serious concerns about my daughter....

[carole]

Well today is my Melissa's 14th Birthday and ironically on this day I am very distressed and worried about her.

To cut a long story short i was looking for her socks under her bed and came across a folder she had hidden under there, i don't know why i felt the need to look at it but i did,inside were some very dark deep thoughts,of which scared me so much, my daughter who comes across as a bright, energetic,happy,outgoing girl with plenty of self esteem seems to be quite the opposite, she seems to be obessed with death and darkness, and she is cutting herself, to ease her pain, she feels depression, and that she is ugly and fat, and cutting herself makes her feel beautiful , the more pain she feels the better she feels, i know she is doing this because she has a piece of paper covered in dry blood.

You can all imagine how terrible i am feeling inside, i cannot believe this is happening and i have simply no idea how to handle it all, she is also having boy problems and some of that is written in there too.

I have never been able to understand this cutting thing, and i really need some help and advice as where to go from here,from anyone who has been through it,from parents to teenagers, i know she will be unhappy that i have read this folder for one, but my concerns for her wellbeing are very high right now, i think maybe she needs counselling as i am no expert.

I am beside myself with worry and i just don't have a clue what to do for the best, i really need some help here,i feel like my whole world has fallen in around me, that i have been oblivious to all of this and not noticed anything, i just want to help her anyway i can.

Please any advice will be much appreciated.

[jenluckenbach]

WOW, that is quite a shock and I am sorry, but it is good to find this out because now help can be given.

I have no advice from the standpoint of parenting (I never had kids) and I never had such a serious problem as cutting either, but I KNOW depression, and only professional councelling/medication/therapy etc. will help. It is an area you cannot control with simple determination.`

You will need to find a way to confront her (and I would think that you know her best and can find a way)....but don't delay. the next episode could be the worst. :(

Prayers to you and she.

[Karen]

Oh, Carole, what a heartbreaking thing to find. Do not be ashamed of knowing it beforehand, many "cutters" are very adept at hiding it from everyone. It seems to be a sadly common phenomenon these days among teens.

http://self-injury.net/familyandfriends/

[Roxyluvsme13]

Wow. I considered being a cutter, but never did it, because I didn't want to get addicted to self-inflicting pain on myself. Yeah, I don't think I'm very pretty and that I'm fat myself, so I kind of see how she feels. Basically all I can say if offer her support and such. I'm sorry I'm not being much of a help, but I hope she can get her problems worked out.
(((HUGS))) to her and to you.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Carole, I'm so sorry to hear this.:( At least you now know what's going on with her. She needs professional help. Lots of prayers and positive thoughts are being sent her way. Please take care.

[carole]

Thank you both, yes i feel sick in the stomach just thinking about it all, i really don't know how serious it really is, whether it is just a stage she is going through and it will pass or what, but it is not something i want to ignore, i just thought she knew she could share her worries with me, but i guess not many teenagers do just that.

The thing is Melissa in neither fat or ugly,she does have some normal skin issues right now,which i did not think were bothering her as she never complains, obviously she is feeling all this despite it not being true, it does not matter how many people tell you different , if you feel it yourself.

Yes Jen i know that depression side of things only too well, i guess poor Melissa is genetically prone to it, from my side,you know i just don't know how to approach it all , thats just it, she will be so mad i have invaded her privacy, but at the same time i just cannot ignore my findings, i will discuss it with hubby tonight,and see what our action plan is from there.

I sure have never experienced this before,and i am going to need to deal with this with a lot of sensitivity thats for sure.

Karen i will go and check out that website , thanks for that, i guess educating myself on what i am dealing with is a sensible move on my part.

[jazzcat]

Carole I have no experience with this but I just wanted you to know how sorry and I am and that you and Melissa are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Muddy4paws]

Sorry to hear about this, My little brother started harming himself and he is alot younger, we had a school counsiler talk to him about his problems and it seemed to go very well for him, maybe something like that can help?

Do you normally go in her room? I mean would she automatcally asume you were snooping in her room if you confronted her?

