joke thread

[popcornbird]

I thought it would be nice if we could have a joke thread in which we can all post funny jokes that we would like to share. One thing though......PLEASE KEEP IT CLEAN! Here's my joke....its a blonde joke so no offense to the blondes!!! Just a joke!!!!!!!!!:eek:

==============================================
There was a guy who was mowing his lawn when he noticed his next door neighbor (a blonde) kept on running outside and checking her mail. He noticed she kept on doing it over and over.

So he thought, "The next time she runs out here I'm gonna stop and ask her why she keeps on doing that!" So she did it, and he asked her.

And she replied, "I just got a new computer, and it keeps on telling me,...

You've Got Mail!"

[baywatch babe]

i like it 2........

[anna_66]

You know it's funny you mentioned it! I was thinking along the lines of the same thing when I ran across this funny joke, thanks for setting it up already!

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one ! more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

[Randi]

Not exactly a joke, but ....
Can any of you identify with this?

30 years!

1970: LONG HAIR.
2000: LONGING FOR HAIR.

1970: THE PERFECT HIGH.
2000: THE PERFECT HIGH YIELD MUTUAL FUND.

1970: KEG.
2000: EKG.

1970: ACID ROCK.
2000: ACID REFLUX.

1970: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S COOL.
2000: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S WARM.

1970: GROWING POT.
2000: GROWING POT BELLY.

1970: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE
FLIGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS.
2000: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE
FLIGHT WITH YOUR
CHILDREN.

1970: TRYING TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
2000: TRYING NOT TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO
OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR.

1970: SEEDS AND STEMS.
2000: ROUGHAGE.

1970: POPPING PILLS, SMOKING JOINTS.
2000: POPPING JOINTS.

1970: OUR PRESIDENTS STRUGGLE WITH FIDEL.
2000: OUR PRESIDENTS STRUGGLE WITH FIDELITY.

1970: PAAR
2000: AARP

1970: KILLER WEED.
2000: WEED KILLER.

1970: HOPING FOR A BMW.
2000: HOPING FOR A BM.

1970: THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
2000: DR. KEVORKIAN.

1970: GETTING OUT TO A NEW, HIP JOINT.
2000: GETTING A NEW HIP JOINT.

1970: ROLLING STONES.
2000: KIDNEY STONES

1970: SCREW THE SYSTEM!
2000: UPGRADE THE SYSTEM.

1970: PEACE SIGN.
2000: MERCEDES LOGO.

1970: TAKING ACID
2000: TAKING ANTACID.

1970: PASSING THE DRIVERS TEST.
2000: PASSING THE VISION TEST.

1970: " WHATEVER"
2000: " DEPENDS "

[Randi]

Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

[l-a]

What does an octopus wear when he's freezing?

A COAT OF ARMS!

(lame, I know. :) )

[L-A.]

I do NOT remember registering twice... really, I don't...

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

> > > The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
> > > set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later,
> > > The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
> > >
> > > "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
> > >
> > > Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
> > >
> > > "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
> > >
> > > Tonto ponders for a minute.
> > > "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
> > > millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
> > > planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
> > > Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
> > > quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the
> > > Lord is all powerful and we are small and
> > > insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have
> > > a beautiful day tomorrow.
> > >
> > > What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
> > >
> > > The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
> > >
> > > "Tonto, you Dumb As., someone has stolen our tent."
> > >

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone. Too bad I can't think of any right now.

[AmberLee]

This joke might be funnier if you are inclined to spend long hours pouring over obscure texts and indicypherable messages:

A sexton in England undertook a project to map all the graves in the churchyard and to create a complete record of the individuals buried there. After years of work and research he had identified all of the stones but one. The stone, flat on the ground and directly behind the old church, bore only the initials H.W.P. The sexton dug through every church record and could find no record of anyone with those initials.

One day the plumber was working on the old water pipes in the church and chatting with the sexton who proceeded to tell him with pride about his project and added that he was greatly troubled by the fact that one stone remained unidentified. The plumber asked which stone that might be and the sexton pointed out the flat stone.

The plumber smiled and replied that he could solve that mystery since he had placed the stone there himself -- H.W.P. marks the location of the Hot Water Pipe.

[anna_66]

One day a blonde walked into a second hand store and asked the clerk "How much is that TV in the window?" The man said, "I'm sorry. I don't sell stuff to blondes." So She walked out. The next day she came in as a red head. She asked how much the TV was in the window again. And again he said he didn't sell things to blondes. The next day she came in again and asked for the third time how much the TV was. The man said "FOR THE FINAL TIME I DONT SALE STUFF TO BLONDES!!" She said, "How did you know I was a blonde?" He said, "That’s not a TV, It’s a microwave!!!!!"

Hope this joke doesn't offend any of you blondes out there!

[anna_66]

I really like this joke!


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[anna_66]

:D LOL!!!:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone.:D

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Here is another joke...... I know it is terrible... but FUNNY!!!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it
really doesn't bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a
matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know I was farting because they don't smell
and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor,"
she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but
now my farts...although still silent...
stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've
cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your
hearing."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Sara! :D Too funny!:D

[Former User]

Nun On The Run
A nun stepped out of the doctor's office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor. Another doctor witnessed this, and went to ask her doctor about it.
"Hey, what happened? The nun ran out of her praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!"
"Oh, I just told her she was pregnant." The first doctor replied.
"Oh my! Is she?"

"No, but it sure cured her hiccups!"

[Ann]

LOL, lovely jokes everyone!! I especially loved the puppy one and the fart one, but all were hilarious!

[Ann]

LOL, that one's really good popcornbird!!

