I can't stop crying

[Samantha Puppy]

Josh and I were dealt a BIG blow yesterday when Aidan's daycare provider announced their family is moving out-of-state at the end of August. To you all, it's as easy as finding another daycare but to us, it is damn near the end of the world.

She is the wife of one of my coworkers and their house is less than a mile and a half from my office. She has a 3 year old and 19 month old triplets, so Aidan still got the benefits of being socialized, even though he was in a home environment. And she only charges us $125 every two weeks, because she knows how expensive regular daycare is and how difficult it is to find a place that has openings for part-time children, but even worse yet, part-time infants.

And now, we only have six or so more weeks with her. I've already begun looking into other "actual" daycares in the area. I found a lovely lady who thinks she'll be able to take Aidan on in August for $160 a week. I know that's still not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but it means I'll have to go back to work full-time. And I am in hysterics just thinking about it. It's hard enough working part-time. I literally bust out the door at 2pm every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to go get my boy. I cannot even fathom how I could handle 8 hours a day, every day.

Josh is annoyed with me because I told him that my working full-time should be the absolute LAST case scenario. I want to look into moving, deffering his student loans, me getting an evening/weekend job, anything other than going back to full-time. As he is looking at it purely from the financial side of things, he cannot understand why I'm not willing to just say "Well, back to full-time work for me!" That has me even more upset because he's accusing me of being lazy and selfish. Maybe I am, I don't know. But I just cannot deal with the thought of dropping him off at 7:30 every morning, not picking him up until 5pm, getting to feed him once, having an hour of time together (maybe) and then putting him to bed. The thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm so upset. I don't know what we're going to do and it's worse yet that we don't have much time to figure things out. I can't stop crying.

[JenBKR]

aw sweetie ((((hugs)))) That's a really tough situation for you. Could you maybe put an add in the newspaper for a part time babysitter? Then do interviews and check references, maybe you can find someone else you like. I don't have kids yet, but I totally agree with you and understand your position, you want to spend as much time as possible with Aiden. I think you are right for wanting to spend that time with him, he'll only be that age once.

[Cataholic]

I have posted two responses, and deleted them, as you would probably hate me for life.

Let me just say this: I would do nearly anything that I could to stay at home full time with my son. I wouldn't let my husband, or, anyone else, tell me what I knew was 'best' for my child. Daycare is not what is best. Not by a long shot. It is a necessary evil for SOME people, and I don't consider you in that grouping. It is 'good enough', and 'kids survive'...all the stuff you hear. But, for MY child? I would want better.

I am single. It is a necessity that I work. I work as little as I can, and I spend every moment- and I repeat- every moment outside of work with my child. I would change careers if I could work less and earn enough to keep us in our home.

I hope you will do what is in Aiden's best interest. :(

[catnapper]

I am so sorry!

If you decide to move, you can move ot Pennsylvania and I could watch Aidan - I'd be watching Ashley's baby anyway ;) I know thats not a real solution, but hopefully one will pop up soon.

[caseysmom]

I worked full time after taking the first 5 months off for maternity leave. I have a state job and it was just too secure and too hard to get to quit. I did have a grandmother type of in home day care and I think that is much better than an institution type, at least for an infant.

Maybe you can hang out at parks and talk to some other moms, there are bound to be some folks at home with their kid that would love to earn a little extra money.

[Karen]

Oh dear, Jamie. Ask everyone you know. Check with your church or place of worship, see if they know anyone who might need some extra income and is already at home with their child, for example.

Six weeks is a short time, but something will turn up, I am sure of it.

Are there any other mothers you know who might want to swap off child care with you? You know, her baby comes over your house while they work and vice versa?

Is there a communiy group that might know about childcare options? Some colleges that have Early Childhod Education degrees offered run a daycare center as part of students' traing that might be lower cost ...

I think this, coming right after you lost the baby, is a lot for you to handle. I'm sending you big, supportive hugs, okay?

[shais_mom]

well I may not have any kids but I can certainly understand the hardship of finding a new daycare - child care service. My sister has went thru Hell and back since she had to put my nephew (now 9) in day when he was a baby. With my younger nephew she even tried a babysitter but then after awhile found out that she let him watch the movie BLADE (he was b/n 2-3) and several other issues.