I know when I was at school I was depressed to the point that I planned a way out and it terrifies me now to think about how close I was and to be honest I think all I needed was someone to talk to and someone who wouldn't judge me for anything I did, Luckily someone did help me and eventhough I still get like that now I know I can talk to my boyfriend about anything and even if hes just sitting there for a shoulder to cry on it makes things a whole lot better to get things out instead of keeping it all in letting it build up so maybe talking to someone else like an aunt or someone will help a bit I know you probably wouldn't judge her but I knew I couldn't talk to my parents because I was ashamed and I knew it would break their hearts knowing I was feeling like that.

I remember talking to a complete stranger on the net about everything before and I just felt so much better for someone knowing how I felt and not caring if they judged me or not because I didnt know them and would never meet them so I didnt really care it was just the fact that I could get it out of my system to someone

Im not a parent but Im 18 years old so maybe see this from her point of view?

You DO need to confront her some way alone and let her know that no one else needs to know and that you want to help her in anyway you can

[carole]

Thanks everyone your input is so helpful, i feel gutted knowing that she feels she cannot talk to me,but i understand it as well, i am not always the easiest to talk to and a very easily stressed out individual myself, so i can understand her reluctance to open up to me, i really have to find a way for her to open up to me, i cannot believe my little girl who always seems to be happy to me and full of life, is so despondent and unhappy within herself, it pains me deeply to know she has been suffering alone, i am sure she shares this stuff with her friends,but then again i am not so sure.

I have always been a bit concerned with her kind of obession with horror movies and the like, i do wonder if this has influenced her some.

I just have to be very careful how i talk to her about it, that i know and that scares me, i don't want to make matters worse.

[Catty1]

OMG. Well, you and your husband would have to go to counselling along with her...some maybe there might be some simple ways to get the communication happening better.

And "privacy" is a bit different when it's a 14 year old and her parents...if she was 30, then that's perhaps another thing.

You may want to set up an appt with your family Dr for all three of you, and do sort of an 'intervention'.

Hopefully that site will have some good info on it!

HUGS and PRAYERS

[sirrahved]

I was a cutter. I've posted about it before on PT. Back then, regardless of what I said, I would have loved to been in counseling.

I actually progressed to attempting suicide. Seriously... I'd say put her into counseling. Don't give her a choice, because she'll probably say no, and I hate you, and I can't believe you looked at MY PRIVATE PROPERTY... you'll still probably get all of this by ordering her into counseling (fair warning) but she will be getting HELP.

I'll be praying for you and your family!

[dukedogsmom]

Unfortunately, it's very common amongst teens and I just don't understand why. I'm sorry you had to find out but glad also. You can help her now where before, you had no clue. She probably will hate you but later on, she'll thank you.

[DJFyrewolf36]

Being a former cutter myself, I can understand how much the pressure to be "accepted" by peers really can bring a person down...and as a teenager I know that I didn't want to trust ANYONE with my feelings! What helped me, was my mom appoaching me as a concerned friend, not a freaked out parent. It's hard, but the approach makes all the difference in the world!

[dukedogsmom]

That's a good point. I was going to suggest she do research before approaching her. I know it must be difficult to be a parent and friend.

[GreyhoundGirl]

Oh, I am so sorry. :( ((( HUGS ))) I agree with counceling. I was just wondering.... Is she overwieght? ( No offence ) I don't really have much experience with this kind of thing. If she isn't overwieght ( as many people who are belive they are ) you could try showing her this: http://www.wral.com/health/4575356/detail.html click calculate your childs BMI.

Good thoughts your way.