[anna_66]

Funny, Funny jokes this morning!!!! Thanks for the laughs!http://www.plaudersmilies.de/laugh.gif

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gifToo funny.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gif

[AmberLee]

>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<
Pet Food Help Line

DAYTON, OHIO- Iams pet food company's team of customer service representatives handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?"
-- cat owner, Omak, WA

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - cat owner,
Colorado Springs, CO

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?" - dog owner, Lockport, NY

"What should I feed a borderline collie?" - puppy owner, Van Fleck, TX

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - cat owner, Chicago, IL

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - dog owner, Miami, FL

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - cat owner, Los Angeles, CA

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"
- cat owner, Amarillo, TX

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" - Anchorage, AK

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - pet owner, Ephrata, WA

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - dog owner, Flushing, NY

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - cat owner, Ontario, Canada

"I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" - cat owner, Wentzville, MO

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - puppy owner, Chico, CA

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?" - cat owner, El Paso, TX

"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" - pet owner, North Tonawanda, NY

The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, "Although these questions make us smile, they're legitimate calls from concerned pet owners".
>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<

[AmberLee]

>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<
Ten Catmmandments

1) I am the Lord of thy House.
2) Thou shalt have no other pets before Me.
3) Thou shalt never ignore Me.
4) I shall ignore Thou when I feel like it.
5) Thou shalt be grateful that I even give Thou the time of day.
6) Remember My food dish and keep it full.
7) Thou shalt spend most of Thy money on toys and gifts for Me.
8) Thou shalt always have Thy lap ready for Me to curl up in.
9) Thou shalt shower Me with love and attention upon demand.
10)Above all, Thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.
>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<
More "Cat's Rules to Live By." See if some sound like your cat!

All Rules can be broken when you feel like it.
Be astonishingly mysterious.
When in doubt, chase something.
Ignore your mistakes.
Go absolutely berserk for no apparent reason.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them "I care."
>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<
Sunday School Lessons

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or gray, but sometimes I can be black or red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus - but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<

[AmberLee]

>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<
25 THINGS FOR DOGS TO REMEMBER

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the 'fridge or sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater off of my coat before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead or decaying mammals, fish or fowl just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.

10. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

11. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

12. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my owners will think I am hemorrhaging.

13. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

14. Even though we have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

15. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

16. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

17. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

18. I will not bite the state trooper's hand when he reaches in for Dad's license and car registration.

19. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

20. I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

21. I will not "roll around in the dirt" after getting a bath.

22. I will not belch or sneeze at my owner while sleeping in their bed.

23. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

24. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

25. The cat is not a squeaky toy... So when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

[slleipnir]

1. PARROT GOES TO CHURCH

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not
much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to
her, and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her
on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem, and that she
could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot, and for the next week spent time getting to
know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she
put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked, and said, "It's damned cold in here!" Everyone
turned to look at her, and the woman ran out of the church in total
embarrassment!

All the next week, she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity
to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood, so she put him
on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the
parrot squawked, looked around, and loudly proclaimed, "It's damned
cold in here!" Again, the woman ran from the church.

The next day, she returned to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid
of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the
parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or
6 times, and return him to your shoulder."

That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday, she took the parrot to church and, sure enough,
just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's damned cold in
here!"

Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5
or 6 times, and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his
head, ruffled his feathers, and said, "Pretty f**in' windy, too!"

[NoahsMommy]

Those last two were helarious!!!! Thanks guys!!! :)

[AmberLee]

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge.

Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Workout!

[pupper-lover]

This one is pretty bad. My friend liked cows, and this joke is his favorite. Cheesey but short.


Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump over the barbwire fence?

It was an udder disaster :rolleyes: .

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes AmberLee and slleipnir.:D Just hilhttp://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gifarious.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gif

[Ann]

LOL, those are hilarious as well!!

I especially loved the Iams one... I really wonder if they are REALLY real?

[Former User]

A farmer in the country discovered that some kids had been stealing fruit from his watermelon patch. So he put up a sign that read "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS RAT POISON!"

The farmer returned to the patch a week later and discovered that all of his watermelons were still there, but he found another sign that read "NOW TWO OF THEM DO!"

[ChrislOve]

Actually, it would be nicer to have jokes that don't reference a particular physical specification. Funny stereotypes may seem harmless, but inevitably lead to prejudice.

[Former User]

Oh come on, these are only jokes! Lighten up! I'm blond myself and don't mind jokes! Can't take everything too seriously in life! :D

patient : OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!

dentist : hey , why are you shouting ? I haven't even touched
your teeth yet !!!

patient : I know that !!!!!! But you are standing on my sore foot !!

:D ;) :D ;) :D ;)

Hey doc , thi !s has been 4 days now that I have severe
diarhea and I am always to late to reach the toilet !! Help me please , because this is really getting me depressed and makes me cry all the time !

okay , take this pills and visit me again in two weeks !!

two weeks later ........
hi doc ! Here I am as promised !!

So , how are you know ??? is the diarhrea gone ???

oh no , but I don't care about it anymore !

[anna_66]

Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
Oh come on

That is so funny Niina, I just said the exact same thing out loud!
We don't mean anything by it, you can dog (Ha!) on brunettes (Me) all you want! It's all just harmless fun:D

[anna_66]

This is similar to the one AmberLee put up about the Iams Co. but this one is about airlines

Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Randi]

Jolly Flight Attendant

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"



A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"



It was mealtime during our trip on a small airliner flying over the northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

[ellensy]

LOL great jokes :D :D :D

[AmberLee]

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[gini]

Oh my, these are all wonderful!! AmberLee you outdid yourself. I love the one about cats and staying fit - at 2 AM!!

C & K - the watermelon joke is great!

I once heard that good jokes come from men in prison - because they have nothing else to do........

Anyone else have any ideas?

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL everyone:D Great jokes.:D

[Former User]

A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. So she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex." "But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[lynnestankard]

Aw everybody - - - - - -


http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/uquakmeup.gif



These are hysterical - love those 'flight' jokes.
Anna - have already sent your 'Americans Travelling' to daughter Diane in Chicago!! When she gets to her desk at 7.30am your time you'll probably hear the screams of laughter!!!

Lynne

[anna_66]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

[slleipnir]

Thats good lol. It kinda reminds me of a show I was watching (either Jay Leno or Conan O'Brian)
They were showing how car alarms don't always work. Then they showed 'the new type' where instead of a loud noise when someone breaks it, its a soft, calm voice saying something about jesus watching them or something..then the robber person kinda slowly walked away with a weird look on his face..Hm, I can't explain it, Iguess you would have had to watch it. It was funny though ;D

[Randi]

A blonde joke ....

