since she's announced she's leaving) may be detrimental to business and you would sure hate to hear that she has been badmouthing the store and the traininig program. SHE NEEDS TO GO NOW! And if your manager was any kind of manager, she would already be gone. He/She needs to stand up and take some control and quit letting her call the shots. If I was the manager, my conversation would go like this: "Since you are so unhappy with your employment here, we have accepted your resignation. Effectively immediately."

Let's just wish her well and be glad that she will be making some other office/store miserable -- not yours!

[Cinder & Smoke]

(She) Got into an almost shouting match with the manager.
It ended with her giving her notice!!!

She is going to start new classes up til Thansgiving then leave in January
after all the November classes are over.

:rolleyes:

I'd hardly call that "quitting" - that's 3 MONTHS from now!

She can cause a LOT of Grief in 3 months ...
Why didn't "The Boss" just tell he she was GONE in two weeks?

Good Luck!