[luvofallhorses]

I am so, so sorry, Carole. :( (((hugs))) you and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[GreyhoundGirl]

I just found out: %72 of females ( all ages ) are the RIGHT weight, 59 % of them considered themselves "fat". :eek:

It is so sad the # of teens that consider and even attempt suicide. ( so sad I won't even post it. :( )

Once again, I am so sorry this is happening to you. :(

[Toby's my baby]

I am so sorry. :( I agree with everything previously suggested. I was pretty sad this last year, not depressed, but I sure felt like it. I too, messaged a stranger on the internet, a man, about 4 years older than me. I told him EVERYTHING, he always listened to me, and gave me advice. Though I haven't talked to him in real life, only through messages, I feel that he probably saved my life. He was a huge help to me, and always helped me hold my head up a little higher.

Last year, I had boy trouble too, a relationship of mine was broken up after a year and three months, I didn't see it comming at all, and I was devastated. Soon after, I started dating a guy 2 years older than me, I thought he was great, but everyone EVERYONE, was mad at me, and I lost all my friends. I realized who my true friends were at that moment in time.

Right now, I am the happiest I have ever been. I'm starting over, a new school, new friends, and even a new boyfriend. I'm so happy. Maybe something new in your daughters life will help?

I still find it terribly hard to talk to my mom, even though she says that I can talk to her about anything, and she won't get upset. Taking things from the friend side, and not a motherly side is a great way. My mom still to this day doesn't know anything about me. I never tell her if I get a new boyfriend, or if a boyfriend breaks up with me. She never has known about me being "depressed". To tell you the truth, I actually WANTED professional help. I ended up having an anxiety attack last Febuary, which was very very scary. A few days after the attack, my dad brought me to the doctor because I was haveing trouble breathing. The doc suggested getting me professional help, because he thought I was stressed out or depressed. My dad refused to take me to a doctor, because he didn't want to think that there was anything wrong.

Your daughter is going to be FURIOUS with you, I'd expect the worst. I don't want to lie to you, I would be too, being a teenager and all. Just tell her that you are only trying to do what is best for her, and that you are sorry you didn't already know about all this. DO NOT get mad at her, at all, listen to her, she will talk when she is ready. Whatever you do, don't tell her you know what she is going through, that is probably the worst things to say, because truthfully, no parent does. The world us teens are growing up in now, is so different than what you grew up in, it moves at 100 miles an hour.

I would suggest reading a book, you don't have to read it before you talk to her, just read it starting as soon as possible. In my opinion, it is the best book I've ever read. Being a teenager, I think it hits a bullseye on everything we go through in todays world, I'm going to have my mom read it when I am done. It is called: Reviving Ophelia - Saving The Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

[kuhio98]

carole ~ I'm so sorry. I've never had children either, but I think counseling is necessary. This is bigger than the both of you and needs a 3rd party with knowledge and experience about the subject. Please don't take it personally that she didn't confide in you. This is about her. Her needing to hide how she really feels about herself. She probably didn't want to worry you so she kept it to herself. That's what kids do. And I don't know if "confront" is the right word. Just show your love and concern for her and tell (not ask) her that you guys are going for counseling. The therapist might want to see you both sometimes and then individually. If she feels confortable with the therapist, she will tell them everything that she's been holding in. You might call the counselors at her school (you don't have to give your name if you are worried they will "label" your daughter) and tell them why you are looking for a therapist and see if they have any recommendations. You may find that this is much wider spread than you realized and they may have dealt with it before.

Fingers and paws crossed that with help, she will slowly and surely come to love herself. Thank goodness you found out before it got worse.

[CathyBogart]

My best friend in high school was a cutter, and I think she would have been better off if she had had a mom like you, Carole. Her mom was so freaked out by it that she had my friend institutionalized for months! When she came out of that she was so much worse off. Knowing her as well as I did, I think that if her mom had sat down and talked to her about it and then sent her to rpivate counseling, and possibly counseling for both of them, things could have improved instead of going downhill.

Good thoughts for the times to come, I'm sure you'll do the right thing, whatever that is, but it won't be easy.

[catnapper]

Oh Carol, what a truly surprising thing to find. I don't know what to suggest since I've never had those feelings myself nor did my girls (that I know of). I do hope you are able to talk to her and get her to open up. Know we're here if you need ot talk!