My First Day on the Job!

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde
went in to try out for the job.

After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the
sheriff asked in desperation one final question:

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought
really hard for a minute and finally admitted:

"I don't know!"

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for
a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where
some friends were waiting to hear the results of the
interview.

The blonde couldn't be happier.

"It's my first day on the job, and it went great."

"I'm already working on a murder case!"

[anna_66]

http://www.colute.net/cwm/contrib/ruinkai/biglaugha.gifGood One!

[AmberLee]

Yes, I AM hooked on the "Cats with Hands" cartoons. Here is 6 Jun 2002's cartoon (http://www.ucomics.com/cgi-bin/sendtoafriend/emailcomic.cgi?uc_full_date=20020606&uc_comic=tmcat&site_ref=ucomics) Enjoy! :D

[Fuzzy317]

Q. How do you turn a stallion into a pig?

A. Marry him!

[slleipnir]

HAHA...this is sad but those little happy/laughy faces crack me up almost as much as the jokes :o

[krazyaboutkatz]

These jokes are great.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gifI need to find some good jokes to share with you. Thanks for the laughs.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gif

[Former User]

Q: Why did the blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
A: Because the box said "up to 20 pounds.
---------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde that bleaches her hair?
A: A frosted flake.
---------------------------
Q: What did the blonde call her zebra?
A: Spot.
------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
A: That's where you wash vegetables isn't it?
-------------------------------

[anna_66]

I figured as long as we're on the blonde jokes............

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up
all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared
at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.

[Ann]

LOL Anna, that one is great!! :)

[lynnestankard]

They're all great!!! Wish I could remember jokes!! Keep 'em coming everybody!:D :D :D

this is a "water" joke !!

Bart had bought a new tank for salt-water-fish .
At home he realised he needed salted water .
So he stept in his car and drove all the way to the sea .
There he saw a fisher man and asked him for a bucket of sea-water .Okay , said the man , that will cost you one dollar !
Bart payed and returned home . There he realised he needed much more buckets of the water .
So he drove back to the sea . There the sea had withdrawn , and it was low tide ;
He joined the fisherman and said : well you lucky guy , you seem to have sold lots of buckets today hey !!!!!!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D

A man is driving on the highway .
Suddenly , a chichen is running besides his car and takes over !!
Waw , he said . That's a fast one !!!!
Next day , he saw the same chicken on the same place .
This time he followed tha animal , and after 20 minutes , he reached a chicken-farm.
The went to see the farmer ,and said : "Aw , you have a fast chicken there ; runs like Roadrunner !!"
Oh that , said the farmer !!!!! Last year , as my wife was pregnant , I realised that from now on , there would be a row every time we served chicken ! We all prefer the drumsticks , and you know , a chicken has only two of those !! So I 've started to try to breeth 3-legged chicken . And as you can see , I succeeded !
Oh said the other man , and , how is the taste ???
Don' know , said the farmer , I was not able to catch it yet !!!

Two parrots were talking in there cage .
Oh my , said number one , it is so hot in here !!!
Oh , said number two , shall I open the door ??

[AmberLee]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your E-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.  To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is helping out by buying  the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.  When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: "Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor.....than a millionaire."

[Former User]

This guy (it doesn't matter from what state) named Jed was walking down the road one day when he came across his friend, who was carrying a bag.
Jed: "Hey Billy Joe, what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Jed: "I sure like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that bag you give me one."
Billy Joe: "Jed, if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

Jed: "Uhhh...four?" :D :D :D

[slleipnir]

haha. great jokes :D

[NoahsMommy]

:) These are all so funny!!! :)

:D :) :D :) :D :) :D

[Pam]

I just caught up with this thread and I'm really enjoying it! LOL! Here's one I got today in an e-mail -

A blonde replaced all the windows in her house with expensive, double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work had been done for a year and she had failed to pay for them. The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"

[Logan]

LOL!! I'm like Pam......I'm just discovering this and I can't resist this one:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to
hire herself out as a
handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said,"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think
she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb
blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00
and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gifGreat jokes everyone.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gif

[slleipnir]

SEE WHAT HAPPENS

One day, a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The
kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.
There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded
into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter,
dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a
small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with
toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He
was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

[slleipnir]

This one is kinda..erm..

Ladies night out
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you".

2. Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gifLOLhttp://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gif

[anna_66]

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

[Former User]

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up."
"Okay." he said.
"...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too." She added. "You'd better write all this down."
"I won't forget." He said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.
She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget."
"What did I forget?" He asked.

She replied, "My toast!"

[AmberLee]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my eye! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://www.plauder-smilies.de/rotfl.gifLOL everyonehttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

I hope this isn't too bad to put on here....

The Weather

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who
will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....

True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too they were laughing so hard!

A farmer was getting a bit older , so he decided with his three sons how they were supposed to devide the cattle among the three of them .
Look ,he said , my oldest Matthew gets 1/2 of the cattle .
Jo , my second gets 1/4 ; and young Jimmy gets 1/5 !!

A few days later , the father was feeling really sick and wanted to get it all in order . He told his sons to do it as quick as possible !

Two days later , the three man came to their fathers bed and said : Dad , we just cannot do what you ask !!! As you know , we have 19 cows . Now how are we supposed to devide those ????
It is impossible to take 1/2 , 1/4 , nor 1/5 from 19 ...........:confused: :confused: :confused:

Oh you stupid sons , I thought you knew better !!
Okay , I will help you : go and ask farmer Rogers if we can borrow one of his cows just for an hour !!!

okay , that's what they did !
So , how many cows do we have now , said the old farmer ??
20 DAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well ,Matthew gets 1/2 of 20 , so that is 10 cows .
Jo gets 1/4 of 20 , so that is 5 cows .
Jimmy gets 1/5 of 20 , so that is 4 cows !!