I'm going to say something that I am sure will make me quite unpopular and unliked but I feel it needs said. I work with a girl who is a few years younger then me and recently had twin boys. She has went completely PSYCHO since having them. They were a little bit early and had to be transferred to a larger hospital for more care (we are a very tiny hospital). She put up a HUGE poster on her back door that said - "WASH HANDS before entering this home." She would tell THEIR family as they left - if you sniffle or hack don't come back! She has her mother in law watch the boys and her mother in law is so scared of her she refuses to watch them by herself so she has to hire 2 babysitters for the days her mother in law watches them. She makes her babysitter log every thing they do from the time she leaves to the time she comes home. To make it even harder for her to find a sitter - she makes them come into HER home instead of taking them to theirs.


Now this is what caught my attention is that you said you "bust out the door at 2pm." this is exactly what this girl does. She refuses to pick up any extra shifts even tho we worked at least 6 of her weekends while she was on maternity leave and we are very short handed right now. We have had to pick up an extra weekend every 5 weeks since Feb and while the same people sign up over and over - this weekend will be my 3rd to pick up she has picked up 1- 4 hour shift and that was b/c my bosses said to her - hey we worked our tails off while you were on maternity leave. This weekend I have a wedding I have to leave early from b/c she refused to pick up the shift that I am working. She watches the clock up until 4:30 when she can bust out of there and a lot of times she makes it. When she does work a weekend - we work every 5th weekend 12 hour shifts since she is part-time she only works one day before her weekend and one day after her weekend, usually Monday before and Friday after so that leaves Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, depending on what shift she works - Friday and Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. The last time she worked her weekend she came in on Friday in such a rotten mood and was so incredibly nasty to everyone b/c she didn't want to work (mind you everyone else in the dept works Full-time and all but 2 of us have raised kids) that one of the more ballsy girls said -well why don't you just quit? I work in a small yet sometimes EXTREMELY busy xray dept of a small yet sometimes EXTREMELY busy hospital. Sometimes we have late surgeries, accidents, falls, etc that come in at any time of the day that is why we are there. There are times that someone has to stay and help me get my head above water (I am the only tech thus far on 2nd shift). She gets extremely anxious about leaving on time. Now I know it is b/c she is still breast feeding and wants to get home b/c she is so anal they are on such a strict schedule but that doesn't do me any good when I have 5 people to xray and she isn't a whole lot of help.


Now I am certainly NOT saying that this is YOUR behaivor so please don't think I am automatically assuming that you act like this but I know you have said time and time again that you want to be a stay at home mom so maybe this is the push that is needed for that to happen. Maybe you can get certified in child care and watch some other peoples children that are in the same situation you are in now. Maybe you can take some medical term classes and do transcription (altho this is rather time consuming I believe) or something when Josh is home to watch your son. I know whatever you decide will weigh heavy on your life and heart for a time so I wish you best of luck. And please take this in the spirit it was intended I had no intention of hurting your feelings one bit so please let me know if I did and I will delete my post. [[hugs]]

[finn's mom]

I can't imagine. It sucks that Josh isn't being a bit more supportive and understanding. I don't think it has anything to do with you being lazy or selfish. You are a new mother who wants to be with her new son. That's the most unselfish thing in the world, I think. But, I am not in your shoes, or Josh's. You two have gone through a lot even since I've "met" you in here. I have no doubt this will be just a temporary obstacle, one which you three will come out on top. You may have to do tons of talking and looking and researching, but, I think you can and will find a new situation for Aidan that will allow him the socialization and care he deserves and you want for him. I can't offer a lot of advice, but, I will offer you my thoughts and well wishes. I've been in situations where I thought I'd never be able to cope or find the light at the end of the tunnel, but, things have a way of working out. Good luck with it all!

[Kfamr]

Jaime.. I am so sorry with your recent heartaches. I wish there was something I could say or do to resolve them.