[caseysmom]

I am so sorry Carole, unfortunately it is almost "cool" for the kids to cut themselves it seems so it is hard to tell who is saying that to be cool and who is in serious danger. Being a teen is a hard confusing time, your daughter has always reminded my of my youngest who is the easy one for me so I am pretty surprised.

I would set up an appt for some family counseling, it will surely help all of you to at least open the lines of communication.

[Laura's Babies]

You need to get her help ASAP! The key is in getting them help as soon as you find out. Waiting could cost you her life.

You should, without alarm, let her know that you know and do not approve and would like her to stop because YOU LOVE HER and that she needs help and you will get her that help... She does NOT need to know HOW you found out, you may need that source again so keep that to yourself.

[Soapets]

I am so sorry to read this news. Start praying immediately that God will keep a protective shield around her, and that He will put the right people in her path, every step of the way, to guide her in the direction He wants her life to go.

Next, I think it is very important that you let her know that you are concerned about her, and that you love her. Let her know you want to be there for her and won't be judgemental. Tell her that you want to help her find someone neutral she can talk to, i.e. a counselor. Also tell her that these kinds of thoughts and feelings are oftentimes associated with a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be helped with medication. Let her know there is help for her, and that if she's afraid, deep down inside, that it is natural to be afraid when these kinds of thoughts and feelings come and seemingly can't be controlled (even if she doesn't want to admit it).

Make an appointment with her doctor and ask her doctor for a referral to a counselor. She may also benefit greatly from antidepressant medication. I should have been on antidepressant medication starting when I was about 10 years old, looking back, but didn't get on them until I was 29. The difference they made was amazing. But counseling is very important, also.

I would also like to suggest the book "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. There is a workbook to go along with it. It will help YOU, because it will guide you in helping your daughter, through prayer, whether or not she is aware of it and/or wants it.

I hope this helps some. In the meantime, I will keep both you and your daughter in my prayers.

Deb

[rg_girlca]

Carole, I agree that this is something that you cannot ignore. It's funny though that you found this under her bed. Usually something like this is hidden away in the back of a child's closet. Did she not think that you would find it by cleaning under there, or does she do her own cleaning. Maybe this was her way of crying out for help, who knows. This is just my opinion.

After you talk with your husband, you will both have to decide how to approach Melissa about this. I know how easy it will be to go into this with both barrels loaded, but calmness is the best approach. Let her know that you were just curious as to what it was and just took a peek at it, but then realized the seriousness of it and how it made you feel. She might be very angry with you for prying into her business and feel that she does not need any councelling, but you and your husband will have to stand firm on what your decision will be on this.

I pray that in the end, everything will turn out for your family.

[carole]

Thank you everyone, your replies have been most interesting offering me several different opinions and options, firstly in answer to a question no Melissa is not overweight, she has a little puppy fat around her tummy but seriously she is quite a slim long build like her dad,and she is not short like me either,counselling does appear a very good option, and yes i wondered about her hiding place, seriously it was not what you would call hidden was it,she does clean her own room now and then, but she knows i can go in there any time at all.

She does tell me about her meeting a new boy and has a new boyfriend at the moment, not that they go out on dates, but talk on the phone etc,she had one who dumped her and she was as she told me in love with him, there is some stuff in there about him, but i figured she had moved on, don't worry i will not tell her i know how she feels, because i don't really, i have never had the desire to cut myself in any way at all, i do wonder if it is the in thing with her group of friends, i had noticed a while back one friend with cuts on her legs, i approached her about it and she came up with some answer that i accepted, but now i think about it and have to wonder.

I know being a teen is a hard time in life, but being a parent is pretty darn hard too,however i have the years upon her in my life to give her advice and show her how much i love and care for her.

I am so saddened to read how she feels about herself, i always thought she had a good self image, she sure used to have,i guess becoming a teen changed all that.

Thank you also to the teens who responded, i was really hoping for your output, some of you have been there yourself and can give me a different perspective on it all.