10 + 5 + 4 = 19 cows right !!???

okay then !!! now take that cow from next door back to his owner !!!!! I can die in peace now !!:confused: :confused:

[DementedCat03]

century gothic 16 teal Bill gates got in a car chrash one day and died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven God was standing there waiting for him God said "Hello Bill im gonna let you chose where you want to spend for ever. " Gee God thanks" said Bill, so god and Bill first went to hell. Bill saw beautiful women runing around clear beach waters and beautiful weather. "God if this is hell then i wonder what heaven must be like!" So God and Bill took a glance at heaven, it was a high cloudy palce, with angels playing harps and flutes. So Bill Decided to go to hell and God said " As you wish bill" A week later God went to hell to see how Bill was doing, but he came to find Bill thrown against a wall flames everywhere and little demons torturing him. "God what happened to al te beautiful women, clear waters and beautiful weather???" "Oh Bill that was just a SCREEN-SAVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!":D

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[Fuzzy317]

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

Q: What do you call 14 bunnies walking backward?
A: A receding hairline.

Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it’s too far to walk.

[Fuzzy317]

Cindy: "I’ve lost my cat!"
Rose: "Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?"
Cindy: "Don’t be silly! She can't read."

[Fuzzy317]

A fire had broken out. The neighborhood kids watched as the fire truck pulled up. High on his usual perch sat the station mascot, a Dalmation. The youngsters wondered about the dog's function.

One said, "He brings the firemen good luck."

A second said, "He keeps people away so they can work."

A third kid said, "You guys don't know anything. They use the dog to find the fireplug!" :D

[Fuzzy317]

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."

A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

[Former User]

A man spends a dollar for a lottery ticket and wins! He goes to town to claim his prize and his ticket number is verified. The man says, "I want my $20 million."
The clerk replies, "Well, we give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The man says, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the clerk explains that he would only get one million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The man, furious with the clerk, screams, "Look, if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

[Fuzzy317]

John was excited to finally be asked home to meet the parents of his girlfriend, Betty. Of course he was pretty nervous about the meeting, and by the time John arrived at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner John just couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding, so a tiny little fart escaped.
"Rufus!", Betty’s mother yelled at the dog lying near John’s feet.
Since the dog was getting the blame, John let another, slightly larger one go.
"Rufus!" the mother called out sharply.
"I’ve got it made," John thought to himself. "One more and I’ll feel peachy." So he let loose a thundering big one.
"RUFUS!" shrieked the woman, "Get away from that man before he poops on you!" :D

[Fuzzy317]

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He limped over to the bar, ordered a drink, turned around, looked at the crowd, and announced: "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw." :D

[Former User]

Fuzzy, those are good, what a laugh! :D :D :D

[Fuzzy317]

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:


1. Your dog keeps running away, but you always know where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend’s door.

2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.

3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband’s shoes.

4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.

5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.

6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.

7. When he’s supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the "apartments for rent."

8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.

9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.

10. Your husband’s cat has been missing for days.

[anna_66]

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"



BTW....very funny jokes everyone, I got a good chuckle this morning, Thanks!!!!http://www.theunholytrinity.org/cracks_smileys/contrib/dday/laugh.gif

[lizbud]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit ?

Tame way, unique up on it.
:D

[Edwina's Secretary]

>Pit Bull
>
>A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a
most
>unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black
>hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
>
>Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a

>leash. Behind her was 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't
>stand the curiosity.
>
>She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so
>sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but
I've
>never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
>
>The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband." "What
>happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
>
>She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman
>answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the
dog
>turned on her."
>
>A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

>
>"Can I borrow the dog?"
>
>"Get in line."

(My mother-in-law is a saint but this is still funny....)

[AmberLee]

1. Once you're over the hill you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine; sometimes I even put it in the food!
3. If it weren't for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan won't be evenly distributed.
5. I know that God won't give me more than I can handle; I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
6. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by again?
8. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
9. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
10. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
11. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
12. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
13. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
14. For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government program.
15. If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.
16. Bills travel through the mail twice the speed of checks.
17. A balanced diet is a french fry in each hand.
18. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
19. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
20. Junk is something you've kept for years but throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
22. Experience is a wonderful thing: it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
23. By the time you make ends meet they move the ends!
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the REAL world (how true...how true!).
25. Learn from the mistakes of others; you can't live long enough to make them all yourself!

[lizbud]

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad
skydiver?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn! A bad skydiver goes
damn, whack!

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.:D

[anna_66]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

[lizbud]

Anna_66,

ROTFLOL...:D :D :D FUNNY !!!:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone.http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif

[lynnestankard]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/uquakmeup.gif



Lynne :D :D

[anna_66]

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother
replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"http://www.plaudersmilies.de/rotwerd.gif

[gini]

All of these are so :D :D :D

[AmberLee]

HIGHER INTELLIGENCE.
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent 2 hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".

WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest knife in the drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

THE GRAND FINALE
This is a true story!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California,some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

[AdoreMyDogs]

Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
Q: Why did the blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
A: Because the box said "up to 20 pounds.
---------------------------


OMG, Niina this is HILARIOUS! All these jokes are absolutely wonderful but I have to say this one is one of my favorites :) It's SO funny and gross :)

A blond walked into a bar holding a pile of dog poo in her hand. Releved, she said to the other customers, "phew, look what I almost stepped in".

[Randi]

Those "Free" Soaps When Traveling

Attached is some correspondence that actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,

Dotty
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

[anna_66]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

[Randi]

A bit outdated, but still ....

Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk!
I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.


July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. But they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!
HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gifToo funny everyone. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[anna_66]

Ok, this one's a little dirty, if it offends anyone let me know & I will delete it! I just thought it was so funny!



http://www.netgrab.com/fun/members/3rulesofaging/3rules.jpg

[Former User]

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.

As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I stuck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.

[AmberLee]

What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?








:confused:








:rolleyes:








:eek:






:p








:D




Ans: Nothing!

[slleipnir]

haha great jokes!