I know slightly how you feel, though. My dear friend Laurie had troubles finding a pre-k/daycare for her 2 youngest when she moved down here. She finally found one she felt safe with, $300 something every 2 weeks and she found out they suck. She cried everynight, cried while dropping them off, etc.

It's very hard to be a parent of any kind.

{HUGS}

[caseysmom]

Jaime, I remember when I was on maternity leave I had to go into work for an interview, it was to get on a promotional list. Just driving in to the parking lot made me cry.

I don't think it is selfish at all, your instincts are to protect your son, your husband is probably just worried about the money I am sure he doesn't think you are lazy or anything.

[Lobodeb]

Awww, Jaime. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Please know that I do sympathize with you. As a mother, I would love nothing more than spend all day with my baby, but I can't. I work full time. I have since he was 3 months old. I have to. It's a sad fact of life. I am the primary money maker in my house. If I don't work, we don't eat. It's even more compounded now that hubby's job is in limbo.

Do I like that I only see my son for 3-4 hours a day? HE_ _ NO! I hate it. I hate every moment that I'm away from him. I hate that I can't feed him, I hate that he's doing things for the first time and I'm not there to see it. But if I want to continue to give him everything he has, then I need to keep working. You can rest assured that I make the most of every minute that I do have with him, though!

I hope you find a solution that allows you to only work part time, but if you do have to go back to full time, it's not the end of the world, I promise. Especially as the days get longer and our boys are up later.

Good luck. I pray that you find a solution that works for everyone.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Oh sweetheart you are neither lazy or selfish - you are a mother. I remember going back to work after having Katie and it was such a wrench at the beginning but it was the best for both of us. She made a lot of friends and learnt so much at the creche and I was able to talk to grown ups for a few hours a day. I do feel for you and hope that you find a solution and that Josh will be a little more understanding.

As for not being able to stop crying - I think this is also a reaction to your sad news last week

[Pam]

I feel the pain in your post and wish I could just give you some (((hugs))) in person. I was fortunate enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom when my children were growing up and I would wish that for everyone (who wants to) as, in my opinion, that is the best for the child. I realize that in today's economy it is not possible and I sympathize with all of you moms who are going out to work while sacrificing precious time with your little ones. I can imagine how hard that must be and I salute all of you. I really do. Add to that, at the end of a busy work day when you might just want to come home and crash on the sofa there are little ones to care for and a household to run. I don't know how so many of you accomplish all of that and do it so well.

My first thought was to check with your church for babysitting services. You may find out that there is someone out there who is just looking for such an opportunity to care for a baby, and they will be able to put you two in touch with each other. I would be so afraid to hire someone who did not come thoroughly recommended by someone. I think that, for me, putting my child in the hands of a relative stranger would be more than I could take. I probably wouldn't be very productive at work, for all of the worrying I'd be doing. :)

Maybe you and hubby might be able to look at your budget and *tighten your belts* a bit in order to make your dollars go a little further, although I realize that would involve more time to set in motion than the amount of time you have to work with. I guess you don't have any family nearby who could help - at least temporarily?

You have been through a lot recently and I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you are thinking. Life throws curves and you have been handling them as good as is humanly possible. I wish that your hubby was a little more understanding about the feelings that you have as a woman/mother. I guess that's just the difference in the sexes. :rolleyes:

Fortunately you do have a little time to work out a solution. I hope that something will fall into place soon. (((hugs)))

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

((((HUGS))))

I don't know what your financial situation is - ie cost of you working (daycare,petrol, clothes etc) vs savings on these costs if you could stay at home??

I am still only working flexi-time - I work as a rentals agent, which is commission only, but I am NOT bringing in enough to justify spending time away from Cali. It was fine before she arrived, as it gave me an interest outisde the home (which I needed), but now I am re-assessing and.....

I don't know if this would work for you, but next month I am flying back to SA to do the "Infant Massage Instructor's Course". This will qualify me to run courses on infant massage for Mums and Babies.

I am going to do this from home - I will only average around $800 per month - IF I run 3 x 90 minute sessions per week. It's NOT a huge income, but it takes the sting off me not working, and when you work out how few hours I will be working it's enough. I am not sure how much Instructors charge for the courses in the US?