[Karen]

Another link for you to read, Carole - http://www.selfinjury.com/sifacts.htm

The first link I posted up above is a "what to do/what not to do" link for family or friends.

This one is more general information, both sites have a lot of information.

[Iilo]

Hi Carole,

As a recovering cutter, I'm sorry to hear that you found this out about your daughter. Depending on how long she's been doing it and how addicted she is (this has a lot to do with how predisposed to addiction she is), you both may have a long hard road ahead of you.


I considered being a cutter, but never did it, because I didn't want to get addicted to self-inflicting pain on myself.
I'm glad you didn't start cutting, Bri... But I'm disturbed by your sentiments about it. Cutting isn't something you "consider" -- or rather, it shouldn't be. With the help of the internet and the new trend of "emo," self-harm has almost become a hobby rather than an affliction.


I am so sorry Carole, unfortunately it is almost "cool" for the kids to cut themselves it seems so it is hard to tell who is saying that to be cool and who is in serious danger.
It's true that in some circles, cutting is a trend. However, *anyone* who does it, and a lot of people who simply think about doing it IMHO, should get counseling, no matter WHAT their reasons. Children who are willing to inflict pain on themselves because it is cool definitely have some issues that need to be sorted out through therapy.

Telling her
you know and do not approve
Might not be the best idea. I would definitely approach her and talk to her about it -- but "do not approve" is not a sentiment I would express to someone in that fragile state. Support, support, support.

http://www.psyke.org/ is one of my favorite sites for coping. I'd give her that link as soon as you open up lines of conversation. Until she has decided that she wants to quit (which may take a while, I still question myself if it was the right decision or not), you cannot FORCE her to. Taking away sharp objects just made ME want to cut more -- if she's seriously addicted, she will find some way. Again, SUPPORT is key rather than trying to prevent and physically hoard away from her anything you think she could harm herself with (ANYTHING can be a self-harming tool).

http://www.selfinjury.org/indexnet.html this is a very good link that will provide you with lots of information and will dispell many myths about SI.

I can't stress enough how important it is for her to see a therapist. Try very hard to bring her into the selection of one -- if you don't have to drag her kicking and screaming to one, that is. The most important therapist choice issue, IMO, is gender -- would she prefer to talk to a man or a woman. Try and find someone with a background in SI or Borderline Personality Disorder (a disorder commonly associated with SI).

Good luck, Carole. She's lucky to have a mom like you. You'll both get through this fine.

[trayi52]

Carole, I don't know what to say except that I am sorry to hear this. I am a parent, and never had this problem, thank god. You and your precious daughter will be in my prayers along with sending you lots of good thoughts.

Willie

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Wow. I have no idea where to even start.

I'm a cutter, I'll just come out and admit that. I posted about it in the "Tell us something about you" thread also. No, I don't do it for attention. No, I'm not POSTING this for attention, I'm merely trying to help, from Melissa's point-of-view, in a sense.

I agree with Iilo. Cutting HAS become a trend, and you don't really "condsider" becoming one. There's no way to explain why... why a person cuts. It feels right at the time, and I wish I had never listened to my head the first time I did it, because it has become an addiction for me.

Carole, Melissa will be angry when she finds out that you found her folder, as anyone would be. I think everyone is right. Counseling is probably your best option. I have no idea how to go about bringing the topic up to her though. :( I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Please IM me on Yahoo, okay?

Lots of hugs and love.

[Reachoutrescue]

I know I do not know you, but I am sorry to hear about what you found out. That is so sad. The poor girl...and poor you. I don't know what to say except get her the help she needs now before it gets worse. Do you think her friends are influencing any of this? When I was younger, "cutting" was the "in" thing. I was dumb for going along. That is why I felt I should comment to your thread. I went through it when I was 16, drove my folks crazy! They talked to my school and put me in group counsling there and then in counsling out of school too. I was angry, but I soon realized that I was hurting myself and the ones that loved me. After about two years of theorpy, I got better. She will too. Just be there for her....support her...listen to her. Let her know that is is okay to hurt, but not to hurt herself. Let her know she is your everything and you want her to be "okay". Maybe not now, but oneday she will say "Thanks Mom".