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[rg_girlca]

A 40 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks in, watches her a while and then says, "You look ridiculous! What are you doing?" She says, " I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." He says, "Yeah right and what did he say about your 40 year old ass?"
"Nothing" she replied, "Your name never came up."



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and sirens, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULLOVER."
"NO," the blonde yelled back. "IT,S A SCARF."

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes rg_girlca. http://www.plauder-smilies.de/happy/roflmao.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif

[rg_girlca]

ROTFLMAO; Oh Tanya&Fritz i just love that application. Gotta get me one of those. LOL.

[AdoreMyDogs]

LOL LOL LOLOL!!!! http://www.plauder-smilies.de/happy/grlaugh.gif

LOVE the application :) All of my past boyfriends would have failed miserablly!

Randi...OMG the Soap thing is the funny beyond words! I was laughing hystarically when I read that :) http://www.plauder-smilies.de/happy/invasion.gif http://www.plauder-smilies.de/happy/invasion.gif

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gifhttp://www.plauder-smilies.de/happy/roflmao.gifhttp://www.plauder-smilies.de/rotfl.gif

[anna_66]

Blonde Joke

There was a blonde and she bought a brand new Convertible Porsche. She was driving along and she hit a guy's diesel. The man got out burning with anger. He pulled the blonde out of the car got a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the road and put the blonde in the circle and told her to stay in that circle. Then he got back in his diesel and ran over the blonde's new Porsche several times. Then when he got back he saw that the blonde was laughing. He asked:” why are you laughing? I just ran over your car”. The blonde said,"I got out of the circle 3 times".

[Former User]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hand

[Former User]

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before
marriage and after marriage.

[Former User]

From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds upduring the day.

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit 1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry 8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch

4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast 1 cup Steamed Spinach 1 cup Herb Tea 1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Rest of the Oreos in the package 2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream 1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner

2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza 4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer 3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

Rules For This Diet

If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinachand pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

[anna_66]

:D ROFLMAO:D

[Tanya&Fritz]

Here's a really stupid question, but what does ROFLMAO mean???

[gini]

That isn't a stupid question, I had to ask too.........

"rolling on the floor, laughing my a__ off!"

Rascal told me what it meant!;) ;)

[AmberLee]

IRISH POTATOES

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.


Shortly after sending the letter, the father received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the GUNS!"


At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up with shovels and dug up the entire garden. They found no munitions.


Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened.

His son's reply was: "Best I could do from here. Now plant your potatoes."

[krazyaboutkatz]

They were all so funny.http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gifhttp://www.plauder-smilies.de/lol2.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol9.gif

[anna_66]

The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

[krazyaboutkatz]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo and behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So what'll it be?
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "Iwant peace in the Middle East.
See the map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not that good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well I've never been able to find the right man.
You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That's what I wish for-a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f*ckin' map."

[ellensy]

Funny!! http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[gini]

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room- service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "uh, yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den? pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baychem..crease?"
G" Crisp will be fine."

RS:"Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes means."

RS: "Toes! toes! why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, and English muffin will be fine."

RS: "we bother?"
G: "no, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put in on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea..mill?"
G: "Yes, Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache. crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: Tendjewberrymud"
G: "you're welcome"

[lynnestankard]

OH ROTFLMAO - THESE JUST GET FUNNIER AND FUNNIER

Lynne

[anna_66]

I just love this one:D

A missionary met a lion as he was walking from one village to another.
The missionary fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. Nothing seemed to be happening; the lion was silent. The missionary peeped through his fingers and saw the lion on its knees, its face buried in his paws. The missionary in a trembling voice, “I am praying to be delivered from the jaws of death. But what on earth are you doing?”
The lion growled, “I’m saying grace.”

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone.http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[Former User]

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

8. Ice floating in toilet water.

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.

5. You can never find the leftovers.

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.

3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover".

1. Your apartment keys no longer work.

[Former User]

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideaways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special coctails for the ladies with the nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Norwegian coctail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

LOL http://216.40.249.192/mysmilies/contrib/blackeye/evil_laughter.gif LOL http://216.40.249.192/mysmilies/contrib/blackeye/evil_laughter.gif LOL http://216.40.249.192/mysmilies/contrib/blackeye/evil_laughter.gif LOL EVERYBODY

[krazyaboutkatz]

I agree.http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/uquakmeup.gif

[Former User]

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

[Former User]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel happy doing so."

That night the princess dined on frog's legs, laughing to herself and saying, "I don't think so."

[Former User]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Former User]

-When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

-What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

-What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

-Is there another word for synonym?

-If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

-If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

-If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

-If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

-If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

-If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

-What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

-If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

-How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

-If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

[Former User]

I don't do mornings :D

[Former User]

watered

[anna_66]

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

[LoudLou]

Hilarious Signs

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

[LoudLou]

The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"

[lizbud]

LoudLou, :D :D :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes.http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gifhttp://www.plauder-smilies.de/rotfl.gif

[Former User]

Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!

[Former User]

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

[anna_66]

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

[jackiesdaisy1935]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street, when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall shiny golden retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um, I hate liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.

"My, my," said the poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the lab and says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."



hope this hasn't already been posted on here!
Jackie, Daisy and Perry

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

GREAT JOKES EVERYBODY...... I REALLY LIKE THIS THREAD!! http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif

[Pam]

I posted this a few weeks ago in another thread, but for those who missed it, here it is. Being a 'poodle mom' it really struck me funny!

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/oe/2002/oe020404.gif

[lizbud]

Pam,
I saw that in our newspaper. Very Funny !!!:D :D
Look at the expression on the dog's faces. hee hee.:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone!http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gifhttp://www.plauder-smilies.de/lol2.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol9.gif

[Former User]

A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you can't solve," he said.

Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply said, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

[popcornbird]

"The New Father"

One day a new mother went out to run some errands, leaving her husband in charge of their baby son for the day.

The proud father played with his son all morning, but after a few hours, the baby began to cry uncontrollably. The father tried everything he could think of to get the baby to stop - he offered him the bottle, burped him, rocked him, but nothing seemed to work and the baby just cried more and more.