I am NOT doing this only for the money - I attended a course with Cali, and I found it to be a beautiful and special way to communicate with her. Now I want to pass this on to other new mums.

Maybe you could look into this....ie
- are there other people in your area offering Infant Massage classes
- if so, are they only doing daytime classes - there MUST be a niche for working mums to attend the class in an evening or Saturday morning, plus then Josh can attend to Aiden whilst you "work"

Other advantages:
- it is an international qualification, so you could still do it if you ever moved
- it's a great way to meet other mums with little ones

PM me if you want more info.

Sorry for the long post, but maybe this could work for you?

[4 Dog Mother]

I was able to be a stay-at-home mom until my youngest was 3. Then I worked part-time 3 evenings a week in a Church office. It worked for us because Carl babysat (why do fathers babysit and we just take care of our children?). It also forced him to spend more time with the kids and see that taking responsibility for everything they need isn't as easy at it sound. It wasn't until Christy was in 4th grade or so that I went full time.

You might think about something like that - then babysitting fees wouldn't be a part of what you are making and you still would have some evenings and weekends with your husband and still be with Aidan a good part of the time.

And I think too that too much has happened recently for you to not react emotionally to this. Losing a baby planned or not has to be tough not just on your emotions but your hormones as well. Grieving doesn't end just because you or others think enough time has passed ( and in this case it hasn't)

And if you find that you should have to go back full time for awhile, it doesn't mean you can't continue to look into ways of changing that and finding a way to be with Aidan. As so many have said, talk to other people and maybe you will find a way that you hadn't even thought of to please both Josh and your need to be with Aidan.

[shais_mom]

Oh sweetheart you are neither lazy or selfish - you are a mother.

I agree - my thoughts with you wanting to stay home isn't lazy or selfish but more your husband's reaction was that he was acting like a putz. Tell him to ask Oprah if SHE thinks that stay at home mom's are lazy and selfish.
Another good friend of mine at work has 4 kids from the age of 8-3 and she worked part time for awhile and then before she had her last 2 she quit and just worked on an as needed basis for 2 hospitals. Then her husband lost his job and she had to work full time for a year and now she is back to part time and it has worked out for her.

[Logan]

I can imagine your worry and concern. :( I'm so sorry that you have been thrown this curve ball when you had such an ideal situation.

I think Staci had a good idea, though, in that you might be able to turn the tables and bring children into your home, rather than having to go out and work fulltime. It certainly bears looking into!

I also want to tell you that I have always had to work fulltime since my daughter, Helen, was born. Even when I was married to Helen's father, it was one of those things that just had to be. I went back, full time, after only 5 weeks. He stayed home with her for the 6th week. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. BUT, the good part is that my Helen is 15 1/2 years old now and she has not suffered from being in daycare all those years. She is a well adjusted young lady who is happy and healthy. I became a single parent the day she turned two years old. What I did was to do as Johanna said and I spent every moment with her when I wasn't working. I have never regretted a minute of that, either!!!!

In the best of schemes, you would not have to work at all. I just want you to know that it is not going to be the end of the world if you have to.

Best intentions,
Logan

[Samantha Puppy]

Doing my own daycare is something that we're thinking of. However, we might actually end up moving out of state so I can't get started on that until I know which state's guidelines and rules to follow.

It also takes up to a year to have happen, and that is time we cannot afford to live on one income. It also usually means home improvements to get it up to state regulation and we don't have money for that right now.

We'll see. We spoke last night and we're getting several different game plans together. Hopefully one of them will pan out.

[finn's mom]

If you could do what 4 dog mother did, that would rock! And, work part time a few nights a week. I hope one of your ideas works out for you guys!

[shihtzulover850]

well why don't you want to work full-time? do you not like yur job?

[caseysmom]

well why don't you want to work full-time? do you not like yur job?

I think if you reread her first post you will answer your own question.

[shihtzulover850]

oh you poor thing. it must be tough.

[Samantha Puppy]

oh you poor thing. it must be tough.
Are you being sarcastic or sincere?