Good luck. You will be in my thoughts.

[Jadapit]

Gosh, that must have been such a shock for you to read. :( I'm so sorry. Your and your daughter will be in my thought and prayers. (((Hugs)))

[carole]

thanks again everyone, i have read all your replies and taken each and everyone in, i have contacted the school counsellor, and am taking it from there, she thought it was not necessary for me to tell her i had seen the folder,merely the fact i saw cuts on her upper arm last night, i was able to approach the subject ,it did of course not go down too well, she had an excuse for everything,I do think her friends have an influence on her and this emo that was mentioned just got mentioned to me by a friend, i believe this could have a bearing on it as well, she does like gothic stuff, i think one of her friends is a cutter myself, just how much is influence or a trend that i am not so sure of.

I am trying my best, to talk to her about it, but it is not achieving much, i suggested a counsellor, well she was not having a bar of that, nothing wrong with her in her opinion, she said a friend had done the stuff on her arm and it was fun, all of them did stuff like that for fun, yeah right.

I know we have a long hard road ahead of us, and i am still very concerned, even though the counsellor re-assured me, she said she was not trivilising it, but that it is very common amongst teenage girls today ,and that she would keep and eye on it, but not panic,easier said than done .

I think boys are playing a big part in her self loathe feelings too, she is getting too keen on one in particular and is feeling rejected by him i think,just reading between the lines.

Thanks for all the good luck wishes, i sure am going to need each one of them.

[Catty1]

I hope your husband joins you for a sit-down with her. Could you two meet with the counsellor at the school, and have your daughter called to the office?

As someone posted here, the reason doesn't matter - the action is serious.

hugs! You may have to drag her kicking and screaming, but she will be grateful for it.

Prayers going out to you.

[kuhio98]

You may have to drag her kicking and screaming, but she will be grateful for it.I agree. You may have to drag her kicking and screaming. She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to like you. But, someday (oh, when she's about 30 or so :rolleyes: ), she'll thank you. She'll realize that you stopped her from heading down a very unhappy road.

[MajesticCollies]

Its your right to snoop and since you did go get help for her immediately. As a parent you don't want to think this will fix itself. We will pray for you here at Majestic Collies.

[Corinna]

As a parent of adult kids I can only imagine the shock you had. My kids never did that so i can offer nothing but prayers for you and your family.

[cali]

ok my friend is around your daughters age, she said that she used to do the same thing, she suggested taking your daughter out shopping, she said to set a certain amount of money aside for her and tell her she can pick out whatever she likes, and no matter what tell her she looks good, take an interest in her music and her styles etc.. build up her confidence and make her feel good, my friend said that was you build up her confidance and make her feel good about herself, if she asks a question dont lie be as open as possable, she said that when your daughters conifidence in you is built up and she has a really good relationship with you she will open up to you sooner or later, the key is to make her feel wanted, and dont be pushy, let her come to you, dont push her or she will clam up. my friend said that when her dad started taking a close interest in her life and made her confortable around him, she opened up to him and she no longer cuts herself.

[carole]

Thanks Cali i have taken all those points into consideration, i do take an interest in Melissa's life, but you know sometimes we all slip a little, maybe i need to make a more conscious effort to do just that, thanks for the tips, I am more than happy to go shopping with her, but she does not really want to go anymore with mum, mainly her friends, something that i really miss too, she has some birthday money to spend, so that would be a good opportunity for us to go out together and do some retail therapy.

I really do hope it is just a phase as simple as that, but i do realise it is not something i can accept as just that, and need to take action regardless of the reason behind it all.

She does have an unhealthy obession with the darker side of things, IMO, i have always worried about that, and it only surfaced in the last year or so, before that she was more interested in volunteering with cats etc, i think i also need to get her more involved in recreation, like sports and the like again, we had decided to have a year off, but i know think this may have been a serious mistake.