Finally, the new dad became worried, and decided to take the baby to the pediatrician.

The doctor began to examine the squalling baby, not finding anything wrong. Finally, he worked his way down and undid the child's diaper. "Well, here's your problem," the doctor chuckled, pointing at the overloaded diaper. "This baby hasn't been changed all day!"

The father scratched his head, perplexed. "But..." he said, "The diaper package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lol2.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol9.gif

[gini]

This was just sent to me and I thought I would add it for a new laugh!

TEN TOP DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS!

1. Yelling at me for barking...I am a dog you idiot.

2. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out. Who's walk is this anyway?

3. Any trick with balancing food on my nose...STOP IT!

4. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

5. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

7. Taking me to the vet for the big "snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Dog clothes....pathetic.

9. Fake fetch throws. You fooled a DOG! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!

10. Blaming your gas on me. Not funny.

[Former User]

LOL Gini, that's a good one!:D

[zippy-kat]

The local doctor, a married man, had to leave his home in the US and go over to Germany for a medical conference. While at the conference, the doctor met up with a beautiful woman and (for one night) forgot his wedding vows.

A month or so after his return to the US, he recieves a call from the German lady. "I'm pregnant." Shocked and angered he told her not to call again. She protested, "When the time comes, don't you even want to know if you have a son or daughter?" He decides to give her his home address and tells her to send a postcard (no return address of course) with a just a few words to hint at the sex of the baby.

Several months later, his wife calls him. "Honey, you recieved the strangest postcard from Germany in the mail today."
"Really? What's it say?"

"Sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut. Two with weiners, one without."

:D

[pupper-lover]

Not a joke, but I found it amusing.


Mind Games to Play with Humans - from Sammy 'the WonderDog' Cook

1) After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good before your humans bedtime.

2) Act like a convicted criminal! When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3) Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4) Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to "pee", sniff around the entire yard, as the humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5) Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go "poo". Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6) When you go for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing everytime a strange human walks by.

7) Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8) Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't appear until your human is panic stricken and close to tears.)

9) When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10) Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your moring pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

[Kfamr]

Originally posted by pupper-lover
3) Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.


9) When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10) Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your moring pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Simba has theese ones down pact.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here are a few cartoons. http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid24/p7332c8a704b6db348c26d8802efd4e41/fd97e610.jpg


http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid24/p1291232b83474df6940013474f41c95f/fd97e615.jpg



http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid24/p940be06dead5ff26ad8deae14aa571e6/fd97e611.jpg

[anna_66]

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[Randi]

A manual for a taperecorder, translated from Japanese started by stating:
This taperecorder has almighty functions!

... and on a paperknife:
This knife is very sharp, keep out of children!

[Randi]

A man's translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

[Former User]

Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.
The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.

One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was
hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other
without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying.
The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:

[PHONE] *RING*

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
BEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone
survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought

it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.
Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]

My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
computer never called again.

[Former User]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came
to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman
in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could
have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went right though. This time the
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road
and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

[Randi]

Here are the first chapters of:

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet. If you insist on waking a human at what it considers a "ridiculously early hour" for breakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you outside or in the basement as to feed you.

e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent; your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it's their gift after all.

f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it.

h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the litter box.

2.1 Catnip

Most cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and better even than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived of the ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a mixture of confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those partaking. If you are one of the latter, please skip to the next section.

Catnip is available in two forms, in the wild as an odd-looking plant that grows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches, and from the humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know of our weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often employing some very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough to leave any catnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter what you have to tear apart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to coerce us to do things which would otherwise be beneath us.

The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those cats under its influence to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly, purr at maximum volume, tear around the house at top speed, and do other things no sane cat would be caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your humans have a "video camera" and are prone to using it.

3. Water

Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would be really great if it wasn't so wet! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be colorless and contain nothing!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see Doors). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.

If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid, immediately stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into the liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. You may be pleasantly surprised to find beer or even milk! In any case, if the liquid is good, continue to sample, but only while your human is distracted. Some of the best water is ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that bob up and down in the liquid when pressed lightly. If your human protests, lick the condensation on the outside of the glass.

... to be continued. :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL everyone. http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lol2.gif http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif

[Former User]

A guest at a posh hotel called over the headwaiter one morning in the breakfast room.
The waiter gave him a cheerful smile and said, "Good morning, Sir! How can I help you?"
The guest replied, "What a wonderful morning it is! I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny and the other so overcooked that it's tough and hard to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that's been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away when you touch it with a knife; some butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of weak, lukewarm coffee, please." "Why, I'm sorry, Sir," the waiter replied, "but we cannot do that for you!"

"Oh, really?" The guest replied. "But that's exactly what I got yesterday!"

[Former User]

LOL, does this cat have (c)attitude or what? :D :rolleyes:

[pupper-lover]

Oh my! . . . Bad kitty!;)

[anna_66]

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

[Randi]

Rules for cats ..... continued

4. Sleeping

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans; if the cat is sharing a bed with two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.

B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer for it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in at night, with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good enough. There are several ways of registering your disapproval.

a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don't sleep in it, so why should you?

b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many fresh scars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well, I wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom at night" expression.

c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the appropriate drain pipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied "Meow" is sure to surprise them, as is the length of time you can do this without getting hoarse.

d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the catflap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they can open. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door and calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and yowl once they've closed it again.

..... to be continued tomorrow ;)

[ellensy]

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid24/p2e4d187e6b5b23da753add83d591702f/fd968308.jpg

[Cincy'sMom]

I haven't read all the pages of this thread...hope this isn't already here...
"Through the eyes of Little Folk"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do
wrong?"

[Pam]

Another cartoon! :)

http://www.offthemark.com/Images/cats/cat88.gif

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif

[Former User]

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig hotel elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Honk Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

[Former User]

Garfield is my all time fave comic, here's 2 I like very much!

[Former User]

And as I absolutely hate spiders, Garfield is my hero!! :rolleyes: :D

[lovemymaltese]

Why Parents Have Grey Hair

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman. "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, he asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffle and giggle, "Me."

[lovemymaltese]

That Garfield clipping was cute, I don't remember seeing that one in the paper.

[wolflady]

This isn't a joke, but I thought this picture was just too too funny! I always wondered where 'morning breath' comes from!!!
:eek:
LOL LOL

[Randi]

Originally posted by wolflady
This isn't a joke, but I thought this picture was just too too funny! I always wondered where 'morning breath' comes from!!!
:eek: LOL LOL
Arghhh! Wish I had a sleeping heart like him - not that I want to lay in that particular posision! :D I bet he's not bothered by noise either! :rolleyes:

[Randi]

.... continued

5.1 Games

a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account.

Warning: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"): Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.

d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant often results in the coming of the Vacuum Monster.

e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it.

f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can play. The game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat food is kept, and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue ("heading") is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws, running behind it as it moves (this is also known as the "kibble dribble"). If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with a "corner kick."

If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.

For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between herself and the kibbles and resuming the game.

The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.

g) "Rumpus Raising"

Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.

Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...

Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.

Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points if another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip or completely fall over the objects knocked over!

h) "Skiing"

This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played on throw rugs.

The next one tomorrow! :D

[Pam]

OK, here's another blonde joke. Sorry Zippy and Niina.....:)

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker then says, "Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

[Former User]

Originally posted by Pam
OK, here's another blonde joke. Sorry Zippy and Niina.....:)

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker then says, "Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

It's quite ok Pam.... good one! http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol9.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol9.gif

[Former User]

Do you say, "Nine and five is thirteen," or "Nine and five are thirteen" ?
Neither. Nine and five are fourteen.

How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.

How can you tell twin witches apart?
It's not easy to tell which witch is which.

How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?
He was shocked.

What animal doesn't believe anything?
Sheep. They always say, "Bah! Bah!"

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

5.2 Toys

Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.

a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.

c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all, in the old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront to a "real" cat.

..... continues tomorrow! :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[ellensy]

:D :D :D :D

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

6. Supervising (a.k.a. Hampering)

It is well known that humans are incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. This supervision is absurdly known by the humans as "hampering". If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and any others are idle, stay with the busy one. It would take a large book to describe all of the activities which need to be supervised, so only a condensed list is presented below.

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.

f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.

i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket, the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.

j) When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't paying attention to you. Fortunately, this problem is easy to remedy. You can easily obstruct the human's view of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it's low enough, with your even more beautiful body. Trampling on the keyboard is always good for some attention as well. Pay special attention to the keys marked "Esc", "Del", and "Brk". If you need to nap while supervising your human, good places are the keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the cord that the humans laughably call a "mouse", or on the human's arms. If the human insists on removing you from these choice locations, there's always the lap. If possible, while in the lap try to drape yourself on one of the human's arms.

k) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.

1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.

2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.

3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.

4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.

5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.

6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may be able to continue hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something and dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs or remove you again. This game can be played for hours.

..... will continue tomorrow! :D

[anna_66]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The
first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I
can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
They both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's,"
replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to
St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?"
he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lol2.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol9.gif

[Former User]

cats bed :rolleyes:

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

7. Scratching Posts

It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which can be scratched without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.

8. The Vacuum Cleaner

This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

.... will continue tomorrow! :D

[Former User]

oh, how true this is.... :rolleyes:

[Former User]

Ewwwwwww, I'll go somewhere else :D

[Former User]

Hey, gotta be prepared! :D

[Former User]

:D

[Former User]

Heh heh :D :D

[Former User]

well, what is it then? :confused: ;)

[krazyaboutkatz]

Those are great Niina. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[Randi]

The bed one hit the nail on the head! How true! Do any of us get sufficient sleep here? :D

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

9. Doors

To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to "encourage" you to leave.

If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the door to exclude a cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the door to open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door, immediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door, immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it's the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the human wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to pretend that the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.

Sometimes doors can be opened by cats without the aid of humans. Such doors must be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname "Tail-Biter" tells it all.

If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since the last time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts to remove you before you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human removes you anyways.

Will continue tomorrow! :D

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.1 Waking Them Up

It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.

One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.

If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so.

Warning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.

Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.

.... continues tomorrow :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Too funny. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[Former User]

Judy walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a 'True or False' exam. She immediately reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin, she would write down an answer.
"What are you doing?," the professor asked her.
"I'm figuring out the answers," Judy replied. To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away.
When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my God!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.
"My goodness," the professor said, giving her strange look. "What on Earth are you doing now?"

"What do you think?" Judy replied. "I'm checking my answers!"

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga020708.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga020707.gif

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.2 Mornings

In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also "Waking Them Up". The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing.

.... continues tomorrow! :D

[NoahsMommy]

Randi,

I LOVE these!! I haven't checked this thread in a while and got to read them all at once!!! So funny!! Did my cats help you write these??

hee hee

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.3 Guests

a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better.

b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.

10.4 Laps

Undoubtedly the best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also "Guests"). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!

..... continues tomorrow! :D

[Former User]

At McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve" was the reply. "So I can't
order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago:
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked
up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know
how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid for
the things and left.
She had no clue as to what had just happened.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"copies. :rolleyes:

[pupper-lover]

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another?
Where are their priorities?
> > > >
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
> > > >
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
> > > >
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
> > > >
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
> > > >
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
> > > >
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
> > > >
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
> > > >
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
> > > >
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
> > > >
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
> > > >
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
> > > >
Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?
> > > >



CAT LETTER TO GOD
> > > >
Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.

[gini]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by pupper-lover
DOG LETTERS TO GOD

[b]Those are so sweet!

[gini]

A creative writing class was given the assignment of writing a short essay including these four elements.

RELIGION

ROYALTY

SEX

MYSTERY

The prize winning entry read.............

'MY GOD," SAID THE QUEEN, "I AM PREGNANT,
I WONDER WHO DID IT!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

These are great. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[Former User]

Today's Garfield is cute :D

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

HA!! HA!!
FUNNY STUFF EVERYBODY!!!

[Randi]

Ohhh, I nearly forgot! :o

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.5 Confusing Them

Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with "Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.

Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to convince the human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the house. A third way, which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter People". If they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.

..... continues tomorrow! :D

[AmberLee]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a weathered brass lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared!



The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...sorry! Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"



The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting with each other."



The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! Those countries have been at war for thousands of years. I may be good, but I'm not THAT good! I don't think it can be done, even by me. You better make another wish."



The woman thought for a minute and then said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one who's considerate and fun, likes to cook, helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's my wish, a good mate!"



The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"

[Former User]

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's to way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

[Former User]

Ugh

[Former User]

:D :D :D

[Former User]

Hanging in there :D

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

10.6 Organization

Let's face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision in order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters, retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters' home organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household properly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call "tax return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate them to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This should be done when the humans aren't around, as they will always interfere. When the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such sayings as "Stupid cat!" and "You little monster!" At this point, you should say "You're welcome!" with purring and rubbing against his/her legs.

continues tomorrow! :D

[Former User]

Redneck humour

[Former User]

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.




Love,
Your $on.






- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -







Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad.

[Former User]

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo


Atomic Weight: Don't even go there!!


Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time.
Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.



Element Name: MAN

Symbol: Xy

Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 50

Physical Properties: Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find pure sample.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

[lovemymaltese]

A joke as told to me by my 4 year old niece.

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?

A. You put a little boogie in it.


I thought that it was precious.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/MySmilley.gif

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

11. Vets And Medicine

The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.

b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be really unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.

..... continues tomorrow! :D

[anna_66]

Genre: Marriage Jokes

At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.
The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.
George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked,
“Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me
to stand here.”

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gifhttp://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga020714.gif

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

12. Illness

a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.

c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip.

d) If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see Mornings), cover the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object besides the carpet.

Continues tomorrow! :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great Garfield comic strip. http://www.gifs.net/animate/a-garfb.gif LOL http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

13. Cat "Clubs"

When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to say, cats thought of the idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their names for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document falls into the hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As with humans, cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to many.

a) The "Lap Fungus" Club
Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes available and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat can get as much attention as s/he wants. See also Laps. Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your friend."

b) The "Chatterbox" Club
Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal commands. Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"

c) The "Garbage Truck" Club
Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift to cats and that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe. Anything that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the cat can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise "punished" by the humans. Club motto: "I'll help you clean that!"

d,e,f follows tomorrow :D

[Ann]

LOL@the Prozac pic!

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued


d) The "Elephant Cat" Club
It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than one member of this club per household. "Elephant" cats for some perverse reason enjoy making their nocturnal games, such as "Kibble Soccer", "Tag", and "Rumpus Raising" (see Games) as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking things over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half the fun is getting the human to participate too. Club motto: "Did you see the look on his face when..."

e) The "Bed Hog" Club
Cats who are members of this club like to sleep in their humans' bed. Of course, in order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some room and it is often necessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if there are two humans and/or two or more cats. In households with more than one club member, skilled cats who cooperate can make the humans resemble pretzels (which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall out of the bed entirely. Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!"

f) The "Early Breakfast" Club
Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their human's bedroom at some early hour, say, 1 a.m. They then awaken the human (see Waking Them Up and Mornings) insisting on being fed. These cats believe that their humans can be trained to be awake during prime play time. Be aware, however, that humans are stubborn and may instead lock cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do other anti-social things instead of feeding them. Club motto: "Life begins after midnight."

g, h, i follows tomorrow! :D

[Tanya&Fritz]

Popcornbird:

The picture I posted was no worse than any of the others. I have deleted all of my posts in this thread. I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else. I thought the picture was hilarious.

[AmberLee]

Fri. 12 Jul "Cats with Hands" cartoon (http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmcat/2002/tmcat020712.gif) :D

[AmberLee]

Sat. 13 Jul "Cats with Hands" cartoon (http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmcat/2002/tmcat020713.gif) :D ;)

[anna_66]

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.



**************************************************


An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif These are great. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[delidog]

i love everyones' jokes!!! this is a great thread!!!
thank you for all the laughs!!! keep it going!!!!!!!!!!

[gini]

Originally posted by AmberLee
Sat. 13 Jul "Cats with Hands" cartoon (http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmcat/2002/tmcat020713.gif) :D ;)

Amberlee, thanks for posting these. I have the site as a favorite, but it hasn't been updated since June 25th.

I especially liked the one you shared that showed a cat in the board room - batting the wand to the venetian blinds - and saying to the President (Cat) "I'm listening"!!

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

g) The "Door Into Summer" Club
This Club mainly performs its activities during the cold months or when it is raining. After a human obeys the master's command to open a door and a blast of cold air fills the room or rain splashes the cat, the cat wrinkles his/her nose and walks away. The ritual continues at each door in the house (sometimes including closets) until the human either kicks the cat out the door, or decides to ignore the cat altogether. In the first case, the cat must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in while looking as pathetic as possible. In the second, the cat must attempt to make the human want to let him/her out. See Hampering for suggestions. Club motto: "Just because it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at the back."

h) The Heat-Seeking Missile Club
These cats believe in keeping warm at all costs. The best method is to lie right up against the heating vent. Make sure all the warm air is absorbed into your fur. Careful grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad dandruff problem. When the heat is not running, more creative solutions must be found. Caving into the cat bed, human bed, or any afghan or blanket available is good. It's best if the blanket was already mounded up, so that the cat is completely invisible underneath. As a last resort, curl up on a lap or with another cat. Club motto: "It's cold out there!"

i) The "Fraidy Cat" Club
To this club belong the cats of nervous and/or neurotic disposition. Any strange object or human is to be treated as a mortal danger until it is absolutely it isn't dangerous. They even have to keep an eye on the humans they know, just in case. These cats know all of the good hiding spots in the house/apartment, including the ones that humans swear no cat could fit into, and are generally of little use to anybody except when it is checkup time at the vet's and it is important to be invisible. Club motto: "Yeek! What's that?"

.... continues tomorrow! :D

[anna_66]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"